On certain days, I realise just how not okay I am.
It’s nothing I can pinpoint: no specific reason. Nothing bad has happened. But on days like today, I feel sick and lost and so alone, despite having the best real life and blogging friends that anyone could ask for. Is that selfish? I hope not.
Weaving my thoughts into words is more difficult than I think. I was reading a book earlier, and loving it, but then my heart started feeling hollow, my eyes watered and I sat there, unable to feel engaged with anything. Even now, I’m just that tiny bit separated from my thoughts, trying hard to explain them to you because I know it will help.
This happened last night, too. I felt my heart beating in my chest, my throat and wrists feeling cold and weak. Tears just behind the space behind my eyes, when I didn’t even notice them before until I felt that freezing pressure. Why?
Yesterday, I made the first steps to cutting someone toxic out of my life – my ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend. I have no ties to her, and Aspen – my ex-boyfriend – told me so, and that it was totally okay to tell her that I couldn’t help her out because I felt so shitty. She’s never cared about what I had to say, and talking to her always drains my energy. The truth is that I can’t stand her, that I’ve known her a year and yet she doesn’t know me at all, and that whenever she calls I get tired. Aspen knew I felt horribly guilty, as I told him that I couldn’t do it any more and that all I wanted to do was snap at her and tell her to fuck off. It helped, and I didn’t scream at her even if I wanted to. It made me feel like a good person, beneath all that anger and sadness and poisonous misery.
I distract myself, with books and music and friends, so that it receeds. It feels more bearable, when I feel as if I have my shit together. Then, the heaviness returns and I feel as if I’m just existing, as if the slightest thread is holding me together and I don’t understand why I feel so empty. I’m just having a bad day, after all.
Whenever I feel like this, I tell myself it’s stupid, and that I have no right to feel like this. Even though I know that’s wrong, I use it as a way to get back up again, smashing my way through life and then not understanding why I feel so empty. I’m making it sound as if I have something genuinely wrong with me when I don’t; I’m just another person who’s rambling their thoughts onto a screen.
I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I haven’t done my English homework, being so stressed over the holidays because I didn’t know HOW to do it that now, it’s so late. I feel like my work ethic’s crumbling around me, all of the careful plans I have shattering because I feel so negative the DAY before school. Does that set up how it’ll be for the rest of the year, or can I snap out of it? Do I want to?
Tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday I’ll be totally fine, asking myself why I even posted about this in the first place. At some point, though, this feeling will return, and I’m scared that it will in the middle of revising or working, or when I’m out with friends. The choking feeling that you’re doing everything wrong, that if you tried harder at something then you could just do it without feeling so listless.
I wish that I knew what I wanted. I wish that I was more productive and happier, that I could harness the spark of life I had when revising for GCSEs. That was when I could do something, when my hard work payed off, rather than today where I feel like if I tried to work, it would drag me down. Ugh.
People’s opinions shouldn’t matter to me, and I’m so scared that some people will hate me because of a decision I want to make. Which I can’t even talk about on my blog because people read it from real life, when all I want to do is shout it out and not lock myself into a loop of never doing what I truly want.
I’m so sorry about posting all this. I know it doesn’t make any sense, because my thoughts are so jumbled that wading through them is like stumbling through a maze. And when I’m going through it, I’m totally blind as opposed to having the shit amount of sight I have.
Wishing gets you nowhere, unless you do something about it. So I will, starting with how awful I feel, because I’m staring out of the window and seeing nothing and I’m drawing parallels with my life. That’s sad.
Sort yourself out, Elm. You CAN, because what’s stopping you? On days where I feel good, I’ll make the most of it and work until most days turn into ALL days. Posting this has helped me, because I’ve finally sorted out one tiny section of the wreck that is my mind at the moment.
There’s no use in feeling trapped because the whole world’s ahead of me.
I’ll just try and believe that. Once I do, I’ll be okay.
From Elm :*