I’m feeling… Urgh today. (Urgh isn’t really a word, but shhh roll with it). I don’t really have the energy to write this post but I’m gonna have to because you deserve to know. Ehhh.
In fact, I’m actually quite irritated that I feel bad. Today, I had a great day with Odd and some of our other friends where we basically went around shops and walked by the river. I was so happy to spend time with friends, so why am I so upset now?
Yay, I just thought I’d shout my words onto a screen and onto this blog thing to see where it goes. Oh GREAT, let’s explore Elm’s feelings at the same time she’s figuring them out!
I’m going to get shit for this, and I know it, but sometimes I wish I had never told any real life people about this blog. I love them, trust them and realistically I couldn’t have kept it from them, but now I’m in a situation which I literally can’t talk about. I know that I couldn’t have done this without them – kept up this blog, because they always support me – but I just wonder sometimes. Would I feel more free? It would feel deceitful, though, to talk about what happens with my closest friends. Because I’m not that disgusting, I won’t do that.
It’s not even one situation. There are about three situations right now that are making me feel miserable, none of which I even want to discuss with anyone – not my real life friends, not on the blog, because I can’t. I just don’t care enough at the moment; I don’t want pity or sympathy.
God, I’m so pissed off. I was so so positive earlier, and over the last WEEK even, and now I’ve taken a total nosedive. And for what? A pathetic thing that is my fault. I appear to enjoy blaming myself which is so damn annoying.
URGH I can’t even speak about it, so what’s the point in posting? I’m frustrated, upset, worried, confused, bitter. All those fun emotions are zooming around in my head, plus a heavy dose of guilt. So heavy, in fact, that I kind of want to break something/my fingers?
Oh wow. Wow, wow, wow, I haven’t wanted to do that in a long time. I’m starting to get a little worried for myself, so I think I need to go and calm down, shut myself away, and not go into self-hatred mode.
The majority of the time, I tell myself the following things: You’re irritating. And attention-seeking, don’t forget that. You did that, it’s your FAULT, now deal with it. Stupid fucking baby child. Get a DAMN GRIP and grow the hell up and stop being such a stupid bitch. You thought you had good intentions but nahhh.
What’s bothering me? I don’t know. I don’t even see the point in explaining to anyone, because I’ll just make people feel guilty and then I’ll feel worse. I always do this, don’t I? When the slightest thing happens, I whine, make it all boo-hoo look Elm’s all sad now, and not even think about consequences or anyone else. At least I try to but I don’t in the long run.
What the hell is this post? What’re my thoughts, that they’d make me go back into the cycle of disliking myself, and then disliking myself BECAUSE I have no reason to.
I blow things out of proportion. If anyone in real life reads this they’ll think I’m so stupid and pathetic because I’m not the issue here. Why do I make things about myself and then go all ape-shit crazy noooo I haaaaate myself on a situation? It makes it worse for me and especially other people because it just prolongs things and makes them into a bigger deal than it is.
I’m just going to shut up. I’m so sorry for this: I hate writing negative posts. I know none of you will understand what’s happening and I’m sorry, but sharing this blog with people I know in real life plus paranoia have consequences. I’m happy to deal with them because if real life people didn’t read my blog, they wouldn’t understand me as much.
I make myself feel sick sometimes but that’s okay. Over the last two years, I don’t appear to have learnt a single thing and that’s upsetting me more than I can think. I had a conversation with my mum today about how much I’d progressed but that seems to have shattered.
There’s no point to writing this at all. I’m just so negative, and I ask for attention and get scared when I get it. I’m also needlessly worrying people.
I’m going to get in shit for posting this but then it will just affirm to me I’m not the greatest person. I make mistakes so I need to improve.
Ehh. I need sleep. I still want to punch myself in the ribs but that’ll pass. I won’t do it because it doesn’t achieve anything.
Eek I’m sorry if you had to read that. I REALLY REALLY hate writing stuff like this, especially when I walk the line between real life and the blogosphere. It’s thin and precarious and I feel so so guilty, so much so that I can almost feel it crawling over my skin. Oh well.
I hope you have an amazing day, and always keep smiling.
From Elm 🙂