I started writing this in the last 15 minutes of my chemistry lesson, because I need to get this out. I really hate writing negative posts, but I set this blog up to get my thoughts out, so I won’t beat myself up or call myself attention seeking.
I got lost on the way to Chemistry today, and had – what I think – was a panic attack. I’m trying to tell myself it’s not disrespectful to say that.
I’ve refused to admit it to myself before, but I’m not close to anyone in my form (that’s the class I was put into at the very start of school; we used to have lessons together but now we’re doing GCSEs, we don’t). We have 20 minutes of form, but today we had a yearbook photo outside. After it was taken, we went upstairs to get our bags. My friend Pine had to stay behind because she had an Honours Tie (where you’ve done something exceptional in terms of sport or music and that kind of thing).
There’s a girl in my form called Daisy, who’s VERY good friends with Pine. She and I used to hate each other, but now, we don’t mind each other – she’s been quite kind to me over the last 2 years, and there is no point arguing with her when she’s not done anything nasty to me recently, and vice versa. I asked her, and Pine, if they could wait for me after Daisy went down to give Pine her bag.
They didn’t. I can’t blame them, but I remember going down the stairs and wondering if they’d be there – they weren’t – and feeling this horrific sense of loneliness, like I’ve not felt in such a long time that it was a shock.
My chemistry room is one of the rooms that’s difficult for me to find, because it’s always busy and it’s not at the end of a corridor. I decided, stupidly, to go and try and find it, and that’s when I realised I couldn’t catch my breath at all, and that I felt so upset and sick that I nearly burst into tears just walking down the first corridor.
There’s another corridor that you go down before you get to the science corridor – it’s got nothing much in it, but it’s always busy. I was finding it hard to breathe as I walked down it, as it got busier and busier – I was taking deep breaths that got quicker and quicker. This bit gets a bit confusing – I thought, if I leaned against the wall, I’d be able to clear my head and maybe someone would notice me – at the time, that was what I wanted. I did so, and I was shaking so hard as I felt my way forward because I felt too terrified to go away from it. A girl asked if I was okay – just a random girl, someone I’m sometimes wary of – and I said yes, but it was obvious I wasn’t. Several other people asked, and I completely panicked – I felt boiling all over, my vision had gone horribly blurry and I couldn’t tell where I was at all.
Luckily, Willow found me – I didn’t quite register it was her, until she grabbed my hands and spoke to me. She got me out of the building, calmed me down and then helped me to my classroom. When I was outside with her, I cried – partly out of embarrassment but also an awful fear. I really don’t know what I would have done without her – I had some half-arsed plan that I didn’t even think through. I’ve never felt so mortified about making a scene like that, or being so… Well, looking like I wasn’t okay to such an extreme.
When I went into the classroom, I acted like things were cool and that I’d just got lost. I’m guessing it was obvious I had been crying.
I’m okay now. Whenever I think about being in that corridor’ with so many people and my thoughts and vision narrowed down to a horrible wavering point, I start shaking a little. It’s not logical: things aren’t logical, though, when it comes to fear.
Being ashamed is wrong, for this situation, but I can’t help it. I made it so PUBLICLY obvious I wasn’t okay, that it made it feel like I was purposefully drawing attention to myself. I need to stop thinking about that, though, because now I realise I truly was scared (I remember the moments when I had to just stop and breathe, when I felt like tears were about to come pouring down my face).
I wasn’t okay, but I am now. I’m just shaken, because I never thought I’d be so scared. Before the self-hatred at my lack of independence starts, I’m going to end this post. Hope you don’t mind reading it.
I have to request this – people in real life are going to read this. If I don’t specifically talk to you about it, please, try not to bring it up. I actually can’t deal with it right now, because the feelings I had was so terrifying. Sorry.
If you’ve gone through a similar situation, or have panic attacks regularly – you’re in no. way alone. You have us, always.
From Elm 🙂