I was much too upset earlier to blog – too upset to read blogs etc – but now I think I can post. I feel a little ill – I’ve got a bit of a cold – so le posting standard might be, um, shit.
The person who sits one seat away in physics makes me hate myself.
There. I said it. Not by being horrible – though I suppose in a way, he is but it’s not his fault – but just by the things he says.
In theory, I sit next to nobody in physics – there’s an empty chair, and then there’s him.
He asks Miss, every lesson, if he can have someone sitting next to him, because he needs a ‘learning buddy’. EVERY lesson, he sighs, because it’s so unfair he has no one sitting next to him. I get it, I really do.
Today, I felt ill. I couldn’t do any work, felt sick and angry and just URGH. We were going to have a test – except that we didn’t; it’s tomorrow. The teacher was asking people when she said the test was, and everyone said tomorrow (because it was true). He came in, and at that point, the teacher asked me and I said it was tomorrow.
“Oh, so you just go on what Elm says?” he said, walking past me to his seat. “I can’t ask when the test is, but it’s alright if she does?”
That cycled over and over in my head for ages, and my anger and pain stayed with me through the physics lesson. I felt too miserable to do my work – I couldn’t do the simplest questions – and with every “Oh, I don’t damn understand this!” I felt worse, and worse, until every time he spoke I wanted to cry and scream and just disappear.
Right now, I despise myself, in a way. The guy is popular, funny, and A DECENT PERSON – and yet, I can’t stand him. It’s not even bad, but every time he says he needs a learning buddy, I think I’m not good enough. It makes me feel stupid, worthless, AWFUL, like I’m too disabled and too blind for him, and I DON’T run in the same social circles. Like there’s something about me that’s wrong, and every time the teaching assistant next to me says “Hey Elm, why don’t you work with him on this?” or asks the people behind me to help me, I snap and hate myself for THAT.
And shit, I’m crying. I just don’t understand what I can do to make me seem less… STUPID, unsociable, etc. I KNOW I don’t talk in lessons much, because usually I’m panicking over not being able to do work. I KNOW I can be snappish and have blank looks on my face or just not engage but I’ve TRIED to engage and I just can’t.
Other people in my physics class are nice. They’d sit by me but he’s better than me, more sociable so they’d talk to him – and if Miss got one of my friends to sit by me, like she did once before with Red, he’d say it was unfair and that HE needed a learning buddy. What he doesn’t understand is that I hardly ever have a fucking ‘learning buddy’ anyway because teaching assistants always sit by me.
I’ve got that feeling, that I used to have when I was a kid, when I’m just wondering “Why don’t they especially LIKE me?” Not hate. He doesn’t hate me. He just doesn’t think I’m good enough, engaging enough, friendly enough – and that I always get special treatment from the teacher. I honest to God nearly started crying in the middle of the lesson, because I felt sick with myself and I wanted to leave and get out of there and just disappear forever because when he speaks like that, and when he sighs and says it’s unfair whenever the teacher makes someone sit in their usual place, it makes me feel like I am nothing.
He MAKES me feel like I’m awful, and that I have to change myself – I know that’ll pass, but I hate being labelled as the unsociable fuck who’s not a good learning buddy. I just don’t care, and part of me wishes I could just be more NORMAL, fit in more, but that is SO STUPID.
I won’t say life’s not fair. I won’t scream and cry, because this is just what I have to deal with. In the end, his opinion doesn’t matter. It just upsets me now.
He doesn’t realise that he hurts me emotionally every time he makes a comment – they’re not HORRIBLE comments, but when they happen, I feel shit because there’s only one person who sits behind me who I can somewhat carry on a conversation with, but not when HE’s around or the others. As attention-seeking as this is, I feel so damn alone when I’m trying to tell myself that I’M NOT AWFUL or stupid.
Self-hatred is something I’ve had for a while – not SERIOUSLY, but now and again when things get to me. I won’t exactly lie to you guys, or make it out to be worse than it is. But things like this just MAGNIFY it, making me unable to do a lot of things for the rest of the day.
Sorry – I needed to get that out.
I hope you’ve had a great day, and sorry for not reading ANYONE’s posts, really, recently.
From Elm 🙂