I routinely piss myself off on a daily basis, by calling myself several derogatory names and shrieking at my indecisiveness. However, finally, I think I’ve vaguely figured out what I want to do about my laughable “love life”. That consists of updating you, mostly.
My god it’s so hot, like 30 degrees, and I can’t think! Oh well; I’ve needed to write this for a while. It’s been building up, and I rather stupidly did nothing about it.
Jasmine is my first worry. Or rather, the first thing that I have to explain. If you don’t know who she is, then have a look at this post. Upon reading it, it seems perfect, but as with life, nothing is. Doesn’t THAT sound like a terrible ending to a story…
It’s not just hearts and flowers. In fact, it’s so far from that. You know that I’m still not judging myself for anything I did, because I was and am happy to do all that shit, but not right now. I don’t feel sick, which is great because for the first time, I wasn’t calling myself disgusting for nothing something I wanted to do. On the other hand, most of you know that I have quite bad paranoia issues, which I often refuse to make into anything serious because it really isn’t. Jasmine herself has a lot of issues, much worse than mine could ever be: paranoia, anger, and coupled with the way that I sometimes act, for this to carry on wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.
The main thing that tipped me off for attachment not being the best thing was that whenever I didn’t message her for a day, I felt awful. Guilty, pissed off with myself and paranoid that she hated me. Sometimes, she gets upset that people ignore her which is understandable, and one day – Thursday – she told me to leave her alone because she was having a bad day, and somebody who she “liked” had ignored her after an argument they had. Something snapped inside of me then, because as much as I respect her as a friend, I cannot be dealing with that, especially when I’m trying to figure myself out. Uncertainty is terrifying.
What I’m very nervous of is that she may get angry. Her behaviour can sometimes be described as erratic, not least because of some of the things she’s been through. I know it may seem out of the blue, but before, I didn’t mention it. Of course, I knew it was there, as it was pretty easy to spot, but to me it didn’t matter as we hadn’t done too much then. Now, if she acts in a bitter way towards me (I wouldn’t blame her), the likelihood is that I would just shut down, block her out and carry on with my life. Is that heartless?
I spoke to Wren about it, and though I’m still very conflicted and feel awful if I just ditch her, for me, it may be the best option. Yes, I feel like a user, but nothing can be done about that. I have to take the low road, rather than letting my emotions spike and having a repeat of the “you’re too clingy and won’t leave me alone” conversation I had with Ash well over a year ago. Jasmine is great, but there are downsides to every person. Who knows – I may regret this horribly. I won’t be giving her a hugely long paragraph to say goodbye, because the finality of that makes me want to cry, but I’ll just sidle away. God, how underhanded is that? No wonder my mind ran around in circles for the past week thinking about this.
I’ve given you a terrible explanation. To elaborate, as much as I wish I could spend days with her, that would lead to getting feelings that I couldn’t cope with. Perhaps being selfish is alright in this situation, as neither of us could have a relationship. There’s just much too much ‘baggage’, from both sides. Ordinarily, if I was in a relationship mindset, I would help her and support her, but I literally can’t: not when I’m trying to be myself. Now, I’m trying to ignore the screams inside my head that tell me that I should be a better person.
In terms of what I wanted at the beginning of the summer, I haven’t changed my mind much. Because I’m still scared of getting in too deep, I don’t want a relationship. I want freedom. When I go into sixth form, I need a new start, and over the summer I want to be able to have something very small, and have it not make me feel like a manipulating bitch. Unfortunately, I’ve learned with Jasmine that it’s easier said than done, and that I need to be careful about how I act and how I think about myself. Thinking about the other person is also very important, and how they feel.
I want something innocent, in a way. Not laiden down with mixed feelings and anger, or too serious physical contact, so that I can slow down for a bit. Once more, I don’t regret what happened with Jasmine because it was a very good experience, but still. Sometimes, you need to step back, and that’s okay.
Concentrating on friends is also what I need to prioritise. Yes, my happiness is important, but the love that fills my heart whenever I help a friend out or have 1 AM conversations is what I live for. Before I go on holiday, I want to at least meet up with a few RL friends. The internet friends can wait until after Results’ Day.
Speaking of internet friendships, yesterday I was extremely happy. As much as possible, I want to capture that feeling. Walking in the sunlight, sitting on a bench and chatting, and feeling like my heart was about to explode from grinning. If I can replicate that, it would make my day. All I want is to be happy, and I know that I can be that in Italy, Thailand, after the Results, and all throughout my holiday and my life if I try hard enough.
Though my love life isn’t what you’d call stable, I’m actually so happy with that. In life, I try to play things by ear, and to do things in a spontaneous way if I can. Love, or feelings, aren’t planned and so that needs to reflect in my attitude.
I have shitloads of hope for the future. Maybe I will call myself a horrible name, like a slag, on several occasions because I lean closer to someone, or I wonder what it would be like to kiss them before I shut those thoughts down. Maybe I’ll yell at myself every time I consider how it would feel to have someone’s arm around me in a romantic sense. I should stop calling myself that, because it’s human nature, and it’s alright as long as I don’t play with emotions.
Unlike how I felt at the start of the post, I really think I can do this. I’ll try not to get trapped in the cycle of feelings: I can just live however the hell I want to, bitches.
Err, sorry. I feel empowered, I suppose.
From Elm 🙂