Let’s grab your attention and shock the shit out of you and myself: today, Ash and I spoke for the first time in a little over a year. To find out who he is, visit this page. Here’s how it happened.
I spent the day with Red and Ivy – two of my best friends who are fantastic. We walked around the town, laughed at stupid things (I cried because I laughed so hard), took pictures of birds and sat on the grass. GODDD it was amazing and I felt so happy; I needed a distraction from the stuff that’s been going on recently. Also, I can never think of mirror selfies the same way again, so thanks for that 😛
It was over lunch that I broached the subject of Ash, and how I’d been thinking of messaging him over the past few weeks. It’s true: recently, I’ve just been wanting to do it, to see how it would go; to prove to myself I COULD. The two of them didn’t judge me at all – in fact they were bloody supportive. After we walked around for a bit, we went and sat on the grass, chatted and threw grass at each other, and that was when I messaged him.
I’d talked about it with them, got a little scared, but then just messaged him saying hi – that was all. It worked, really; I couldn’t say anything else. It felt freeing, and like I could really do this. How do I express this?
I then wouldn’t think about it – I told myself, “Don’t obsess. You did that last time, and it’s okay – he’ll reply when he replies.” Ivy reminded me to check now and again, but it didn’t turn into a constant worry; I’m proud of myself for that. After I’d sent it, I felt really sick but that was the only time when I properly freaked. Luckily, they were there to help me, and we turned it into a symbolic thing without making it overly serious.
He DID reply, and I’m so happy that when I saw, I only got the slightest twinge of “WHATTHEFUCK is going on???” I was relatively calm, which is surprising; it kind of shows me that I’m way more okay with what happened than I thought. YESSS.
God, it feels so surreal. You know when you just experience things and you ask yourself, “Is this ACTUALLY HAPPENING?!”
I think what propelled me to do this was that a few days ago, Aspen (my ex-boyfriend who I really respect) messaged me which made me unbelievably happy; he and I have conversations from time to time but we hadn’t spoken in two months before he’d messaged me. That made me feel like the past was in reach, and that it was okay to do this; I’ve been feeling like I NEED to get closure for things. Aspen was the first step, and I think now WAS the right time to message Ash
Our conversation is very formal – asking how each other is, how exams are going. But it’s something. My heart’s filling with so much happiness right now, because I took that first step. It may seem like I’m dragging up the past when I shouldn’t, but it actually doesn’t feel like that. I’m no longer that girl who would wait for his messages and wonder, “Does he hate me; what have I done wrong; am I awful?” I’ve grown.
Sorry, I’m feeling so emotional at the moment and I’m not. sure why. Just the fact that I’ve opened the door to something that used to cause me so much pain, and when I opened it I was FINE, makes me feel so happy for things to come. I doubt that Ash will attach any significance to my messages, because we aren’t exactly having a heart-to-heart, but it’s important to ME.
It’s not the end of Ash and I. There’s still more to the story, still things unsaid, but that’s okay. You don’t always have to tie up all the loose strings – well, in our case, pick up the thoughts scattered for miles.
I won’t make this in to a massive deal. I’m posting this here because I want to – need to. My blog started with Ash, and throughout it, I’ve gone through stages of loving him and hating him. My emotions towards him now are… Neutral. That’s surprising.
Yes, he’s turned into a horrible person. He gets high every day, I’m pretty sure, and has been known to beat people up. That doesn’t stop me wanting to look back on things, and for wanting to show myself. that I can speak to him without screaming. It’s in the past, but I can still talk; I want to show him that we don’t have to be strangers.
Red and Ivy are the only ones that know. When this is published, so will you and I’m happy about that. The majority of you won’t have been here in the midst of everything to do with Ash, but I think you can understand. He was the first person I fell in love with, the person who showed me what being so openly trusted felt like, and the person who smashed my feelings into the ground and kicked them, without realising. Someone like that’s always going to be important. I haven’t told any of my real life friends, but if they read this then they’ll know.
Even if I may get backlash, or questions as to why the hell I’ve done this, you have to understand my reasons. It’s for me, and for everyone who used to cry over someone who never, and could never, love them back.
If you’re thinking of getting back in contact with someone who once meant the world to you, think about it before you do it. Ask yourself, “Will I be okay afterwards? Will I be able to deal with whatever happens?” If your answer is yes, grab it with both hands. You can do this.
It’s not the end. It’s not the end of my past, because it’s in reach. I CAN be strong enough to talk to Ash, in fact, I AM. Today is not the end of our conversations – though I may message him with a simple hi every now and then, that’s not pathetic. It’s just… Okay.
