2 years of work, they said.
“You’ve done it!” they shouted, once the last question was finished; you sighed in relief and shook from the knowledge that you’d finished the most difficult exams you’d done so far. That last signing of your name, writing the letters slowly, felt like freedom. 23 of them, and for all your tears at the ones that didn’t go so well, you did it.
And then, you waited. The dread mounted, spiralling, only in the back of your mind; so many other things screamed at you to “Think about me! And me, what about me!” so that the fear only surfaced a few days before. That’s what happens when you block things out.
It’s Result’s Day tomorrow. TOMORROW.
Now I’m thinking about it, I wish I’d done more. If I’d revised so much more, worked harder, realised that my stupid problems were insigmificant, I could have put more effort in. They told me I did my best, that I couldn’t have done more – “You worked SO hard, Elm!” But do I believe them? Only in one corner of my mind.
After this, I’m changing my outlook. I’ll start preparing for A-Levels early, looking over everything after my classes, so that I KNOW where I stand with my work. I’d only wished I’d done that for GCSE.
I’ll try not to dwell on negatives. As much as I KNOW there’s nothing that I, nor anyone else, can do to change the results now, it doesn’t stop me from worrying. I know that I’ll be a nervous wreck tomorrow, crying or similar, before and after the results. For my own piece of mind, I’ll run through what may happen.
I’m planning to wake at 7, and have a shower to feel vaguely more human. Waking up early means that I can mentally prepare myself for the day. Results come in at 10 for our school, but because I live 45 minutes away, I’m leaving the house at 9:ae. #EarlyBird Yaaaaay, I’ll be in the car and totally freaking out! Sounds like fun…
Our school hasn’t told us much. We have to queue up outside (the hall?) and walk in, and get our results in an envelope. We open them, read them, and watch our lives shatter – err, I mean, act very calm about it all. Yeah.
My mum’s bringing me, and so she has to read the results out. I wish they could have it in Braille, but they only get them that morning so it’s not possible. God, I can’t stand that someone has to read them to me; I’d rather be by myself, able to break down if necessary. I’ll hear how well I did by her voice as she says the subject’s name, and I don’t want that. I want to read them on my own terms; they’re MY results. Wow, that makes me sound like a petulent child.
I have no idea when my friends are getting theirs. Some are on holiday – Wren, Cedar, a few others, but Red, Odd and Pine will all be there at some point throughout the day. Even if I’d love to see them, I don’t know if that’ll be possible; Pine invited me to a picnic, but I don’t think I’d be emotionally able to cope with that. That’s sad, because people who I wouldn’t usually speak to would be there.
Apparently, and in Red’s words, there’s a “piss-up party” that starts at 7:cj. With me being me, I don’t know if I want to go to it. I might as well, but I’m nervous, and what if people don’t want me there?! I’m not exactly the get drunk smoke and stay up until 2 AM type, though I may end up proving myself wrong. Not about the smoking, because I have a special dislike for cigarettes. I’d have to depend on Red to get me around, and I don’t want to make him do that.
Oh shit, it’s just sinking in that I’m GETTING MY RESULTS. I keep on having moments where I experience utter terror, where my blood feels like it’s freezing to ice in my veins, and I second guess everything I’ve thought about how well I did.
Because really, I don’t think I did as well as I could have. Yes, I may say that a lot, but with uncertainty creefing like in a persistent fog, I’m becoming more and more sure that I never took those exams seriously. I’ve had several nightmares where I’ve failed one exam or another, the worst one being where I dreampt that I got a D in my Maths exam. Hopefully, I’ll do alright, and prove to myself that I can actually do something. Positive attitude, Elm! POSITIVITY!
My friends tell me that I’ll do great – you all have – and I’ll try and have faith in you. It’s the least I can do, to stay as optimistic as I can.
They are just insignificant letters, on one piece of paper. I’m just one student among hundreds of thousands. GCSEs aren’t important when you think about it; A-Levels are the ones that truly matter. That doesn’t stop me from worrying, clenching my hands into fists, and trawling through Twitter to find out if everyone else is terrified, too.
Good luck, guys. For all my negativity, I just want to tell you one thing.
Stay positive, as much as you can. We haven’t got long to go, until we know and until the wait is over. You have so many people around you that understand, that are JUST as scared as you are.
Last year, some of my blogging friends were getting their results. I fully understand what they were going through, how they felt when they wrote their posts about their fear.
You are going to do amazingly. I say that, no matter what result you get, because the fact that you got through those exams in the first place shows your strength. There are ALWAYS alternative pathways if you didn’t get what you wanted, but once you get those results, DO NOT beat yourself up.
It’s okay. People are always going to support you, because we know what it’s like.
I could have spent this entire post encouraging you, telling you all of these things, but that seems fake to me. I needed to show the raw, terrified side of me, because it’s part of who I am. You needed to know that you’re not alone, that every single person is allowed to show these emotions.
I’ll be making a few calls on Results Day, perhaps to some Internet friends too. If you want to skype that day, just let me know; if you need to talk about how you feel after getting them, I’m here.
We’ll be alright.
From Elm 🙂