I have 2 exams left.
Remember when I had 23, and when it was 19 days away and I was panicking? Yeah, me too.
I’ll save all the “I’m SO RELIEVED”, and “YAAAAYYYY FREEDOM!” posts until after they’re done. Maybe posting this will make the anticipation build and ultimately make me more nervous, but I’m a total rebel and don’t play by any rules okay that’s a complete lie.
Unfortunately, my chemistry exam – the second one out of two – today went really badly. I’m not even just saying that; I feel sick whenever I think about it because I could barely answer the questions (and I felt confident at the beginning, as well). People found it easier, which makes me feel terrified for my chances. WHOOPS. Ah well.
I’m honestly quite upset about that. It was the first exam where my horror at not understanding something DIRECTLY affected how I approached the paper. With the first maths paper, it was alright because I tried to be logical. In chemistry, it was panic panic panic and I felt that awful fog descending where I wanted to scream and I thought that I was a total failure. It was a little bit of a shock, as it’s been a long time since I’ve felt so incredibly negative about an exam. For the others, I haven’t let myself feel terrible when I KNEW I’d got something wrong, partly down to the fact that I realised that if I broke then, I wouldn’t be able to stop but also because I wanted – and still do – to stay as positive as possible.
That’s mostly dissipated, but there’s still a lingering horror that I’ve majorly screwed myself over. Though I can’t do anything about it now, it doesn’t stop me from worrying. Also, it doesn’t help when I feel like my worries are insignificant because I don’t need that at the moment.
The only two I have left are physics. Like Chemistry, I’m dreading them – the chemistry has knocked my confidence a LOT, but I should be alright? Tomorrow is going to be intense revision like you’ve never (and I’ve never) seen, and I’m going to shut myself away when I’m not in school doing revision sessions. So basically hermit Elm to the not rescue because she won’t be talking to anyone.
Yeah, physics is scaring me. There’s a lot I don’t understand, and I want to beat my head against the wall several times, but I’m going to give myself a break for tonight. Right now, it’s about 9:30 so I can’t do anything anyway without feeling panicky and the information floating through my brain. Y’know moments, and magnetic fields and stars – AHHH I CAN’T!!!!
God, I can’t wait until it’s all over. The only thing that’s getting me through it is the thought that in two days, I’ll be free.
It’s strange; I’ve been talking to Ash quite a bit over the last, well, three days? ALSO before you scream at me, if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about and you wonder why the fuck I’m messaging ASH, read