I Know Where I Stand

Woah. I need to have a sit down and just digest everything that happened today – because a lot of things happened, all of which I’m entirely happy with. In fact, the day went amazingly, so all the fear yesterday was for nothing.

If you haven’t read the post about Jasmine yet, read it before you read this post. Otherwise, things won’t make sense. Who knows – I’m so tired that maybe things in THIS post won’t make sense either!

I was a total wreck this morning. After thinking, last night, that she was somehow angry with me (a story involving her talking about some Paul guy, her catching onto the fact that I was jealous which wasn’t difficult and then us assuring each other that we made us smile), I woke up feeling even more nervous than I was yesterday. My friends kept messaging me (Wren ahem ahem), going “HALF AN HOUR LEFT!” I put makeup on, which prompted my mum to ask me if I was gay and if I was going on a date or something, and paced round the house, played piano and sang to pass the time. Checking my phone became a habit, as my legendary paranoia rose up to scream that maybe she wasn’t coming, or that she’d be late. She was about 10 minutes late, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t matter. All I did for the last 5 minutes before she arrived was breathe and rub my hands together like some crazed villain from a terrible action movie.

She arrived (I got a text saying that they’d pulled up in the. car outside) so me, being totally normal, ran downstairs and opened the door. I remember standing on the front step, the sun shining, trying not to panic because I was MEETING JASMINE. My mum was behind me, and as Jasmine and her foster mum came up, she said heyy. Then, Jasmine and I hugged and it was surreal as shit; I’ve only ever met one internet friend before and I felt like I was about to jump up and down (I kept it in luckily).

At first, we didn’t talk much. Both her foster mum and my mum were making conversation, with Jasmine and I sitting next to each other on the sofa. At one point I went to get some water with her in the kitchen, and standing in front of her felt so strange – hearing her voice next to me, too. Once her foster mum (who is so lovely, by the way) left and my mum went upstairs was when things really became less stilted.

Before we went out for lunch, we were in the living room. She was obsessed with the ornaments we had: model elephants, bells, stone hearts on the mantlepiece, cacti (four of them) and our 10 fish that were in a fish tank by the sofa we sat on. We honestly spent the time before lunch just going round the living room, finding all the stuff we had, with her exclaiming (AHHH that’s so cute!” on multiple occasions. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, there’s a picture of some shoes with butterflies on them on the wall, which I found out today. After that, we went out to the high street.

I was terrified that lunch was going to be a disaster. Fortunately, we went to an Italian place (so I had pasta in order to not look like a moron whilst eating), and I more or less told my mum that no, I’d rather she not eat with us. That was mostly so that Jasmine and I could be together and I could finally feel like I was free. I was worried that she’d make me feel like a baby (when we were walking to the restaurant, it wasn’t too bad, but I was very aware of Jasmine next to me).

Over lunch, she and I talked so much. I’m quite proud that I didn’t embarrass myself (i.e get food all over me, laugh weirdly or say something strange). It felt so. great to be doing something by MYSELF, because I felt like a regular sighted kid, just having lunch with a… Friend. We payed (or I did, having a slight awkward moment when I couldn’t find the plate to put the money on). It’s weird, because Jasmine picked up how to guide me incredibly quickly. We stepped outside in to the sunshine, walked down the street towards home and I felt wonderful because I was there with her.

After we got back, something changed. We went into the living room again, but this time we sat closer on the sofa. We were still examining the various things in. the living room – she looked outside and saw builders that were working on our neighbour’s house and we were laughing about that. I kept on wanting to sit nearer to her like a complete creep, and somehow, we ended up touching/holding hands on various occasions. My heart was beating fast and we got rather close physically, not actually doing anything.

Because I’m strange, and my head was in a jumble, I asked if she wanted to see my room. Before you get any ideas, NO, I didn’t mean it in that sense; I just wanted to migrate upstairs because the living room was getting boring. I was still extremely conscious of her near me as we walked into my room and sat down.

Okay, here’s where it gets to the part where timings get muddled. We sat very close to each other – starting off further away as per usual. To begin with, we were just holding hands and watching a few youtube videos whilst talking, but there was a point where she touched my hair where I thought, “God, this is getting serious, something’s gonna happen OHMYGODWHATAMIDOING?!”

