Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

Whenever I want to tell you guys of a situation, I always procrastinate. I tell myself that I can never find the right words to say, I get panicked, and before it’s too late I eventually find the guts to post what’s been happening. Remember all the other times I’ve opened up? Yeah, this is one of those times.

When you’re writing, they tell you to get straight to the point within the first two paragraphs. Though I want to expand before, I’ll just say it here, as expanding comes after. There is a girl, and I’ll call her Jasmine.

After my breakup with Rapunzel, I absolutely refused to think about other people. It made me feel sick, angry and upset, because I convinced myself that if I did, I was obviously a terrible person. It’s only been since a couple of weeks ago, and especially at Prom, that I’ve allowed myself to properly consider that I can and have moved on, in the relationship sense of things (the emotions are still a bit muddled and confused, but that’s alright).

As much as I would have liked to have given myself more time to “move on”, as it were, it just wasn’t possible. What with exams, situations that blew up after the relationship ended and so much confusion that I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t exactly give myself a choice. Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest decision, but it’s done now and I can’t beat myself up about it.

Jasmine and I have been talking for about the past three weeks. You know me, and you know that I hate rushing things but it ends up happening anyway. As with many of my other “things”, I met her on the Internet. Wa-fucking-heyza, I KNOW that you’re thinking “Oh my god, Elm, PLEASE stop!” I’m sorry. I’m actually being somewhat careful this time.

I think that Jasmine is fabulous (a word we use to describe each other on multiple occasions). Pretty much every day since two weeks ago, we’ve talked on the phone. I know a lot about her and she does of me, and the good thing is that I’ve spoken to her foster mum and so I know she’s not some 40-year-old pervert.

Oh. Well, about being careful? I’m meeting her tomorrow. As in she’s coming to my house. Er, let me explain?

I remember, shortly after we started speaking, saying something about practicing going on trains. I was freaking out a little, because as you know, my independence is really important to me. The thing that convinced me she wasn’t a bitch was that she said, “I can help you if you’d like?” She offered, without me even asking; just that simple act of kindness astounded me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it’s rare that someone would just offer to help a blind kid out and would go out of their way. Ever since then, we’d discussed meeting up. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from me (and used to go to a school near me when she lived with a different family).

First of all, I was going to go to her house. Before anything could actually be arranged, I made sure that I knew her more – her flaws, her crappy qualities, and that she knew mine. Three weeks? You can get to know somebody in that time; not perfectly, but well enough. Unfortunately, my mum kind of freaked out.

I had to lie to both my parents. This is the thing I feel most guilty about. Not necessarily my mum – if she found out I spoke to people on the Internet, that would be it for me. No freedom, no internet, no trust ever again. However, my dad is so much more accepting. He knows I talk to people, like you guys, and encourages me to meet them as long as I’m with someone else. He would never, and I do mean never, allow Jasmine to come over if I hadn’t met her first; at the time, I was going to go to hers, but perhaps now he’d accept it? I told both of them that Jasmine was a friend of Ivy’s and that I’d met her at Ivy’s party. Luckily, both Ivy and Jasmine know the cover story (I just need to flesh out the details before she comes over tomorrow). I think mmum is a little suspicious, so I’m absolutely screwed if she finds out the truth. Lying is terrible and not the best course of action at all, and I feel bad for it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do this.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I’m very scared of your reaction, because I know that this potentially is risky. Isn’t life about taking risks, sometimes? I really want the freedom to do what I want, and to meet who I want. When my mum kicked up a fuss about me going to Jasmine’s (“I don’t know her, or her foster parents, and I’m worried!” which were all extremely valid concerns), I got unbelievably upset because I felt like I was a baby or something. Thank God Jasmine was okay with it. Her foster mum is driving her, so that my mum gets to meet them both to know who they are.

The only people that know the full story of this are Wren, Ivy and partly Willow. To be honest, when Jasmine comes over, I’m pretty damn sure something’s going to happen. Maybe not to the level of what might’ve happened when I’d gone to hers, but maybe that’s for the best right now. There’s been a lot of what one might call “flirting”, and some innuendos, and luckily I didn’t feel sick when that happened, which is progress.

I’m judging myself. If we kiss, is that okay? I don’t know. I’m not against it happening, but I just feel so… Guilty? I’m attempting not to call myself some horrendous names, but it’s difficult when I have about three people that I’m “considering”. It makes me feel awful because shitting hell, my last relationship ended a month and a half ago! What does that make me?

The main fear that I have when she comes around tomorrow is that she might get bored. Though it could be considered strange to say, I don’t find myself a particularly interesting person, but hopefully the conversations won’t dry up. I’m planning to go for a walk with her, because she’s staying for a while (perhaps 8 hours or something), as she lives too far for it to be just a 4 hour thing.

