Little Elm was the Worst Child Ever

I am so incredibly glad that none of you who read this blog – save for one person – knew me when I was little. If you did… You’d be shocked at the change.

Last night, I stayed over at my friend Poppy’s house – it wasn’t planned, because I was at the party of a family friend who I really dislike which was hosted at Poppy’s and I fell asleep. This morning, whilst feeling absolutely gross because I had no change of clothes and no toothbrush, Poppy started talking about how I was when I was a kid.

Oh, God. Because Poppy’s known me for all of her life (she’s one year younger than me), she remembers some pretty horrendous stuff. Put it this way, I wouldn’t be associated with my younger self if I could help it.

Sadly, I can’t, so what I try and do is point out how truly fucked up I was, JUST to make it clear to you that I have changed, I am a completely different person… Or I bloody hope I am.

Even though I WILL regret doing this, I’m going to share with you a list of shit that I did, or how I acted, when I was… Below the age of 10. After that, I got more bearable, though I only started acting in the way I act now a year and a half ago. As in, being kind to people, trying not to argue, helping people etc.

Oh dear what am I doing? This is HORRIFIC!

1. When I was in year 3, so when I was 7, my friend Ivy offended me somehow. I was a violent child back then, so I shoved her, but I couldn’t see the stinging nettles that she then fell into. I’m SO sorry about that!

2. There’s a video of 8-year-old me singing Miracles, up on youtube, in Poppy and Rose’s bathroom. I sounded like a fly and it was the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

3. Up to when I was 5, when I got pissed off, I dived into the doorway between the kitchen and living room (there isn’t an actual door there). I then proceeded to kick my legs and shriek, and when people ignored me, I cried insanely. I mean I was 5 when that stopped – even if my sister says it was later, but that’s bullshit.

4. All throughout my childhood, I used to go to Poppy and Rose’s, pretty much every weekend. I slept over, and woke up at 6 o’clock in the bloody morning. Most often, I woke Poppy up in the process, and we played this game where we created an imaginary world. I was hyperactive and completely weird, so I acted as the characters in that world OH GOD THIS IS MORTIFYING. Turns out that Poppy was just pretending to be playing, and she was actually trying to sleep because 6-year-old Elm WOULD NOT leave her alone. I even pissed off their mother on several occasions by going downstairs, or talking too loudly. Aaaahhh!!

5. This is the worst one by far. Quick family history: my mum comes from a country in Asia, and our extremely distant relatives were part of a tribe (I don’t know how to spell the name). So… I must have been 8 at this point, or 9, and I decided to try and act as if I was part of it because I thought it was cool or it made me interesting?! Now I think on it, it was kind of racist… WOW. I spoke in this screwed up language that I made up, and tried to… CURSE Poppy and Rose’s brother, or even those two when I got pissed off with them. I sat on the stairs and mumbled in this strange language and when Poppy brought it up this morning, I started yelling “OHMYGOD stop we do not talk about that ever!” because I’m sorry, but what kind of kid pretends that they are part of a tribe which they know nothing about?

6. When I was 6, so when I was in year 2, this girl who I didn’t really like fell over. At that time, I was kind of neutral towards her because she didn’t treat me like I was stupid yet, but when she fell over I laughed. I LAUGHED. Yes, I think it was because I didn’t know what else to do, but still! I feel so bad now.

7. Until I was 9, I had no real technology: no computer, no phone, no Nintendo or whatever, so I used to listen to CDs. I sat in my little chair in the kitchen (which we still have) and listened to stories, which is most likely why I went into secondary school with a horrifyingly pretentious vocabulary. The embarrassing part is that I used to sometimes listen to it when my FRIENDS were round, which is so antisocial and I feel very bad for them now.

8. I had a friend in primary school called Harrison. We always used to hold hands, because that’s how people guided me when I was 8. We were walking down to Church (because our school was a Church of England school, says the Atheist) and one of the teaching assistants says, “Elm, should you really be holding Harrison’s hand? People might think you were boyfriend and girlfriend!” I screamed so loudly that people probably stared at me, dropped his hand and TRIED to run away. And failed.

9. In year 6, I took it upon myself to think that I fancied all the boys. I had a crush every week, except it wasn’t because I was 10. One day, our teachers sat us down in a circle and said they needed to talk about something. That something was “fancying”, and how we were a bit too young to be thinking about that. Narcissistically, I thought they were talking about me so I got terrified. Obviously they weren’t, but still; I was under the impression that I had crushes on all of these guys. Awww!

I think I’ve gone so red that I look like a traffic light. I actually can’t believe I did all that stuff.

I think I’m going to sob in a corner. There are more stories, but I can’t think of them off the top of my head.

Do you have any really weird things you did as a child? Please tell me I’m not alone!

From Elm πŸ™‚

79 thoughts on “Little Elm was the Worst Child Ever

  1. Oh my gosh this is so funny! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    In year 3 I set off the fire alarm, and the TEACHER lied for me and said I accidentally hit it with my elbow.

    I still have no idea what made me do it, I think me and my friend were playing the stupid game of: “lets press this and see what happens”

    • Oh God I’m laughing so hard! That’s brilliant πŸ™‚ I’m so glad you liked the post!
      The amount of times that people set off fire alarms in my school was insane. Teachers never lied for them though haha

    • Haha true, but when your friends are talking about you and you as a kid, as kind of realise how much you’ve changed and just cringe! πŸ˜€

  2. When I was little my brother didn’t talk and he had to have a speech therapist and a teacher to teach him sign language, but he still would talk till the age of 4 or 5. At that time I was 5 or 6 and I “talked” for my brother. I would go over to him and say ,”hmmm okay if you want!” Then I would tell my grandparents that my brother wants to give me his cookie or that he wants to give me his toys. I was evil.

