In my time of blogging (I sound old what the hell; it’s only been a year and three months!), I like to look at my stats page to see how I’m getting on. We all do it, even if we say follower count doesn’t matter; it’s nice to find out how many views you got each day and that.
However, in the corner of the stats cave, you find a little section called “Search terms.” Most of them are unknown search terms, where you can’t tell what was searched that found your blog, but there are the rare few that you can see.
Most are okay. Most are just “justelm” or “just call me elm or something”, but there are some that are just… Really weird. Maybe THEY’RE not weird, in themselves, but the fact that people searched them up and found my blog? I wonder what kind of content I have that some of these would be relevant.
In something I’ve never done before, I’m going to “react” to them. The search terms will be in bold, with my comments below. Beware of either heavy sarcasm, all caps, or confusion. Here we go!
Just to say, Cait from PaperFury was the inspiration for this without me realising, because she does this sort of thing every month and they’re hilarious. If you don’t follow her already, do so because she’s one of my favourite book bloggers of ever.
(I don’t know when exactly these were searched up, but I can link them to some posts – I found them by filtering my stats by year. Also, I’m really sorry but there’s a fair bit of strong language in this post, for anyone easily offended).
People are always calling me ungrateful
If that’s the case, then tell them to piss off. Whoever searched this up, I doubt it’s true. Also, what post would that even be linked to – OH WAIT, I always call myself bad things on my blog. Bad Elm!
I hate you stupid bastard
Well damn. Someone’s pissed off. What’d the bastard ever do to you? Actually don’t answer that; I have a horrible feeling that they must have found this horrendous post from over a year ago. Okay, let me just cringe in a corner…
Miranda sings suck cock
What the FUCK???!!!! WHO searched this?! Do I want to know? No, no I don’t. I feel disturbed. Um, kids, sorry for the profanity? But seriously, how the literal hell did they find my blog through that I’m vaguely horrified.
When start my love life what call that day
Either the worst or best day of your life, depending on how you view love. Also, there isn’t a set day where you “start your love life”. Hey, it’s Wednesday today! Let’s go out and fall in love! Er, no. I know that I post about my so-called “love life”, so maybe THAT’s how they found me.
Best message for ungrateful stupid people
Not to call them ungrateful or stupid? Or maybe, “Go away, you don’t appreciate me so I see no reason why I have to return the favour.” Here with the ungrateful spiel again; I mean, if you look through some of my earlier, cringey posts, you can kind of see why the word ‘ungrateful’ linked to my blog. Oops.
Best talking ex bugger off
If you want your talking ex to bugger off, who is apparently the best, then just tell them! The sentence doesn’t even make sense, so who knows what this means? It could be that their ex is Called “Bugger Off”, and if that’s the case I feel sorry for them. We’ll never know the true meaning.
Who is get female best blind motivators
NOT ME! Seriously, not me; don’t look at me! What’s concerning is that they found ME through that. Me being the “best female blind motivator” is so horrifying that it makes me laugh. Hahahaha, me, a motivator? Psh.
But I love my something mars
I don’t even have a response to that. Who is your Mars? Do you mean the planet or the God of War (or the chocolate)? I love Mars Bars, mainly because I adore chocolate, but all I want to know is who your Mars is. Is that too much to ask?
Feelings of ash fucking
Please, please tell me that they don’t mean the tree. Because that’s gross. If they mean someone called Ash, I can’t think of them without thinking of my ex-best friend now drug addict bastard person Ash. And feelings of Ash fucking – do they mean what it would be like for the ash or for them? Ew I actually feel sick.
On that note, I’m going to leave it. I’m so confused as to how or why they’d search up those specific phrases… Who knows?
If I find any more weird search terms, I’ll let you know.
Have a look through your stats page. What’s the weirdest thing anyone’s ever searched that has linked to your blog?
From Elm 🙂