I considered password-pretecting this post, making it private, or not posting this at all. I thought, “What’s the point? Who the hell’s gonna read it anyway?” ME. I’m going to read it. I’m going to write it, because my heart feels shattered and I feel so sick that I’m shaking insanely.
This post is going to focus on my breakup with Rapunzel, which you can read a little about here. I won’t be going through what happened – these are just my thoughts. My scattered thoughts. As a disclaimer: I’m not angry at Rapunzel, or at myself; I don’t hate anyone right now. This wasn’t a breakup that was bitter.
If you’re reading this, Rapunzel, I’m so sorry if this makes you sad. I don’t want to cause you pain, and know that I have so much respect for you because you’re doing the best you can – don’t forget that I’m here whenever you need to talk.
And here’s the actual… Explosion of thought. Sorry in advance – I SHOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’s OKAY TO POST THIS
Tears are in my eyes, and now they’re sliding down my cheeks. I haven’t cried in exactly a week – I haven’t let myself. My philosophy was that if I broke, I wouldn’t be able to focus on exams. I had to numb it. It was – IS – sensible, but now I’m empty.
It hurts. I can feel myself choking, wondering, thoughts circling round in my head. I’m not okay. I’m so incredibly not okay that it astounds me. I feel so upset that I’ve been so obvious about it, because it was SUPPOSED to be invisible. Numb. That’s how I needed it to be. I’m not speaking plainly oh shit.
I feel so… Disappointed. Miserable. Usually, I’d let it out slowly, and allow myself to cope over a period of time, but because of exams, all this sadness and pain is pouring out of me NOW. I don’t know how to express it.
How can I be okay after a relationship ended? I’m not angry. I’m just so sad, because I had so much hope. Hope for me and hope for her and hope for everything, which is all shot to hell now. That’s the main thing: I had illusions of forever, which I hate. And now I’m crying and I just want it to all stop for a minute, just for a MINUTE, but I can’t.
There are so many unresolved feelings that I have, which I didn’t address until now. Every time I think about moments with her, I get a flash of happiness and then the worst feeling: a creeping, cold sensation, that makes me feel so incredibly sad that I can’t speak. I can’t articulate and it hurts, because of the memories.
On the floor, tears falling, hands wrapped around my knees so that I won’t tear my hair out. Why, if it lasted for two months, does it hurt this much?
I’m in love with her and the hopelessness of that is fucking killing me. I feel so pathetic and absolutely broken, like a rag doll thrown against the shore, and all I can do is repeat the same phrases: I’m sad I’m sad sad sad sad I want to disappear stop, stop, I just feel so sad. I’ve tried to make myself strong, to be positive in exams, but my heart’s broken again through no fault of anyone. That partly makes it worse and partly makes it better.
All the things that will never be. The fairytale’s gone and the hope I had too, in THIS at least. I’m whining, asking myself why things don’t go right – because I proved to myself I was okay, after my last relationship where I thought something was wrong with me because my feelings faded. That’s something. But now, my feelings for her are the same and it damn hurts and why can’t I just EXPLAIN?
The very thought of thinking about other people, in that context, makes me want to cry. It feels wrong, just WRONG, because right now she’s the only one I can think about. There’s a guy who keeps on making sexual references about me and other people; if he does that one more time, I’m snapping. It won’t matter that I’ll go crazy at him, because he knows but he doesn’t know how horrified I feel when he does that.
I don’t care that one day I’ll move on: for now I just can’t; none of that matters. I don’t care that I’ll be happy again with someone else because I’m not now and all I want to do is sob my lungs out in a corner.
Is this normal? Is it normal for me to react so miserably after a breakup? I almost feel guilty, which is ridiculous, but she may read this. Nothing’s her fault – not mine either – but it can never go back to how it was which is in a way a good thing, because she needs to take care of herself. Don’t think you’re selfish, Elm. It’s okay it’s okay damnit.
I feel so lost. Melodramatic, but lost too; I don’t know how I’m going to function over this week. I just want to cry, and now I am, and I want to scream about how unfair it all is. I have no happy ending, at least it feels like that now, but if I don’t let this out I won’t feel human. This post has no substance for fuck’s sake.
My dad came into my room and asked me how I was feeling, because he knew I had gone upstairs to “feel miserable”, in my words. I said, “No. I’m not okay. I’m very, very sad.” Though that nearly set me off again, I was happy I was being honest.
Has this helped? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. This week, whenever my thoughts strayed down the path of her, or whenever I got reminded of things we said or some of her adorable habits, I shut myself down. I can’t make myself think of all of them now, but when they inevitably crop up, I know I’ll find it difficult to hold myself together. I can just content myself with letting things out on this blog.
I miss her. That’s the whole pinnacle of this. I miss her and her laugh and the way that she made me laugh, and the three happiest days I’ve had in recent years. The way that we talked, at 3 in the morning, and it was silent all around us. The way that I was so so happy, knowing something was going really well – and I might get that again, who knows? I miss it all and the memories of that are making me cry again, because now I feel so lonely. God, I feel lonely as shit and that’s so damn pathetic.
All the things that were. All that things that could have been. All the things that will never be.
Oh well. Guess I’ll just have to cope, in my own way, and feel as positive as possible without crying for help constantly.
Thanks for being here.
From Elm 🙂