Just by Being Me

I was much too upset earlier to blog – too upset to read blogs etc – but now I think I can post. I feel a little ill – I’ve got a bit of a cold – so le posting standard might be, um, shit.

The person who sits one seat away in physics makes me hate myself.

There. I said it. Not by being horrible – though I suppose in a way, he is but it’s not his fault – but just by the things he says.

In theory, I sit next to nobody in physics – there’s an empty chair, and then there’s him.

He asks Miss, every lesson, if he can have someone sitting next to him, because he needs a ‘learning buddy’. EVERY lesson, he sighs, because it’s so unfair he has no one sitting next to him. I get it, I really do.

Today, I felt ill. I couldn’t do any work, felt sick and angry and just URGH. We were going to have a test – except that we didn’t; it’s tomorrow. The teacher was asking people when she said the test was, and everyone said tomorrow (because it was true). He came in, and at that point, the teacher asked me and I said it was tomorrow.

“Oh, so you just go on what Elm says?” he said, walking past me to his seat. “I can’t ask when the test is, but it’s alright if she does?”

That cycled over and over in my head for ages, and my anger and pain stayed with me through the physics lesson. I felt too miserable to do my work – I couldn’t do the simplest questions – and with every “Oh, I don’t damn understand this!” I felt worse, and worse, until every time he spoke I wanted to cry and scream and just disappear.

Right now, I despise myself, in a way. The guy is popular, funny, and A DECENT PERSON – and yet, I can’t stand him. It’s not even bad, but every time he says he needs a learning buddy, I think I’m not good enough. It makes me feel stupid, worthless, AWFUL, like I’m too disabled and too blind for him, and I DON’T run in the same social circles. Like there’s something about me that’s wrong, and every time the teaching assistant next to me says “Hey Elm, why don’t you work with him on this?” or asks the people behind me to help me, I snap and hate myself for THAT.

And shit, I’m crying. I just don’t understand what I can do to make me seem less… STUPID, unsociable, etc. I KNOW I don’t talk in lessons much, because usually I’m panicking over not being able to do work. I KNOW I can be snappish and have blank looks on my face or just not engage but I’ve TRIED to engage and I just can’t.

Other people in my physics class are nice. They’d sit by me but he’s better than me, more sociable so they’d talk to him – and if Miss got one of my friends to sit by me, like she did once before with Red, he’d say it was unfair and that HE needed a learning buddy. What he doesn’t understand is that I hardly ever have a fucking ‘learning buddy’ anyway because teaching assistants always sit by me.

I’ve got that feeling, that I used to have when I was a kid, when I’m just wondering “Why don’t they especially LIKE me?” Not hate. He doesn’t hate me. He just doesn’t think I’m good enough, engaging enough, friendly enough – and that I always get special treatment from the teacher. I honest to God nearly started crying in the middle of the lesson, because I felt sick with myself and I wanted to leave and get out of there and just disappear forever because when he speaks like that, and when he sighs and says it’s unfair whenever the teacher makes someone sit in their usual place, it makes me feel like I am nothing.

He MAKES me feel like I’m awful, and that I have to change myself – I know that’ll pass, but I hate being labelled as the unsociable fuck who’s not a good learning buddy. I just don’t care, and part of me wishes I could just be more NORMAL, fit in more, but that is SO STUPID.

I won’t say life’s not fair. I won’t scream and cry, because this is just what I have to deal with. In the end, his opinion doesn’t matter. It just upsets me now.

He doesn’t realise that he hurts me emotionally every time he makes a comment – they’re not HORRIBLE comments, but when they happen, I feel shit because there’s only one person who sits behind me who I can somewhat carry on a conversation with, but not when HE’s around or the others. As attention-seeking as this is, I feel so damn alone when I’m trying to tell myself that I’M NOT AWFUL or stupid.

Self-hatred is something I’ve had for a while – not SERIOUSLY, but now and again when things get to me. I won’t exactly lie to you guys, or make it out to be worse than it is. But things like this just MAGNIFY it, making me unable to do a lot of things for the rest of the day.

Sorry – I needed to get that out.

I hope you’ve had a great day, and sorry for not reading ANYONE’s posts, really, recently.

