Round 2 of It: I have No Choice

What I like to call Round 2 of Torture – CRAP sorry, I meant exams – starts again tomorrow. 12 of them. WAHEYYY.

This time, I’m not going on an official hiatus because hahahaha that didn’t work the LAST time, but I doubt I’ll post frequently. Or read. Or do anything much – I say that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to barely revising for shit. NO ELM YOU GOTTA REVISE!

Exams mean that I have to numb things. Two weeks ago, I had to make myself not feel it – I had to bury it, not think about it. As much as doing this again is a bit detrimental, I have no choice.

If I want to do well, I have no alternative. If I want to let myself not stress, or not want to burn every bone in my body – I can do nothing but not let it affect me.

My head is possibly more messed up than ever; I don’t know where I stand; I’m confused about everything. I feel very sad the majority of the it, mixed in with bursts of happiness like on Friday which make my life. Because of all that, to me, it’s important that I numb it all. It’s going to be more difficult to NOT feel, but I’ll have to manage.

The process starts about now, after I post this, so I can give myself freedom to PROPERLY revise, as I haven’t done enough this half term. With the stress of exams, plus the stress of everything else, PLUS the stress I’ve caused myself when I realised I haven’t revised – yeah, that’s kind of funny actually.

I wish I could tell you how I’m feeling, all of the confusion and sadness, but I can’t. If I want to start numbing it, I need to do it today so that I at least have a base for it for the rest of the exams. I don’t know how well it will turn out – I really want to write it out and then password protect/make the post private, but again, I can’t.

I wish I could shout at the world, or I wish I had done more revision. Exams are scaring me – I’m TERRIFIED – and I’m worried. I’ll be okay though; I’m making this out. to be worse than it actually is.

I have to let myself not feel. I have to blank it, become a work machine; I have to throw myself into these exams. The only time I’ll talk about my feelings today is probably a brief explanation to a few friends. That’s it. That HAS to be it, and I know it’s not healthy.

Please PLEASE, if you’re going through something, DON’T block it out. Let yourself deal with it, if you have the opportunity. It’s important that you don’t block yourself off to it. You HAVE that option. Take it.

Me? I have no choice.

From Elm πŸ™‚

57 thoughts on “Round 2 of It: I have No Choice

  1. Good Luck with the rest of your exams Elm, I’ve already taken 10 so I have 6 left. Just keep thinking of the moment you are told to close your paper in the last exam and you’ll never have to do another GCSE again haha- thats whats keeping me going! πŸ™‚

    • YES that’s a great idea! πŸ™‚ Ahh I need to do that. So nervous but I’ll be okay! ARGH! You have half my exams left you lucky thing!

  2. Good luck with your exams. I’m going through the same things right now so I get how you feel. My advice is simply to power through it and give everything your best. Hope this helped

  3. Good luck with your exams and don’t bottle all your feelings up it’s not good for you just breath you will do great πŸ™‚

  4. I totally agree! I have two finals left and I’m really close to dying out of boredom and misery. (Even though I’m mostly procrastinating to study properly) But hey! Look at the bright side, after you’re finished with all that crap, you can loosen up and treat yourself. (Because you damn as well deserve it!) I know you don’t want to feel so you can focus, but sometimes you have to let out a little emotions. It’s essential for not going insane XD. Anyways, good luck!! I hope you do well πŸ™‚

    • I’ll try and let out a teeny bit πŸ˜€ Thanks so much for all your support; it means a lot! I’ll just try and survive – and you’re gonna do fabulously!

  5. Hey all the best for your exams! I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly AND figure things out! Nothing stays messed up forever (except maybe grades)… Wait that doesn’t help sorry. YOU’LL DO WELL BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

  6. Good luck!
    My exams start tomoz too (cry)
    We are literally trapped in one form room all day and when we’re not doing exams, we have to revise in silence =(

  7. Good luck on your exams I’m sure you’ll do really well. I only have one exam this year but I think the plan is to try and revise as soon as possible even if I start just once or twice a week. Just push through these exams a little longer then life may cheer up a bit and you can feel more like a human than a slave to school work

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