I WAS MORTIFIED and I’m Also A Judgemental Prick

The mature post title really does astound me.

So, here we are again: yesterday, a situation happened which made me possibly the most embarrassed I’ve felt in a LONG time. Feel free to laugh, or sigh in disgust. Feels weird writing about things like this again.

I wrote in my post that I was angry that I got feelings for people too quickly, and that was PARTLY to do with the person I’m about to talk about. 5 days ago or so – no wait, SOME time around that I mean, maybe on Wednesday – I started talking to yet ANOTHER person online. I’ll use his real name: Kai.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, I just don’t… I’m not even going to get into how THAT happened, but I showed him my youtube channel, he showed me his, we both concluded we were quite good at writing songs and he asked me if I wanted to write a song with him. That transitioned into getting his number – and honestly, I don’t regret that part. I don’t exactly regret ANYTHING, really, except that I LIED to a few people about where I met Kai. I’m really sorry about that, if you’re reading this. I’m just a bit of an idiot when it comes to things like this.

We started talking (no SHIT SHERLOCK). With Kai, it would never have been a friends thing – I think it would have been a “casual romance” thing or a nothing. That’s mainly because I put (and he also put) three x’s at the end of texts – and if you know me, you know I NEVER do that. Ever. I barely ever put one x at the end of things as it is – that might not seem significant, but ahh well. It was ALWAYS a “flirting” thing, just I suppose to test myself, and to have things not so serious. WHY am I justifying this – it’s not bad.

I didn’t exactly have feelings for the guy. I was just CURIOUS about having feelings – you know? I’d get that leap in my chest whenever he texted, but it wasn’t based on anything solid, just an “Ohh, this could develop into something!” I like his lyrics and the MEANINGFUL things he writes about.

As you know, yesterday, I was having a bit of a freak out about myself, and was texting L about it. I sent him a text, telling him about the people I had possible feelings for – that included Kai.


I have never, EVER sworn so loudly in my life, or felt as freezing and horrified as I did. Luckily, he was fine with it and then asked if he could call. We hadn’t spoken on the phone before, so our first call was THEN – he was on a train and I couldn’t really hear him, but the subject of the text wasn’t really brought up.

So, that was all fine. I was just planning on, well, going with the flow and not doing anything about the not even feelings because I’m very stressed right now and adding to that would be pointless. I messaged him about an hour later, still horrifically mortified, and just casually asked what he was doing.

And he told me he was smoking a joint, and then asked if I minded. I said NO, NOT REALLY, AND ASKED IF HE SMOKED TOBACCO. HE SAID NO, but that if I hated him smoking he wouldn’t dream of smoking near me, which I suppose is decent.

But I do mind. I mind a lot, because I hate cannabis so so much. I know I shouldn’t, and I KNOW I shouldn’t judge people who smoke it – but I do. It’s quite immature because there are so many good people that smoke it. Why do people do it, at the risk of cancer and all types of physical and mental effects – it might not be as harmful as tobacco, but that doesn’t mean it’s HARMLESS.

Part of me felt disappointed, and then violently guilty. I suppose it’s a missed opportunity, as AWFUL as that is – I don’t even know. I just hate cannabis – mainly cause of Ash, but that’s a whole other story.

I didn’t tell many people. Willow, cause she knew about Kai before, and then my friend S and someone I can’t think of a name for – EHH I call her Rapunzel so let’s stick with it.

I don’t feel ashamed for talking to him. Right now, I’m just living my life, and trying my best to revise for my exams, so a relationship is not what I need. I think.

Well. I HOPE you somewhat enjoyed that story? I’m still rather embarrassed, but the main thing is, I’m not UPSET especially. Just a bit thoughtful.

Am I wrong for judging him so harshly, when he seems a nice-ish guy otherwise?

From Elm πŸ™‚

64 thoughts on “I WAS MORTIFIED and I’m Also A Judgemental Prick

  1. I, personally, would steer clear but I also think it’s nice that you feel something for him and that he offered to at least keep the smoking out of your way. On the other hand it is illegal. I think it is understandable that you’re judging. I am. Trying not to, but I am. Guess the jury’s still out on that one.

      • Wait – it’s a class C, so apparently it’s not illegal to smoke it (it’s discouraged obviously), but it IS illegal to distribute or sell it. Which is counterproductive but cool.

      • Really? I was under the impression that they don’t do much simply because nobody reports it, unfortunately it’s something I’ve noticed is quietly accepted. I have seen police taking action where it has been reported, though.

    • Yeah, I just don’t really want to talk to him any more. I hate marijuana so much, so much so that I can’t get past it.