From Elm πŸ™‚

38 thoughts on “Just by Being Me

  1. You know what? Screw him. He might be a decent guy or whatever but you don’t have to berate yourself for anything.

  2. Talk to miss about moving. It’s not fair for you to be made to feel like this every lesson; hell, I can move back to my old seat and you can sit next to the one I sit with if you want- if it’ll help. Whatever makes you happy.

  3. You are so wonderful, Elm,I am surprised you don’t know that and even if u do, why are u blaming urself then? He is not “decent ” if he says that, is he? Oh Elm. I’d love to be friends with you in real life. Not because of THAT Ok? Because I want you to know that you are far better than anyone I have met irl or on the Net. Be happy. πŸ™‚

  4. I feel you on the feeling ill and having a cold, I do too at the moment and because I have mocks all this week it makes it worse because when my whole year is sat in silence doing to exam all you can hear is me sniffing and coughing and spluttering away making myself look like a fool. But you shouldn’t let anyone make you feel like this because they are not worth your tears.

  5. I just came across your post and it really resonated with me. I know we haven’t talked before but I just wanted to let you know that I used to feel a lot like that with people – that they were judging and found me worthless. I would be paralysed with doubts every. single. time. something like this would happen.

    Just know that you are worth a LOT. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to not let people like that get to you. You do get some people that will sap away at your confidence to make themselves feel better. They can do it in ways that make you question and blame yourself. From what you have written it sounds like this guy has some really passive aggressive behaviour going on here. He is the one with the problem – not you. Don’t let him get you down. *hugs*

  6. You know, you are amazing and I wish I knew you in personal life… I bet that guy secretly looks up to you, maybe you could talk about things you feel whenever he says something? He doesn’t have the right to say to rude things and acts the way he does, but if he doesn’t know he is hurting you, how could he stop when he doesn’t know its actually bothering you?

    • That’s VERY true. I just need to get up the courage to talk to him, or quietly ask him NOT to say things like that when he does it again.

  7. Yes, I know that it’s hard to ignore him but in the end, it doesn’t matter whether or not someone likes you. It doesn’t matter if he’s popular or funny, because someone like him isn’t worth your time.

  8. I don’t think you’re a bad person for not really liking him, after all he has done all this and made you feel this way. I think if you want him to stop, you have to tell him how much it bothers you. And tell him that it’s not exactly your choice to be liked/looked after by teachers. And all that stuff. Oh and you don’t have to be normal. But if it really matters to you, just try talking to more people and saying hi to some of them every now and then. And finally it’s okay if you don’t read posts. I haven’t been reading many posts recently either (but of course I’m not gonna stop reading yours), and that’s okay. Fin. πŸ˜‰

    • Ahhh thank you Luna – I swear, you give the best advice ever. Also – I’ve read your posts, I just haven’t commented 😦 I’ve been keeping up with it on bloglovin

  9. Oh Elm… you seem like such a wonderful + amazing person. It’s not your fault that guy is an idiot. He’s not worth your time. Please, don’t change yourself or look down on yourself because YOU ARE AMAZING! ok? ok. don’t argue cuz I’m right πŸ™‚

  10. You are not “good enough” Elm. You are so much more than that. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. You are a incredible person; so friendly and nice to everyone and sociable as hell. And if he or any other person does not see that, there’s something wrong with THEM. You are great just the way you are xx

  11. Fuck him. Elm, you better BELIEVE that if you sat next to me, I’d use you all the time as my learning buddy. And laughing buddy. And talking buddy. And eating buddy. And buddy.
    Seriously, not all people are so stupid. I can’t blame you but really you’re wasting emotions thinking about an ignorant guy’s ignorance. Do you think he ‘dislikes’ you just because you can’t see? These people exist in all schools and think they’re better than everyone. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, and fuck him for making you feel that way. We luv ya

  12. Elm, we all absolutely LOVE you and your blogs. Stuff him. You are not stupid, and you are definitely not dumb/not good enough. If he doesn’t see how amazing you are then he’s missing out on a lot. I know I don’t know you in person but your blogs are absolutely amazing, the words and things you say are amazing, hence, you are amazing too haha. I wish I knew you in person/went to the same school as you:( I wanna give you a really biiiiiig hug πŸ™‚ *gives big hug* haha. Anyway, I have tonnes more I could say but I have to go now, but think happy thoughts (and don’t think you’re alone:) ) and just try to ignore his stupid actions/words ahaha.

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