I won’t do the whole, “I’m scared you’ll judge me for this,” because I know you won’t because you’re you.
As you guys know, I went to blind camp on Wednesday and got back yesterday, and it was honestly amazing. I said I’d be nervous to see Hazel, but really, it wasn’t JUST her that I was truly nervous, happy and all those lovely emotions, to see. I’ll call the girl Rapunzel, because it’s an inside joke between us.
She and I have been internet friends since September – I originally knew her through a friend, but then we became friends (on the 27th of September to be exact) and went from horrifically formal to “OMG YASSSS ASDFGHJKL” in the span of about 3 messages. There was a time in about December where we didn’t speak much (sad times) but then we’ve been talking for the last 2 months. She helped me so much with the Aspen situation, when I felt confused and upset at the end of the relationship. And YES – before you say it – I got feelings for her.
I’m sorry for not telling you all before, but I couldn’t say how I felt until now, because she reads. this. Also, if you’re from real life and don’t know about this, I’m sorry. Consider this me telling you, because I trust everyone who reads this.
We met on Wednesday for the first time, and we hugged so hard and were shaking like mad. (I swear, whenever I experience high emotion, I shake like a leaf). Also, she’s SO BLOODY TALL. It turns out we were sharing a room with Hazel, and seeing both of them was amazing. Hazel’s still the same, and lovely as ever, but there were no romantic feelings towards her. Everyone there was so nice; I didn’t dislike anyone like I usually do.
On the first night, we got 5 hours of sleep – on the second, we got 7 (Hazel went to sleep first and then Rapunzel and I stayed up for 2 hours) and on the third, we got 3 accidental hours of sleep. YES IT’s A THING SHH. On the third night, there were 6 girls in our room and we all chatted and laughed, and once they left, the three of us stayed up until 2, talking about life and love and everything in between.
I had a suspicion (HAHAHAHAHA) that Rapunzel had feelings for me, because when we talked on facetime before the camp, she spoke about a mysterious girl who she thought, and wanted, something to happen with. She was pretty damn sure something would happen, because I’m literally the most obvious person when it comes to having feelings for someone. I was still nervous, though, as I always am.
It was on that first night that we kissed, at 3 o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, switched my phone on and she heard, and came over to me. We lay there for ages, foreheads touching, and we eventually kissed (no idea how it happened but I’m so glad).
The next day, we spoke so much (when we went bowling, between lessons, whenever we could) about everything. On the second night, when Hazel was asleep, we talked about us (in between laughing at some truly strange sounds coming from the bathroom next to our room). I asked, so awkwardly that it makes me cringe, “So, um, would you like to be my, er, girlfriend?” I had felt miserable earlier, because it was Ash’s birthday, and she had held me. I honest to god nearly cried, both from the sadness and that she was there and telling me it would be okay, that I would be okay.
One thing is that I never want to rush into things. The amount of times I said, “Is this okay? Are you SURE? Seriously, tell me if it isn’t,” were legendary. I didn’t hate myself or feel fear, or confusion, and I NEVER questioned if I deserved it or if I should just stop because I was an awful person. I felt, and feel, SO happy. Doing maths revision for 3 hours today made me feel so positive, and I didn’t panic at all.
We both know that it’s going. to be difficult because of the distance – she lives 4-5 hours away from me – but like she said, “If we both put in the same effort, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” I know that I can be honest with her, and I’m not nervous of saying things in real life .
Having simple happiness can make your day. I want to tell you – it’s OKAY to live in the moment, to seize it, and to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it’s good to not think about the future, but know for now that you’re happy. In every situation, there’s something that you learn about yourself, but also a piece of advice that I like to tell you.
I just want to see where this goes. There will be high times, and low times, and that’s okay. Just know that whatever happens, I’m still going to be. here. YOU can go out there and do something incredible, and don’t be scared of doing something you previously thought had no hope.
For now, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters. I really think I can do this – relationships, exams, revising, smiling, laughing.
I hope you’ve had an amazing day, and week. You deserve it so much.
From Elm 🙂