Well I’m ALIVE, So…

It’s 19 April.

Y’know what happens on 19 April? Unless you read my post, last year, you won’t and trust me, I wouldn’t read that because it’s pretentious – OH ARGH I should just shut up and explain.

I call this day my “Not Birthday” because, well, it IS. I was SUPPOSED to be born 16 years ago today, but that… KIND of didn’t happen. I talk about this a LOT on here (by that I mean I mention it sometimes) but I want to again.

Last year, I guess I KNEW how much it all meant, in a way. It seems weird to contemplate life, death and everything – still seems strange – but I’ve got used to asking myself why I’m still alive.

I should have things wrong with me. I should have SOMETHING ELSE besides being blind, because for fuck’s sake, I was born 16 WEEKS EARLY. Except, I don’t. I’ve made it this far, without any major health complications, and I don’t understand WHY.

Even though I’m alive, it seems quite insensitive for me to be “celebrating” when there are so many people who don’t have hope left, or for whom things are horrendous. I know that, and I feel guilty for it all the time – I haven’t had an “I don’t deserve to live as much as other people do” days in a while though.

It’s times like these when I say to myself that even if my life isn’t worth anything in the grand scheme of things, it’s worth something to ME. Last year and a bit the year before, I celebrated – morbidly – about how I was okay and everything was okay with my body besides the eyes.

I’ve grown up. Over the last year, I’ve been a bitch, got my heart stamped on by someone who didn’t even know they were doing it, hurt people emotionally, etc etc. I thought, stupidly, that a year ago I was mature enough to deal with a relationship, but now, I’ve set my boundaries for one and I KNOW what I’m not okay with. I won’t lie – two years ago I was an immature little shit.

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed, and I’m going to live and realise there’s more to life than dwelling on the past, or my birth, or my LIFE for extended periods of time.

I’m not an inspiration. I’m me, and I have a blog; I’m alive.

Sorry this was a terrible post, but ehh.

From Elm πŸ™‚

27 thoughts on “Well I’m ALIVE, So…

  1. Not a terrible post, Elm, but for us, a view of you showing appreciation for what you do have, a realisation that things may not have been going right, and the decision to change, and do something about it.
    You are an inspiration to many who read your blog, and never think otherwise!
    We are all an inspiration to someone out there, and you are one to quite a few from what I read on your blog, and the comments!
    Stay happy always!
    πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

  2. This is actually a great post πŸ™‚ Happy not-birthday! It’s okay to be celebrating this.
    Don’t worry about your past mistakes, learn to forgive not only others, but yourself as well.
    And I just wanted to say that you inspire me very much, and probably many other people out there. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  3. Terrible? It was amazing! Because by reminiscing, you on your own reached a point of acceptance, and that is a lot! You accepted that your past is your past and your future a different thing! Congrats Elm, and Happy Non Birthday?! You are still so young and there’s so much out there, you’ll still get hurt, suffer from time to time, but trust me, you’ll be happy too! And you matter to so many people, your existence is not random or irrelevant! Just live! Have some fun! Spend your time with those who matter and be the best that you can! πŸ™‚

  4. Nothing you write is terrible, you know! You’re an inspiration to me, and many other people. You have life experiences that others can relate to, and that’s what makes you such a great blogger. You have been there, and are clearly overcoming it bit by bit and for that, I am proud of you! πŸ˜€

  5. Why would this post ever be terrible?!
    So you were born 16 weeks early. That doesn’t stop you from enjoying what this day could’ve been. And plus you get to celebrate TWO birthdays. Now THAT’s pretty frickin cool πŸ˜‰
    Don’t worry Elm

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