What I like to call Round 2 of Torture – CRAP sorry, I meant exams – starts again tomorrow. 12 of them. WAHEYYY.
This time, I’m not going on an official hiatus because hahahaha that didn’t work the LAST time, but I doubt I’ll post frequently. Or read. Or do anything much – I say that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to barely revising for shit. NO ELM YOU GOTTA REVISE!
Exams mean that I have to numb things. Two weeks ago, I had to make myself not feel it – I had to bury it, not think about it. As much as doing this again is a bit detrimental, I have no choice.
If I want to do well, I have no alternative. If I want to let myself not stress, or not want to burn every bone in my body – I can do nothing but not let it affect me.
My head is possibly more messed up than ever; I don’t know where I stand; I’m confused about everything. I feel very sad the majority of the it, mixed in with bursts of happiness like on Friday which make my life. Because of all that, to me, it’s important that I numb it all. It’s going to be more difficult to NOT feel, but I’ll have to manage.
The process starts about now, after I post this, so I can give myself freedom to PROPERLY revise, as I haven’t done enough this half term. With the stress of exams, plus the stress of everything else, PLUS the stress I’ve caused myself when I realised I haven’t revised – yeah, that’s kind of funny actually.
I wish I could tell you how I’m feeling, all of the confusion and sadness, but I can’t. If I want to start numbing it, I need to do it today so that I at least have a base for it for the rest of the exams. I don’t know how well it will turn out – I really want to write it out and then password protect/make the post private, but again, I can’t.
I wish I could shout at the world, or I wish I had done more revision. Exams are scaring me – I’m TERRIFIED – and I’m worried. I’ll be okay though; I’m making this out. to be worse than it actually is.
I have to let myself not feel. I have to blank it, become a work machine; I have to throw myself into these exams. The only time I’ll talk about my feelings today is probably a brief explanation to a few friends. That’s it. That HAS to be it, and I know it’s not healthy.
Please PLEASE, if you’re going through something, DON’T block it out. Let yourself deal with it, if you have the opportunity. It’s important that you don’t block yourself off to it. You HAVE that option. Take it.
Me? I have no choice.
From Elm 🙂