On my blog twitter, yesterday, I posted about three tweets – you can go and have a look – where I said I wasn’t feeling okay, but not to worry and that I would post about it tomorrow (AKA today).
On my part, that was a sensible decision because I was miserable at the time and anything I wrote would be so negative, not make sense and ultimately cause me more pain than I was in at the time. BEFORE YOU ASK, no, nothing bad has happened. I just thought a lot and those thoughts made me upset.
Last night, I sat for about half an hour, listening to music and just feeling awful because I was thinking about the past. I thought about Ash, Cassia, even fucking PALM and Birch – look at this page to find out who they are – and the songs I listened to, I remember, were ones I had listened to before. By before, I mean about a year and a half ago, where I sat in the dark, shaking (GOD I remember that time so clearly), and I was in love for the first time and just… Why? I don’t get why everything just slammed into my brain yesterday.
I couldn’t really think: the thoughts just washed over me, feelings of sadness and missed opportunity. It brought me back to different times, different feelings and when I thought about different people, and I think that’s what hurt. For once, I didn’t beat myself up about the Ash situation – I just let myself feel every negative emotion I could, to get it out, and to just LET myself feel without hating myself.
I was angry, furious, upset, resigned, hopeless.
But I’m NOT, any more. Not today. Not once I went to sleep and woke up, without that awful cloud over me. I mean it didn’t help that I found out that Ash got into a fight with someone significantly smaller than him, he lost and broke his nose – in this case, he deserved it. I didn’t get the awful stab of pain I sometimes get when I think about him hurting. I just… All those emotions had been felt yesterday. They’ll come back, but at least for today I know that I have NO feelings of loyalty to him any more.
And that’s okay. It’s MORE than okay because slowly, I’m admitting to myself that he was HORRIBLE, perhaps for a reason but perhaps not for one either. It might seem obvious to you, but it will always take time for me.
To sum up, I’m okay. I’m so happy that I’m okay, because sometimes, you just have to let yourself feel emotions. Don’t think you’re awful for it. I might not have been the most sensible in my methods for making myself feel – AKA forcing myself to feel emotional pain – but that’s just ME.
Don’t lock things inside. You need to let things out, and tell yourself that doing that is OKAY.
I hope you’ve had an amazing day, because you deserve it. I want you to learn from the things I’ve done, and you’ve done – that’s why I tell you all these things, why I’m so raw and sometimes negative on here. Life isn’t all roses and sunshine, but neither is it all despair and loneliness.
From Elm 🙂