I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m going to take this and learn, and hold the past with no tears in my eyes.
From Elm 🙂
Just Call Me Elm or Something 
As long as you’re okay!
I very much am 🙂 God, it’s invigorating to say that.
I hope you continue to be as strong as it sounds like you’re being! I’m sure everything will turn out fine in the end and it seems as though you’re on the right path. Also,you have some pretty awesome friends!
That I do; they’re fab! 🙂
I’m just so happy that I AM on the right path. I just want myself to realise that getting closure is more than okay. Thanks so much for the comment!
ELM YES I AM VERY PROUD WELL DONE 😀
THANK YOU VERY MUCH I’M GLAD TO SAY I’M PROUD OF MYSELF
YES ELM I’M SOOOO PROUD OF YOU! I can’t predict the future, but I’m sure everything will end up ok 🙂 judging from this. <33
Also, it's great that you have some awesome friends to support you on the way!
I really, really hope so! I’ve got a lot of hope for the future right now and that makes ME HAPPY!
That intro really grabbed my attention! HAHA, but anyways, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. You’re so brave! A lot of girls can’t even do that!
Thank you so so much!!! 🙂 You have always supported me and I’m glad of that! And YAY FOR INTROS!
I’m so proud that you were able to text him! It takes courage you know. I’ve been through a similar situation with my ex and some former friend of mine. I know how it feels to obsess over texting them or not. You’re very strong! ❤
Oh my God. Obsessing over receiving a text from your ex. There is probably no one who understands that better than me haha!
SAME! We can all scream about obsessing together. And like, you run into a loop of wondering WHY they haven’t replied and asking yourself what you’ve done. wrong.
Get ready to call all your relatives cuz this thread is about to get SO RELATABLE.
(and then you make scenarios about what you should be said and what he would say after that and ugh)
Oh my God exactly! And the worst thing is, you then wonder if he speaks to other people and why he doesn’t speak to you
Ugh yeah and you can see he’s online but not talking to you!
YEAH! Exactly argh
I know right!!
Thank you so much – I did freak out a little, but I managed. And AHHH I know how obsessing is and it just consumes every part of you!
Ugh yess! And it could be over just like a tiny text XD you’re welcome though, hang in there xx
YEH exactly! So glad you understand. I’ll try to xx
Oh my gosh! I love this. “I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m going to take this and learn, and hold the past with no tears in my eyes.” 🙂 That is so beautiful!
I love how you just take things from my post and they actually sound sensible eeekk! So glad you liked it!
🙂
To he quite honest, everything you write DOES make sense! Evie here, just highlights it 🙂
Awww thank you so much!
Haha it’s my pleasure!
(I’m sorry for asking this but would you please check my blog out? I wrote stories and I always like some unbiased opinion about my blog layout, writing style, anything really? Thanks you x)
Absolutely – have I not already? I’m ashamed of myself! Gonna do that right now 🙂
Aw you really don’t have to be 🙂
Thank you
Even though I wasn’t here for all the Ash stuff, I am proud of you!
I think it’s great that you did this 🙂 xxx
Thank you so much, I’m glad you do 🙂 xx
Elm, I’m so very proud of you and you should be too. I know this may sound like something that big, it surely took courage. I know how hard it can be to somehow channel all your energy into NOT feeling and then acting like everything’s totally cool. It’s not easy, but you did it and i’m SO glad you did.
God, I’m so glad I did it too. It’s lifted a year-long weight I didn’t even know WAS there and I’m proud of myself. I just want to see where it goes, really. Thank you for always always being here 🙂
From what I read, you’re really growing as a person and I believe it’s for the best. I wish the best in every way, shape and form! Keep doing what you’re doing!
And you, too! 🙂 Thanks for all your support; the means a lot. You sound like such a great person.
You as well (:
Thank you!
Elm, whatever you need to do or say to learn to live with your past, you should do. And anyone that tells you otherwise is wrong! If this helps you, by all means, continue to do it, because all anyone who cares about you wants is for you to feel okay.
-Amy
That really does mean the world. I swear you cheer me up whenever you comment! 🙂 Thank you.
Awe, I’m so glad! I try to keep up to date with it, but I never look at my WordPress followings. Do you have an email follower button?
I’m not sure! I can try get one!
I was just wondering! I believe (if you want one) that you can just search for them in the customizer under widgets as a follow button.
Ohh that’s cool; I’ll have a look!
Good luck! 🙂
Thank you!
I just want to be at peace with whatever happened in the past, and start again.
Exactly. Having heavy stuff in your past that you have not made your peace with yet bogs you down and makes it infinitely harder to move on with your life.
Yes that’s exactly it!