Both Jasmine and I are firmly set in that we don’t want a relationship. She’s in no position to right now, and neither am I. With me, I don’t want to get attached to anyone much this summer. It’s not just with her, it’s with anyone: it may put me in a difficult position, but I’ll have to be alright with that. In sixth form, I need to have a new start, and if I’m in a relationship, I think that the stress and paranoia will be so bad that I won’t be able to do much. I’m weighing up my personal happiness with the want to kiss people. WOAH that’s bad!

It’s not perfect, in any way. If I ever mention Rapunzel, she gets really jealous. We’re both paranoid as hell, and that’s not really good, but we know that whatever happens we’re still there as friends. She smokes a lot, and if you know me, you’ll know I really dislike cigarettes/drugs (she’s only done the latter as a test rather than a regular thing) but if I want to not be judgemental, I won’t think of that as a big deal; it doesn’t change her as a person. She’s done many, many things physically that I haven’t even got close to doing, but she understands. There’s this pressure I have to get into a relationship, but I honestly can’t right now – again, she gets it.

Maybe this will turn out shittily in the long run. I may be taking a huge leap into unknown territory that will screw me over. I might get so hurt by this and this MIGHT be a terrible idea, but for now I’m just trying to be okay with myself. If that involves having a “fling” with someone, so be it.

I still have so many unresolved feelings. I want to go out there and get experiences, live in the moment for once and be happy. Yes, stress may be a by-product of that, but I’ll just have to deal with it.

Before I commit to anything, I need to just say that I still respect Rapunzel implicitly. She’s still my friend, and we still very much talk; I’m always going to be there for her whenever I can. THAT hasn’t changed.

God, it feels great to finally explain all of this. I hope I’m doing the right thing, but the “right thing” is subjective.

Do you think it’s alright to act like I’m acting? I don’t want to hurt anyone, or make anyone miserable.

Thanks for always being here, and I mean that. You all make my day, because you’re just so helpful.

From Elm πŸ™‚

71 thoughts on “Having the Confidence to “Get Out There”

  1. I understand how you feel. I’m happy that you’re going out and meeting someone on the internet because you gotta sacrifice things and step out if your comfort zone in order to find happiness. Go ahead meet her and approach it positively. If this turns out to be a mistake then you’ll learn. The more mistakes you make the more lessons you learn. Straight up

    • Ahhh exactly! Thanks for being so positive about this πŸ™‚ It means a lot. I’m just going to go out there and do things because I want to. I think I’ve grown enough as a person to do that maturely.

      • No problem friends support each other and I respect you to always make the mature choice. Lying may feel horrible now but in the long term it might get you happiness and when you have happiness nothing else matters. You friggin go ahead and have some fun whether it be PG or NSFW you do you and I’ll support it

      • Now YOU are fab! πŸ™‚ I very much will, and yeah, lying can be ultimately something that makes me feel better within myself.

  2. If you feel comfortable and ready, you’re absolutely doing the right thing. There is no rule saying how long it should take to get over a relationship or after how long it is acceptable to start taking interest in other people. It is risky meeting people (I’ve never done it because I’m awful at lying to my parents, plus they already partially know about me blogging and whatnot and I don’t want to complicate stuff and freak them out more) but even to me she seems genuine and especially as you’ve talked to her foster mum too. I’m exactly the same – I consider myself boring too and always worry about.conversation ‘drying out’ – especially when doing video calls with internet friends which I LOVE but am extrememly awkward! Best of luck – I hope it all goes okay tomorrow! πŸ™‚

    • I really hope so too. Ahhh I know what you mean about conversations being awkward! πŸ˜€ And yeah, I’m a terrible liar and it makes me cringe!
      Really, I just want to get new experiences. She very much seems genuine, and I want to see where this takes me – excluding a relationship of course. Also, thanks for being so lovely about this. I sometimes tell myself I’m going too fast, and that moving on should be gradual, but it works differently for everyone so maybe I’m not wrong.
      Would you like to video call some time?

      • I’m so awkward it makes me cringe!! Plus, especially with video calls, I tend to be so excited that I’m ACTUALLY talking to my internet friends that I just sort of freak out and forget that I can actually talk to them and they can hear me! Yeah – sometimes it’s nice to be a bit spontaneous. You’re welcome! And you’re right – it does work differently for everyone. I’ve never been in a ‘real’ relationship so I don’t really have much experience but I guess just getting over any emotional shock in general takes different amounts of time for different people. Yeah – video calling would be nice although pre-warning for all my awkwardness, haha. I’m not sure when I’ll be free but we have the whole summer so I’m sure we can fit it in somewhere!

