Yesterday, a friend of mine spontaneously called me up, just for a chat, and asked me: “Are you okay?” To which I replied, “Yeah?” After a pause. “Yeah… Um, I, no.”
He’s become a really good friend over the past few months (after I stopped being a total dick to him), but it was a total shock for someone to just ask me that. I hadn’t really thought about it – I said I wasn’t okay, but really thinking about it was another matter.
After what happened on Friday, it’s fine for me not to be okay. I’ve realised that. It’s no one’s fault – not Rapunzel’s because she’s amazing and I have so much respect for her, and not my own, because I think anyone would be miserable after a breakup. That’s fine and I’m slowly dealing with this in my own way.
Ivy came round yesterday too, and I spoke to her about all of it, and told her what I was going to do to try and make myself feel a little better. She helped me laugh, and we had a great time as we always do. That, coupled with the chat I had with my other friend, made me think on everything today. I was feeling so sad when I was at Rose and Poppy’s, until I kicked myself into shape and decided: I’ll tell YOU. I’ll write a list, and who knows? It might help you too.
I’m going to numb everything, just for a week. I can’t let this affect my exams; I will be SO much happier if I get into a positive mindset for the last five before the half term. Then, in that week, in between bouts of “SHIT REVISION HELP ME!” I’ll let myself feel. I’ll show myself it’s ALRIGHT to feel. Once all of my exams are over, I’ll do the same thing.
I’m going to try and talk to my friends as much as possible. Wren, Red, Odd, and all the rest. It’ll cheer me up – I’ll definitely try and meet up with them. Even with revision, I don’t think me being alone is the best thing to do. Yeah, I felt ill today and sad, but hanging out with friends will make me laugh and I NEED that. I can’t shut myself away.
Speaking of friends, I’ll make some more friendships, or earth up some old ones. Making a new friend, or having the thrill of a friendship and being trusted, is the thing that makes me the happiest. It’s such a lovely feeling – to know you have people around you, especially new people. Expanding my “circle” (HAHAHAHA WHAT), like an absolute rebel, is something I really want to try. I’m not popular in the least, but recently the friends I’ve made – just random people who you wouldn’t expect me to like – have lifted my mood. Internet friends, real life friends, whatever fits.
I won’t do this much, but I’ll try and post. As much as I NEED to concentrate on revision, which I WILL do much more, this is a way of coping. A way of therapy, if. you want to put it like that. I may not read blogs, but I AM going to be here, on a not-really-hiatus-but-sort-of-a-hiatus-roll-with-it. The support I get here is bamazing and makes me smile all the time. What I do need to remember, though, is BALANCE REVISION AND ACTUALLY DO REVISION bloody hell.
Moving on, in terms of the relationship, seems a bit stupid to me right now. I’m not even at a stage where I can think about things without wanting to curl into a ball or BECOME a ball, so if I tried to force it, it wouldn’t work. I’m going to wait, make myself feel more positive, and if I eventually move on it’ll be okay. Shit it even hurts thinking about that. NOOOOO NEGATIVITY EEEELLMMM. Just… Not going to even run down that train of thought.
Honestly? This post really helped me to put things into perspective. If you’re feeling awful, try some of the things I’m doing; maybe we can go along this feeling-better journey together. Do something you love, and remember, DON’T PRESSURE YOURSELF TO FEEL OKAY. It will happen when it happens.
From Elm 🙂