I’ve had a truckload of self-hatred building up for the last two or three days, and instead of being sensible and talking about it to someone, I locked it all away and revised like mad – which payed off, because now I understand some physics and biology topics more, but now the upset has just… Culminated in an explosion.
I’m sad. Angry. Disappointed, and mostly at and in myself. It frustrates me that I have these emotions now, and that I don’t have much motivation to blog. You guys are all amazing and shouldn’t have to deal with all of this negativity, when I want to be positive so I can help you as much as I can. That might sound cheesy, but I want to make up for the horrific crap I’m about to post. Know that I’m always here and that if you feel like I’m feeling now, or you feel terrible, talk to someone.
I’ve been stretching recently, and going on walks, and it makes me feel better about myself. But I’m still disgusted. If I was better, more fit, more healthy, taller, with more weight on me, I feel like I’d feel better. But maybe not. Maybe I’m better off being skinny as fuck and I shouldn’t change myself.
That’s not even the real reason why I’m so so upset. I find it difficult to articulate when I feel shit for no reason, and it makes it seem so stupid and trivial. I think I’ll try, and god knows how long this post will be.
I feel useless as hell. Some of my friends are going through things and I can do NOTHING to help them. I’m sitting here, shaking, feeling. empty and horrific. What kind of friend am I, that I’m unable to help, and I’m just a piece of shit? My heart hurts.
I keep on trying to apologise for posting this, but I know you’ll say it’s good to talk about things like this. Why do I feel so lost, and like I’m nothing? Am I important to anyone, am I FIRST for anyone, or just second? I’m second to myself, because I never put myself first. What am I worth to other people?
Those are the shitty questions spinning through my head, and I wish they wouldn’t, because I don’t need it. I feel like I have to remain strong, and when I don’t, there isn’t much wrong anyway. Does that make sense? PFFT, doubtful, because my ramblings never do. I don’t know what I feel.
Sometimes it hits me. Throughout the day I’ve been okay, except when I freaked out over not understanding lenses in physics, and then I just hated everything about me because I couldn’t UNDERSTAND it. I felt a block in my mind, then I started shaking and I couldn’t breathe. Last night, I felt so miserable that I wanted to scream and cry and all the rest, except I went to sleep with a smile on my face because of Rapunzel. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her, but I guess I thought it wasn’t important. I STILL think it isn’t.
I remember when she held me and told me things would be okay, and that meant the world to me. She’s bloody brilliant, and part of me wonders if I’m good enough and YEAH I should just stop thinking about that. I WILL be okay, but right now I don’t feel like I am, and this blog’s about the only place. I can vent to.
ARGH, why am I so bad at writing? Why can’t I read people’s posts and just be more organised? I feel like I can’t hold myself together, and then I start to think I’m awful and worthless. THAT’s SO STUPID. WHY AM I CENSORING MYSELF?
I feel sick with myself and pissed off because I’m so negative, when I was doing so well recently. It feels as if a cloud is hanging over me, to be cliché, but of helplessness. I can’t do anything to help my friends and I just sit there, feeling so so bad, and thinking I don’t deserve friends because I’m so fucking useless. I’m so scared because of my thoughts, when really, I have a great life and should just shut up. This isn’t even significant anyway and I’m worrying everyone.
I hope you’re okay. You might get a few of these negative posts in the next couple of months, but I’ll try and remain positive. It’s the best I can do, right?
From Elm 🙂