      • We definitely can! And I’m just as bad as you – I get so worried that the conversation will go badly that I end up not speaking. AHH!
        Yeah, it does take different times for anyone. It also takes different times depending on the situation, and what happened IN the situation.

      • Yeah same!! I’m bad at keeping conversations going most of the time, haha, it should be interesting though! πŸ˜‚ Exactly!

  3. Im proud of you for exploring and going to meet her and I wish I had the balls to do the same to certain people. Don’t look too far into the future just take everything as it comes. So go meet her and have fun. On the off chance this is a mistake, then that simply means more growth and progression. The more mistakes you make the more lessons you learn

    • Course I will; I wouldn’t dream of not updating you all! Ahh, I’m nervous as hell, but hopefully I’m not boring. I know what you mean about being awkward though hehe!
      Love ya too! πŸ™‚

  4. Wanting to meet online friends is normal, but I also understand your parent’s concern. It’s good that you’ve spoken to Jasmine on the phone too πŸ™‚ The only thing I would say is does Jasmine’s mum know the cover story if she’s going to be dropping Jasmine at yours? If I was in your situation I would personally worry that my mum would bring up something like that, so maybe run it by her? (Unless you already have!) I hope it works out tomorrow! And I think you’re doing the right thing, not looking for a relationship after your break up. Having time to yourself is a good thing πŸ™‚ Just see where things take you, and if it’s a good path then keep going in that direction πŸ™‚

    • Yeah, exactly! I worry about the cover story too, but I think Jasmine just said that I’m a friend – she hasn’t been living with her foster mum for long, so it wouldn’t have come up. But it should be fine!
      Thanks for supporting me, by the way. It means a lot that you’d help me to approach this so positively.

      • I think if your mum can see that you’re positive about it as well then she will see that you can be independent and you are careful as well 😊 I hope it goes well (which I’m sure it will!)

  5. Yes!! This is exciting! You won’t be boring either! Just be yourself and have a good time and hopefully everything should be alright (similar advice that you gave me ahah I wish I would follow it myself :S) … and if your mum finds out about you lying, I’m sure she’ll understand.. it’s not that unusual nowadays to meet up with people on the internet in real life.. If I wasn’t in Australia, I’d definitely go to meet up with you for example!

    • It’s sad that we live literally thousands of miles away, but oh well! An internet friendship is as real as those in real life πŸ™‚
      If my mum found out, I’d HOPE she’d understand. Then again, who knows? She could go mental, but I can’t take that risk. I would be much too terrified.
      Ahh, I’ll definitely take your advice! Let’s HOPE I’m not boring!

  6. I think if you’re ready to move on, you should do it. Life is too short for worries, steps backwards, and what if’s. If you like Jasmine for who she is then you should follow your heart. You’re not being a horrible person for moving on. You’re being human. I’m so glad you both are going to spend time together face to face. I hope that you follow whatever your heart tells you to do πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much, I hope I do too. That was a really lovely comment πŸ™‚ I’m slowly convincing myself that I’m not awful; it’ll take time, but I’m sure I’ll get to the point where I don’t feel this awful guilt. Because it’s OKAY to move on, and it’s natural. I just wish I didn’t feel scared that I was missing out on an opportunity, but I’ll have to be alright with that.

      • You’re so welcome πŸ™‚ You’re not an awful person. You’re not. It’s ok to feel guilty and scared, they’re regular human emotions. You have the obligation to feel whatever you need to feel to be ok. Because in the end, I really, truly believe that you’ll feel more than ok. Because that’s what you deserve πŸ™‚

      • Ohhh thank you so so much; that means the world! You’re amazing and I hope you know that, because you make me feel like it’s okay to feel.

  7. I hope you have a lovely time! It’s a parents job to be concerned, but as long as you know your being safe and that no one is at risk, I don’t think the lie is too terrible. I’m planning on making up some far fetched story about my internet friend who lives in America if I ever get to meet her πŸ˜‚ and hopefully the joy of meeting her, will outweigh the guilt of the lie. I’m sure you won’t get bored! Just be yourself and try not to force things, because that’s when it might start to get awkward, then again my advice is based purely on guessing as I’m inept in social situations 😎 I hope it all goes well! Xxx

    • Me too, and I’ll definitely update you guys! Ahhh, elaborate lies are great! “Um well, see, I know her through this friend of mine who went to America and casually met up with her randomly… I’m not lying, I promise!”
      I’m so bad at social situations, too. I’m going to try and be natural, as best as I can. UGHGHGHGHGH I don’t want to be too awkward so I’ll try and be myself! It’s harder than it appears but I’m sure I’ll manage? Yeah, I will.
      Thanks so much for all your support; your comments make my day!

