The mature post title really does astound me.
So, here we are again: yesterday, a situation happened which made me possibly the most embarrassed I’ve felt in a LONG time. Feel free to laugh, or sigh in disgust. Feels weird writing about things like this again.
I wrote in my post that I was angry that I got feelings for people too quickly, and that was PARTLY to do with the person I’m about to talk about. 5 days ago or so – no wait, SOME time around that I mean, maybe on Wednesday – I started talking to yet ANOTHER person online. I’ll use his real name: Kai.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, I just don’t… I’m not even going to get into how THAT happened, but I showed him my youtube channel, he showed me his, we both concluded we were quite good at writing songs and he asked me if I wanted to write a song with him. That transitioned into getting his number – and honestly, I don’t regret that part. I don’t exactly regret ANYTHING, really, except that I LIED to a few people about where I met Kai. I’m really sorry about that, if you’re reading this. I’m just a bit of an idiot when it comes to things like this.
We started talking (no SHIT SHERLOCK). With Kai, it would never have been a friends thing – I think it would have been a “casual romance” thing or a nothing. That’s mainly because I put (and he also put) three x’s at the end of texts – and if you know me, you know I NEVER do that. Ever. I barely ever put one x at the end of things as it is – that might not seem significant, but ahh well. It was ALWAYS a “flirting” thing, just I suppose to test myself, and to have things not so serious. WHY am I justifying this – it’s not bad.
I didn’t exactly have feelings for the guy. I was just CURIOUS about having feelings – you know? I’d get that leap in my chest whenever he texted, but it wasn’t based on anything solid, just an “Ohh, this could develop into something!” I like his lyrics and the MEANINGFUL things he writes about.
As you know, yesterday, I was having a bit of a freak out about myself, and was texting L about it. I sent him a text, telling him about the people I had possible feelings for – that included Kai.
BUT GUESS WHO I SENT IT TO? HMM, I DUNNO, MAYBE KAI. HMM…
I have never, EVER sworn so loudly in my life, or felt as freezing and horrified as I did. Luckily, he was fine with it and then asked if he could call. We hadn’t spoken on the phone before, so our first call was THEN – he was on a train and I couldn’t really hear him, but the subject of the text wasn’t really brought up.
So, that was all fine. I was just planning on, well, going with the flow and not doing anything about the not even feelings because I’m very stressed right now and adding to that would be pointless. I messaged him about an hour later, still horrifically mortified, and just casually asked what he was doing.
And he told me he was smoking a joint, and then asked if I minded. I said NO, NOT REALLY, AND ASKED IF HE SMOKED TOBACCO. HE SAID NO, but that if I hated him smoking he wouldn’t dream of smoking near me, which I suppose is decent.
But I do mind. I mind a lot, because I hate cannabis so so much. I know I shouldn’t, and I KNOW I shouldn’t judge people who smoke it – but I do. It’s quite immature because there are so many good people that smoke it. Why do people do it, at the risk of cancer and all types of physical and mental effects – it might not be as harmful as tobacco, but that doesn’t mean it’s HARMLESS.
Part of me felt disappointed, and then violently guilty. I suppose it’s a missed opportunity, as AWFUL as that is – I don’t even know. I just hate cannabis – mainly cause of Ash, but that’s a whole other story.
I didn’t tell many people. Willow, cause she knew about Kai before, and then my friend S and someone I can’t think of a name for – EHH I call her Rapunzel so let’s stick with it.
I don’t feel ashamed for talking to him. Right now, I’m just living my life, and trying my best to revise for my exams, so a relationship is not what I need. I think.
Well. I HOPE you somewhat enjoyed that story? I’m still rather embarrassed, but the main thing is, I’m not UPSET especially. Just a bit thoughtful.
Am I wrong for judging him so harshly, when he seems a nice-ish guy otherwise?
From Elm 🙂