The post title, and the general idea for this post, was inspired by the song of the same name, which you can listen to here.
I don’t like things coming to an end, but because it’s life, it inevitably ends up happening. In this post, I’m going to have to be extremely vague, as the whole “things ending” could actually apply to many situations I’m thinking of at the moment. My thoughts are a blur, both in my mind and probably on this screen, but making sense is overrated anyway. PAH, who needs it?
Sometimes, you miss someone so terribly that you don’t know what to do. When it’s multiple someones, the list piles up and it seems never ending. You miss them next to you, having their arm around you, and you wished you could have held their hand a little longer for the last time, even though you KNOW it can’t be the last time. You miss their warmth, the way they laughed, and how you could say things and have the person understand you before you even finished the sentence. The worst thing is, I have no idea who I’m talking about here, because as with many things: my thoughts could relate to many different people. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so.
Even though endings are a natural part of life, I’m still scared of them. I ALWAYS worry that I’m leaving something behind, that I’ll regret it terribly: regrets, though, are something I don’t often have. What if I didn’t let this person go? What if I did that, or didn’t do that? The thoughts that I’m a terrible person have rarely surfaced recently, apart from the occasional freakout where I ask myself what I’m doing.
I’m sitting here, tears in my eyes, thinking about all the different things that have happened. It’s not healthy to dwell on the past, but you do sometimes need it as a reminder. Yes, I have moved on from a lot of the pain, but some is still there, and some is so recent that it’s difficult to separate okay from not okay. Sadness from longing. Love from guilt. All of these contrasting emotions spin round and round, and the only place I can talk about them is here.
With every new day comes a new experience, says a cheesy quote from someone and somewhere undefinable. It’s true, though, and the experiences and days stretch backwards so that it gets confusing. I’m not making sense and I know it, but it’s dark and so my thoughts are becoming scattered.
I won’t let those experiences fade. Every smile, laugh, whisper, from how ever many people, will stay in my heart. Him, him, her and her; the past and the future and everything in between. I’m scared of it, but I have to let it stay with me. Memories are what makes up a person, after all.
As I’m me, I’m prone to missing many people. Some I miss so much that my heart aches, and I sit with the lights off and let a solitary tear slide down my face. My geart feels lonely, echoing with an emotion I can’t quite reach. Other people, I miss with a quiet certainty that I’ll see them again, someday, maybe when it’s raining or when the sun is shining. Who knows?
All I know is that there can be no such thing as a last goodbye. Saying that there’s a last of anything is too final, and has too much weight. I sang to myself this morning, and two weeks ago. I thought about things ending, and where I’d be when they were all gone. Jasmine, Rapunzel, and all the other people with who, when their arms were around me, I felt safe.
Always remember that there’s still another chance. Don’t second guess yourself, but in the same way, don’t throw things away. Let yourself live, like I’m trying to do, because it’s the only thing that’s solid. I may want so many things I can’t have, and I may scream at myself sometimes for what I do want, but I can’t help that.
I’m sorry that I’m being so vague. However, right now, my thoughts are tinged with a sadness that I can’t shake, because loads of people that I could have loved passed me by. Either by their fault, my own or just because of circustance, I lost that opportunity.
Still, I’m happy that I got experiences. I’m happy that I can now be free, and that I’m looking after myself more. When the self-hatred starts to take hold, I remember who I am, who you guys are, and how much I appreciate this blog.
I won’t let this be my final song, to anyone. There’s still time.
Do you guys often miss people, or is it just me? Even for our wish that they could be here, it’s better to realise that you CAN move on with your life, and that it’s okay.
From Elm 🙂