      • I definitely want to know how it goes! Exactly, I’m sure my mum wouldn’t question it for a second πŸ˜‚ you will be just fine! Once you get talking, any awkwardness will disappear quickly 😊 that’s okay, thank you, your posts make mine! πŸ’—

  8. Obviously I’m nobody to give relationship advice, but I’ll give it a go. If you think you’ll regret not going anywhere with Jasmine, then go for it! She sounds lovely, with the whole helping thing, too!

  9. You got this Elm! I know these kind of posts are hard to write out sometimes and I’m proud of you for posting it. πŸ™‚ Good luck with Jasmine!

    • Thnk you so so much! And yeah, it was pretty difficult, as I had to make sure I’d included everything. I’ll be sure to let people know how it went!

  10. Elm, please. The only place where there’s a “Girl Code” on when you can start a relationship is girly gossip books.
    Here’s what I say: if you think you’re ready & comfortable, you CAN do it :). It’s also good that you’ve talked to Jasmine and her mom before actually meeting her. Good luck!

    • Ahhh thank you! I swear, you’re always so kind and supportive! Thanks, Hanna; you amazing unicorn πŸ˜€ I’ll update you on how it goes!

      • Aww, Elm. No problem, really, especially since YOU’re always there for ME, and it’s only returning the favor :). Do tell us how it goes, Elm dearest :)!

  11. Don’t feel guilty for moving on. It’s a part of the whole process and it means you’re doing well, which is good. Just keep in mind that you being happy is what matters. Don’t worry to much about meeting Jasmine, cause no matter what happens, you have stepped out of your comfort zone which is a great thing. Also, I’m sure all will be okay. Just don’t forget to put yourself first, however selfish that might sound. I don’t want you to get hurt :)xx

    • That was honestly one of the most lovely things I’ve ever read πŸ™‚ Thank you so much! I saw Jasmine and it was amazing; I’ll write a post about it soon! But thanks for just always being here πŸ™‚

  12. You shouldn’t overthink. You don’t want to hurt anyone and that’s okay, but that doesn’t mean you should be alone for next 10 years. You are young, Rapunzel is young. Everyone should move on with their life. If Jasmine makes you happy, if you two like clicked together then go for it. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You are free and you can do whatever you want. Taht probably sounded kinda hippy and unimaginable but that’s true. You are living your life and you deserve to be happy. And even if you end up hurt that’s just another experience you’d get. So my advice is- as long as you’re happy and comfortable with her, do it. πŸ˜‰
    Oh and you aren’t boring at all. Just relax and be yourself and you two will have great time πŸ™‚

    • Ahh you are so wonderful at making me feel better about the whole situation! πŸ™‚ Thank you; you’re right, I should allow myself to be happy and just live. I had such a wonderful time, and I WAS myself which was great! Thanks again for talking this through and being so lovely.

  13. Whoa, we’re in a really similar position right now, except I have yet to meet up with the person I’m talking to… I hope everything works out with you and Jasmine! Wishing you nothing but the best. (:

  14. I’m terrible at relationship advice, so I won’t even attempt it… What I will say is that no one should ever prevent you from “moving on”. That is your decision, and only you can know when the time is right. Some of my best friends are internet friends, and a lot of them I’ve never met in person. You should definitely be safe about it, and I’m a big believer in someone knowing where you are at all times just incase the horrible happens, but this girl sounds like an awesome person! You won’t be boring if you be yourself, and anyone who thinks you’re boring for being yourself isn’t worth having as a friend. I’ve felt awkward/boring before, especially on video calls, but in the end that’s what it’s came down too. Hope you have an amazing time, and I think it’s awesome that you’re brave enough to put this stuff out there! πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—

    • Thank you SO much for your support, Caitlyn!! πŸ™‚ It means the bloody world. I had an amazing day with Jasmine, it made my week to be honest. And yeah – no one can tell me WHEN to move on; it’s up to me. I just need to remember that, and be okay with it – which I’m starting to be.

  15. Well, as you said, you have unresolved feelings and Jasmine is in no place to have relationships, maybe, just start to get closer to her and then build that relationship to something you know. Just a suggestion. I’m not really good at relationships so yeah

  16. Go for it, Elm. You deserve to be happy. Heck, you want to move on, you MOVE ON. Don’t ever let your past hold you back. You don’t need to feel guilty for having fun and meeting new people! It’ll be fine πŸ™‚

    • Ohhh thank you so much! Yeah, you’re exactly right πŸ™‚ Eekk! I just had such a good time and I’m very happy.

  17. If you feel your doing the right thing then there has to be no stopping😊 .. To do something is our right, what happens next is up to fate .#positive vibes

    • YES for the positive vibes! πŸ™‚ Ahh, I always love your comments so much! Thanks; I HOPE I’m doing the right thing!

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