According to her, there was something in my hair – perhaps a bit of fluff, but perhaps it was just. an excuse. All this time – for quite a while before that – my heart was beating erratically and I kept on turning my head towards her to see how close she was; every time she fiddled with my hair or touched my hand I was basically like an 11-year-old with a crush. You know that moment where you can feel your heart in your chest, and you’re breatheing and trying to not make it blatantly obvious that you WANT something to happen? It was cringey because I was SO weirdly obvious. When she told me I had something in my hair, she turned my face towards hers and we ended up kissing.

Whathe the hell – it seems like with every single person I’ve had a “thing” with, I ALWAYS forget how the first kiss happened. With Jasmine, it was just… There. Her lips on mine, and it was so different to my other experiences. Why? I don’t know.

There were many repeats of the kissing. That girl knows what she’s doing (that didn’t mean to sound so disturbing I’m SORRY!) and the thing is, I felt literally NO disgust towards myself. In between what one may term “periods of kissing”, we spoke loads (about her friend who’s having a baby, about life and we just laughed). She gave me these amazing sweets she got from Turkey that have basically been an inside joke between us, because she promised to leave at least one packet for me. She did a really cool thing to my hair, and just the normality of that shows that it’s not just all about the physical.

I won’t lie to you guys: it did go further than kissing. Not giving away all the details, but there were a few firsts for me. For once, I’m not judging myself or thinking I’m some awful human being, because you know what? I felt extremely comfortable, happy and not like things were moving too fast. I don’t know; a year ago I would have NEVER done this, but times change and all that matters is that I wasn’t feeling sick, or unwilling.

Can I just say – talking about this stuff, as in sexual stuff, is more than okay. You should talk about it, and have the confidence to ask questions; if anyone wants any advice and is too embarrassed to ask parents or friends, I’m here. Not that I’m an expert at ALL, but I know what it’s like to feel awkward about it.

On top of the laughter and happiness, there were a few serious conversations as well. At one point, I said, “Jasmine… You don’t want a relationship, right?”
“No. We’ve talked about this before!”
“I know, I know; I just don’t want you to feel like I’m fucking around with your emotions or anything.”
“I understand – and trust me, you’re not!”
So that was lovely. Also, my paranoia came up as I was terrified my mum would come in (she doesn’t exactly know I like both girls and guys), and we just sat together in comfortable silence.

She also had dinner with us, and afterwards, she had to get the train home. I felt rather sad when she left – we walked to the station, which included some very subtle innuendos that only we would understand that nearly made me burst out laughing. I didn’t feel too upset, as I know I’m seeing her again.

God, I’ve had a good day. I didn’t feel angry, awkward or worried (except about some paranoia and the whole relationship thing), and I know it’s not the end of us. Some days, you just need things to go right, and this was one of those days for me. It’s making me smile, just thinking about it.

Wow, I covered all I wanted to in one go! That’s an achievement for me; I thought I would get so tired that I wouldn’t be able to write it all out. I spoke to Jasmine just now – I actually prefer our conversations in real life because I know where I am with her then.

I hope you’ve all had a brilliant day. Thanks for all your support on, well, everything. You know I’m always here for you if shit goes wrong, or if you’ve just had a terrible day.

From Elm πŸ™‚

74 thoughts on “I Know Where I Stand

  1. GO ELM! This is so cute, I’m glad you’re happy. Possibly a relationship in the near future… You need to text me when you do. So I can go “Awww” a million times.

    *Hanna has died from an overload of sparkles*
    I will come back from the dead to deliver you this long message. Elm, this is freaking amazing. Actually, literally amazing. Even though I am what you might call an “anti-romantic” (my friends laugh because I cringe at kisses in movies… I’m sorry, but it’s true.), I squealed out loud when you said that you and Jasmine kissed. Like, actually squealed.
    And I may or may not have squealed some MORE when you said you actually felt okay about it! Along with, um, other stuff that you were okay with! I know what it’s like to have anxiety about stuff like this (no, I’ve never been kissed, by the way… I’m too ugly/never had the chance), but you confidently said you felt totally alright with it. And I’m super duper trooper proud of you for that :).
    I’m sooooo glad you had an amazing day. You deserved it <3.