    I loved reading these stories they are funny xD

  3. Hahaha I loved this! I don’t like my younger self either. I cut a lady’s hair in her sleep because I didn’t LIKE her…after that I threatened everyone to be nice or I would cut their hair too!

  4. I used to grab onto my mum’s leg when around other people, and refuse to let go. I also used to piss of my friends’ parents by ringing their landlines at, like, 8am on a Sunday πŸ˜‚

  5. i’m dying πŸ˜‚
    when i was in about second or third grade, i let a bunch of girls convince me we were siblings and “vampires”. and “werewolves”. AND I BELIEVED IN THIS SHIT. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVED IN IT. the whole thing was so incredibly stupid. i wrote it down in my old journal and i was rereading it whilst dying because god. the whole thing was mortifying from my point of view now.

  6. This post made me laugh till I pissed my pants. I remember that I used to be the organised kid so even in nursery if everyone makes a mess I’ll clean it up after school. And my mum says that I used to steal my brothers milk bottle. I used to open my mouth for 2 things only – CRY SO LOUD MY NEIGHBOURS COMPLAINT TO MY MUM AND EAT A LOT!

  7. I don’t really have much that I can remember (I have repressed by shitty childhood) but like tween leo was the grossest thing. when I was in year eight i was obsessed with sherlock and dan and phil (and most of youtube) and emo bands but i was SO CRINGY like i look back on photos and its the WORST !!!

  8. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ this is so funny Elm. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who did incredibly wierd and funny stuff as a child. I remember when I was about 8 years old my family threw a party to welcome my aunt from abroad. The gave my cousins and I cute slices of pineapples. I ended up biting anyone who touched me because the pineapples were making my tongue itch. Thinking about it always makes me want to brush my teeth. Lol

  9. I enjoyed this post so much, it made me laugh so much! I hate it when my family tell my friends or family friends about the stuff I did when I was younger, it’s so embarrassing!

    Much Love R x

  10. Part of me is really shocked but a part of me laughing. This is kinda hilarious! Don’t worry about that Elm. We all had that phase like me! I throw all my stuff in my classroom back in grade school and I got reprimanded, haha

  11. haha these are funny XD I remember once going round to my friend’s house and we decided to call a random number on the home phone and this strict business-like man answered and we started randomly talking to him and then he got annoyed and my friend’s mum found out and took the phone off us and apologised to him XD

  12. OH Lil’ Elm sounds like suuuch a good kid (lols, soz). But these were hilarious and don’t worry, I laugh at ANYONE who falls over…my friends, strangers ANYONE I tell ya XD.
    I remember this story…I was in 5th grade when there was this girl i really didn’t like and me and my best friend were sending mean notes about her to each other during class. Some kid intercepted one of our notes (it was the WORST one and I had written it) and saw it and reported it to the teacher. She called me to her desk, i proceeded to cry and apologized to the girl. BUT I was too ashamed to go back so I left school and (with my parents) settled in another city (where I live now) XD

  13. tbh i think the teaching assistant was a bit harsh, considering that you kinda needed to hold his hand ahaa
    this is really funny xD I once stole this doll from this girl who was a family friend (about 4/5 years younger than me, i was 8 and she was like 4 or 3 xD) because i liked the look of it. pls do not ever tell them bcoz to this day they dont know
    i also used to pretend i had crushes that i didnt have because everyone else was doing it (i was also about 8) and they were really pressuring me.. they then went up to this boy who i didnt have a crush on and told him i had a crush on him.
    I was really horrible once to this girl who was actually my friend because she was leaving the school and I didn’t want that so i went on the school moodle and said “whos sad about {…] leaving im not because shes hardly in anyway” the teacher then proceeded to show the entire class what id said and i was left feeling guilty and humiliated

  14. I was a terrible and incredibly cringy child AGH! Yours do seem like pretty typical child things though.

    Also, funny story: when my friend used to have pots of jelly she’d make a little hole in the middle for her imaginary dolphin friend and pretend it was swimming in the pot πŸ˜‚

    Honestly, I was a terrible child too. I thought I knew everything, and that I was better than everyone else, and I was INCREDIBLY clingy. And probably rude. Oh well, we are better people now. XD

  16. I literally used to be the most evil creature/toddler, just by accident!
    Before I was even 2 years old, I managed to lock my mum and I inside the house (5mins before we needed to be somewhere!) and hid all of the other house keys under the fleece in my buggy! My mum was panicking, trying to find the keys until 2 hours later when she finally asked me and I showed her where they were.
    I also used to hide the clothes-peg bag, turn all the ornaments upside down and sabotage any family games of table tennis that I could successfully reach! XD

  17. Ha! Ha! You aren’t the only one Elm! In year 4, I thought it would be quite funny to copy everything my friend was doing. Eventually, the teacher spotted what I was doing and she gave me a whole lecture in front of all of my classmates about how being independent and not copying anyone else was important. To be honest, it was very embarrassing so I definitely understand how you feel! Btw I’m new to the blogosphere!

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