  2. It is a little harsh to be judging him. Not everyone who smokes a joint is necessarily bad. You need to relax Elm. I mean, not everyone is the way to imagine them to be. It’s better if you just ignore it. I’m hoping I made a little sense .-.

  3. Like Swanna, I wouldn’t really talk to him anymore because he doesn’t seem like the kinda person who I would date because he smokes cannabis because it’s stupid and disgusting (in my opinion).You aren’t judging him too quickly, if you are then I am too. It depends what you want. This is just my opinion.

  4. I LITERALLY HAD MY MOUTH OPEN AND CRINGED WITH YOU WHEN YOU SENT THE WRONG TEXT! I personally think that you should stay friends with him-yes I completely agree that smoking illegal substances, along with legal substances is awful. However that doesn’t take away the fact you both enjoyed writing songs together. Don’t destroy a friendship based on judgement. I would make me super unforgettable if someone was smoking in-front of me, but if they are nice and you like talking on text-then why not carry on? It doesn’t have to develop into anything, you can still stay friends. Just stay clear of anything illegal as you don’t want to be caught up in anything like that! I hope it all gets sorted haha, and hopefully you won’t send anymore wrong texts! πŸ™‚ -Tash x

  5. We all judge when it comes to things like that. My ex smoked all kinda stuff and I tried not to mind, but really, I did. People just have different views on different things. The text things must have been so mortifying! Luckily, he didn’t talk about it afterwards. You survived Elm!!

  6. oh my gosh… that’s just horrible! Trust me I feel for you… http://heydayhappiness.weebly.com/diary/1-21-16
    I suck at giving good advice, but I’d still be friends with him! I mean, his smoking illegal substances is pretty horrible, but if you feel that you can sort of get over that and maintain your friendship, then I think that’s what you should do… πŸ™‚ But… do what YOU think is best! I know this sounds cheesy, but trust your gut.

    • It’s not cheesy – it’s amazing advice! πŸ™‚ I’ll try and trust my instincts. Also, I’ll check out your site too! How’d you find mine, out of interest? πŸ™‚

      • Glad I could help! πŸ™‚ As for how I found your blog… this gets kind of creepy, but what I do is click on commenters on blogs I like, and I read the commenters’ blogs. Then I look at *their* commenters’ blogs… kind of like a chain on and on. I found your blog like that and have been LOVING it to death ever since. ❀

      • I’m SHRIEKING, that’s the best thing! Not creepy at all πŸ™‚ I do that with bloggers that get tagged in award posts. And AWWW THANK YOU

  7. Honestly, I get where you’re coming from. But in the grand scheme of things, he could be doing a lot worse. If he makes you do it, then you should be concerned. But right now take it easy and if it ever comes up just be like “I don’t mind that you do it, I just feel uncomfortable if you do it around me” or that kind of thing. But you will come across plenty of strange people where smoking joints will seem like child’s play.

  8. Seems nice! I tend to judge too… a lot. 😦 Just go with your gut and trust yourself. But still be careful I guesS? I suck at advice for these situations ;A;

  9. Oh my, I was DYING for you when you sent the wrong text! Personally, I wouldn’t let what he does or doesn’t smoke put me off a guy – I’m not too bothered – but if it means that much to you, then I’d say he’s definitely not the guy for you, and so maybe it’s for the best that you don’t continue to develop feelings for him. xx

  10. Honestly, if where you live is anything like where I do, it’s pretty hard not to be friends with at least one person who smokes marijuana. Although I would never dream of doing it myself, because I’ve seen first hand how it affects people lives, I am friends with people who smoke it. They never ask why I don’t do it, because they know it makes me extremely uncomfortable and just plain freaks me out. I mean, obviously, it’s bad for your health and I think that people probably shouldn’t smoke it just for fun; but it doesn’t make them a different person. If I were you, I’d stay friends with him πŸ™‚

  11. isn’t it weird how a lot of otherwise absolutely amazing people smoke and then that one thing is enough to ruin your whole impression of them.
    i guess we shouldn’t judge the person, but in fact the action. like if you get close enough with him, maybe you could eventually make him stop doing it ? have a positive effect ? cause it’s not judging someone when you care about their health and stuff.
    i think i judge the person if i hear they smoke, it’s just so hard to get past that. but i guess i shouldn’t. it doesn’t define who they are right ? i’m very hazy about this. XD

  12. That sounds embarrassing 😦 But don’t you worry, the best thing is that he was cool about it and didn’t make a fuss. Most people aren’t like that. So I’m sure it’ll turn out just fine.

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