    • I’m squealing EEEEE!!!! HANNA you fab person I love youuu πŸ™‚ Also SHUT UP, you are not ugly!!! Don’t feel like that! But seriously, thank you. I know about the anti-romantics; I used to be one (for some reason that changed how).
      I LOVE your comments because they’re always so in-depth and amazing and make me feel great about the situation! And yeah, I was entirely comfortable and happy. Ahhh it was such a good day!

  3. I’m so happy for you Elm!! And damn, Jasmine is pretty smooth it seems ahaha Yesterday I kept thinking, ‘I hope Elm’s meet up with Jasmine is going well’ so it was awesome to read this blog and see that it went even better than just well!! ❀

  4. this is like shipping something and then it becoming canon… i’m serious though, your blog is like a real life book, and it’s just getting to the good part!!!

    • OMG seriously, I’m smiling like a moron! πŸ™‚ Thank you! AHHH the fact that people shipped me I actually can’t omg thnk youu

  5. I was sitting there to myself screaming kiss kiss kiss on the inside like a ten year old. I’m so glad it went well for you and that your leap of faith was justified

    • Ahh thank you and trust me I was like a 10-year-old yesterday too; it’s all cool! And yeah – I’m very happy that I did something out of my “comfort zone”

      • No problem at all. Just saying Jasmine is a really smooth operator I can’t believe she made the something in your hair trick work.

      • Neither can I. I can kind of imagine why but I was literally like “OHMYGOD IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN!” I’m dying eek πŸ˜€

      • Obviously yeah. Well you have no friggin clue how happy I am that you’re happy.

  6. Awwww ELM! This is AMAZING! I
    Yayyy it went well! I’m so so happy! Here’s hoping that we’ll be hearing more of Jasmine?? πŸ˜‰ she sounds lovely really

  7. This post totally brightened up my day! You guys are soooooo CUTE!!!
    Me reading this post: Awww.. So cuteee…..Awwww… *squeal*… cuteee ….. *squeal
    I’m sooooo happy for you πŸ˜€

  8. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I am so happy for you right now omg, I feel like a proud mother πŸ˜‚ I’m so glad that your starting to be comfortable with yourself because that is so important. I don’t know what else to say other than congratulations and you deserve it so much πŸ’— xx

    • Ahh, thank you so much; that means the bloody world! πŸ™‚ You’re so lovely; you always have been. I’m just trying to view myself as positively as I can, because I want to take steps forward rather than leaps back.

    • EEEK THAT’s BASICALLY WHAT I WAS DOING!! AHHH I’m so happy and especially because of your amazing positive response! πŸ™‚

  9. Wow, I totally loved the style you used in writing this. It felt like I was reading a book.πŸ’• and congratulations!

  10. Elm!!! I’m so happy for you! Talk about a post which makes me want to cry happy tears! It’s so awesome! Congrats! You deserve it ❀️❀️

  11. (sorry this is so late) WOOOOOOOOH GO ELM!!!!! I’m literally fangirling inside, happy to hear you had a good time!!! ❀

  12. Seriously this whole post gave me a bucketload of “cuuuuute” feels. Sorry if it offended you somehow but that’s the truth.

    I’m really glad it worked out well for you and that both of you understand each other and where you stand. I’m really glad for you πŸ™‚

  13. Elm I’m SO happy for you that you had a great day! And don’t worry about ‘moving on too fast’ or things like that – the important thing is that both of you are comfortable with it and want it and that you’re happy πŸ™‚ Also reading this was like a cute (short) romance novel like omg you made me feel ALL THE FEELS

    • OMG I’M SO HAPPY! πŸ™‚ Thank you; I’m glad that you think it was cute. And yeah, it’s important that I was comfortable – and I was!

  14. Asdhfhsjandajsn is the closest I can get to what my head is trying to say right now . And yes I’m 100% stalking you because I’ve been away for ages and It seems like I missed a lot! πŸ˜‚β€οΈ xxx

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