Something really weird happened today.
On the way from my dad’s house to my mum’s, my mother asked me, “Hey Elm! Do you want to try independently cooking your lunch today?”
It took me a few seconds to actually process what she had said. You see, it’s my dad that usually helps me with getting more independent. He and I have cooked meals together – more with him doing most of the work but shhh – and he’s listened to me ranting about how terrible I feel when I have no independence. My mum, on the other hand, often “babies” me more and doesn’t LET me have independence. That frustrates me and upsets me, which causes me to snap and then we have an argument and I feel shit all over again.
If you don’t know, I’m almost fully blind (I don’t know how to explain my sight). Because of that, it felt like a huge deal to me. Getting independence and being able to live without constantly asking for help is really important.
You can imagine, then, that it was a huge shock for her to ask me such a direct question. After I got my senses back, I immediately said “YES! That’d be great!” and we discussed what we’d do. It was just pasta, with some sauce, but still.
Some people say that I’m confident, but in a lot of areas, I’m really not. We got home and I felt a little nervous, but I decided to wing it and see how it went. I didn’t build up expectations as to whether it would go okay, or go terribly. I just DID IT, with no angry thoughts about how I was shit.
I find it almost surreal that I did it. Not that it’s complicated, because it isn’t – I didn’t do it all by myself because I’m not THAT much of a rebel yet. Now I’m thinking about it, I feel a little child-like and almost embarrassed that it’s taken me this long, but I suppose it wasn’t necessarily my fault.
Yeah, I’m proud of myself. The pasta took AGES to boil so my mum and I have to refine the method we use. I was calm throughout the whole process, only getting really paranoid that it wouldn’t work once, and even then I didn’t start shaking or snapping at her.
Sorry, I just need to let that sink in for a bit. I made FOOD, without actually burning myself or crying. That might not seem like much of an achievement, but to me, it is. I was actually laughing with mum about the whole thing, because at one point we were discussing whether it had actually worked – WITHOUT ME GETTING UPSET!!!!
In all, I was totally calm. I was curious about what I had to do, and asked loads of questions – I didn’t feel like it was pointless or stupid, or that I was a pathetic baby. As opposed to even two weeks ago, my levels of self-hatred were – and are – EXTREMELY low, because today there was no cause whatsoever to hate myself. I’m really proud of that.
I think it was partly down to the fact that I’ve not been stressed at all recently (NO EXAMS YES), but also because I’ve been in such a positive mindset that it astounds me. Usually, I’m rather cold towards my mother but today, I treated her like she DESERVED to be treated. She was helping me, and I showed her I fully appreciated her help. I don’t do that enough, and I often take her for granted; today has shown me she DOES actually want to help me.
I feel like I can do all of this. Cook, be independent, and cross every bridge I come to. I don’t feel invincible, but I feel pretty bloody close to it.
I’m happy with myself.
From Elm 🙂