I was thinking about my personality today and got terrified, and then ran down the self-loathing road. I think I need to talk about it to make myself feel better, and to let myself FEEL the emotions.
I’ll just say it: I think about people in a romantic light way too quickly. It’s not that I “fancy” them – I just think, “What would it be like?”
And I truly hate that side of me. The part of me that fucking SWOONS when anyone’s nice to them. I don’t even know how to articulate this. What I do is I talk to someone, then think they’re nice and all that, and THEN invest my time and emotion into them, but not ALL my time and emotion, because the rest is devoted for curiosity about other people, my friends and my hobbies. I’m not committed, and I fixate on people and JUST NO
I’m just… What the hell? I’m confused and angry because there are about 3 people, right now, I could see myself “fancying” (that word makes me feel sick), but then the entire cycle will repeat again.
The worst part is that I recently broke up with Aspen, and what person moves on that quickly and considers other people THAT QUICKLY? It’s not respectful to him, it’s not okay and I’m not okay with me being like this.
It’s scary and confusing because I have no idea what I feel, and I DON’T want a relationship. I have no idea what I want or what’s right to feel and my head is a total mess.
Like I said, there are people who are amazing and great and I NEED to wait all these feelings out so I know which ones are real, and which ones are just brought on by the fact that people were nice to me.
I don’t know. I’m scared that feelings will run away with me, but I NEED to focus on my schoolwork and everything like that. Hating myself has to be pushed to the back of my mind, because really, I don’t exactly care enough to go on an I-hate-myself rampage.
Does anyone else have this, where they love too fast, and hate themselves too fast afterwards? Because that’s my problem.
From Elm 🙂