Well. I really don’t…
I feel awful. I feel horrific. I feel sad, and panicked – and there’s no reason for it. LITERALLY no reason.
I’m just so so tired, and what’s the point in writing a damn post about it anyway? Whenever I get like this I get angry with myself and that’s not good at all. Usually, I just go up to my room and read, to calm down, but this whole thing’s been building up for so long and I’m stupid. I don’t even know why I think that.
Last time I did this, you guys more or less told me – and I told myself – to talk, and not bottle things up. I feel like I’m going to regret this, because of the shit that I’ll probably write down, but isn’t THIS why I started a blog? Isn’t this why I’ve continued with it, with all your support and friendship and everything, because it makes me feel better? Writing words on a screen does, in a way, to let the frustration out.
I’m in the house on my own, because my dad went to join my sister at the pub – I told him to, because I think he knew something was wrong. I was absolutely hopeless at dinner, and asked him at one point, “When you were at school, what did you think work was like?” I VERY nearly asked him, “Do you ever think life’s bleak as hell?” but I stopped myself, because it isn’t – not for us, not for ME, when I have a good life. I’ll keep repeating that to myself, because it WILL make me feel better.
I don’t get why I’m so, so horrible to my mother. Why I snap at her, or – like yesterday – why I feel kind, where I feel NICE. I probably upset her today, and that’s not okay. How can I tell myself I’m a good person, if I just keep on snapping and getting angry? It’s not fair on anyone. I try to control my stupid, snappish behaviour and when I DON’T, it makes me feel like a terrible person, convincing me I AM until that’s all I can think about. And then I forget and think I’m halfway decent. LITERALLY why the hell do I dislike myself so much when I get like this?
I just feel so sick and annoyed that I’m posting this. I tell myself I’m doing revision, and I KNOW I am, but that’s selfish as fuck because I complain to people about how “little” I’m doing when that’s bullshit, but is it going in? God I feel sick. It all feels real, with the exams only just over a month away. Oh well. I’ll get through it.
Oh WOW. I’m not even paying attention to my friends, and whenever I post something like this, I either: a) Worry them; b) Make them feel guilty for helping me; or c) Make myself paranoid that they hate me, which would make them feel guilty, which would make ME feel… ARGH!
Headaches aren’t fun, and I have one pounding through my skull. I really don’t think it’s fair, that I’m writing a crap post whilst not reading ANYONE’s blogs. I’m frustrated and whining, and I can’t hide my emotions for shit so my mood will be displayed all over my stupid face when my dad and sister get home. I think I should go to bed before they see, because it’s not fair on them and if they ask me, I’ll either snap at them or brush it off.
I am so so sorry for all of this. I just feel like I’m about to cry, for no discernible reason, and that things are hopeless as hell when they’re NOT in the slightest. I’ll be alright in the morning, but for now, I need to sleep so I don’t worry my friends, or you. What I often do is downplay what I feel to such an extent that I worry people even more, if that makes sense?
Damnit, I’ve been such a shit blogger recently. You’re all such fantastic friends and you always help me out, which means the world. I can’t adequately. express my feelings right now – how sick I feel, how much I feel like there’s a weight of my own creation hanging over me – but hopefully’ with this post, I’ve lifted some of that weight. That’s what I NEED to do: to lighten the load until I can breathe without selfishly pitying myself.
Right. There is no logical reason for feeling this way, so I’m just going to… Do something to make me feel better, and STOP posting these things that are JUST SO NEGATIVE. By that, I mean stop damn well pitying myself and grow the hell up. There are bigger things, besides.
ARGHHH sorry again.
From Elm 🙂