Silver, but Never Gold

Firstly, I’m actually happy to say that this isn’t one of my give-me-pity posts. I realised something about me today and I want to share it, in the hopes that you understand a little more of how I work. It bothers me, but I’m not altogether upset.

In a deep corner of my mind, I have convinced myself that I’m never ‘first’ for anyone. I’ve mentioned it sometimes before on my blog, a fleeting comment, but today was the day where I accepted that it’s how I think and no common sense can get rid of it.

Perhaps I’m not making sense. I constantly get the paranoia that my friends – or anyone around me for that matter – always have somebody better to talk to, someone who they’ll always need more. It’s not because my friends’ actions hint at it – they are amazing people and let me feel accepted – it’s just a horrible feeling I can’t shake, even when a little part of me knows it’s not true.

I tell myself I’m not good enough, that I’m altogether worthless because at the end of the day, people wouldn’t come to ME for help. There would always be another person, someone better, more reliable – god, this all sounded more fluid and better in my head. I suppose that’s how things are, though; in your mind it all flows, but down in words it’s jagged lines and half-formed sentences.

Jealousy creeps, like a mist. You don’t realise the volume of it until it engulfs you, and when it receeds you feel dirty and like you’re something wrong. I can’t exactly pinpoint where it stems from – an ofhand comment from a friend, something I’m not invited to even though there’d be no chance of me going anyway. Just… Something tiny.

People don’t even realise that I feel like this; that’s the worst part. I’m not secure: in how I feel about myself, how I think others see me, and the sooner I understand that the better. I hate to be all introspective and melancholic, but I can’t help the sheer fact that I feel like I’d never be someone’s first choice.

I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty. To quote a clichΓ© phrase – it’s not you, it’s me. Even by posting this, I might make people I know tread on glass around me, always worried that I’d snap and think I was nothing to them. It might cause them to treat me differently, force them to pay more attention – but I don’t want that. I jwant people to understand and not think of me as fragile.

I almost think it’s pathetic: a friend talking about how close they are with one of my close friends doesn’t make me sad – it makes me jealous and dislike myself, because I think I can never have that friendship with that person because I’m NOT FIRST. Often, it doesn’t phase me; I’m fine with just being a person because I know that people care and love me. But sometimes, I let it bother me, and I go through all the friends I have and ask myself who’s better friends with them, why said friends wouldn’t go to me, all the reasons calculated in my head. It’s destructive, and makes me feel so lonely that I could choke, but I can’t stop. Rather than anger, it’s a twisted form of comparison.

Pushing myself into the background, because I’m possessive and if I trust someone completely, I’m too terrified of being replaced and getting creepy or being too THERE. Not that that’s ever stopped me – the list of people I trust is long – but it means that at the fear of a break of trust, I wonder who they’d go to. Not me – someone else, and that thought makes me irrationally sad. I told you I was a tad possessive with my friends… Tis not good.

Do I really matter? I’m contemplating that question now, calm saturating my mind, wondering why such sadness builds up in me when I hear about a friend trusting someone with something before me. Or just… Not telling me something, and making it very clear they aren’t going to. Either because they don’t trust me, or I’m just the step below a bronze medal to them. That hurts, but luckily I’ve come to accept that people have different opinions of me.

You see, I’m honestly not upset. It might seem like it, because I was earlier, but now it’s more of a bleak thought. If I was first for everyone, I’d consider it selfish and purposefully shove myself away. I’d be so overelmed that I’d start to shut myself off even more than I already have. I’m open, yes, but the tangled sprawl that is occasionally my mind isn’t shown to anyone, least of all me.

It’s doubtful that, if people told me I was the first person they’d go to, I’d believe them. I’d either think that they were trying to make me feel better, or they’d read this post and were trying to make me feel better. More times than not, I WON’t be the first; I’ll just be the second or the third, or even an afterthought. I’ve pretended to trust so many people at the cost of my own health that I know exactly what it’s like to do that. I trust my friends, all of my close ones, and so I know that they’d come to me if something was seriously wrong. It just takes a long time for me to properly believe that, because I find it difficult to trust about the big things.

Fuck, this post turned out more sad than I intended. Other people seeing you sad is one thing, but feeling yourself fill up and then drain of it is another. It leaves you with a gaping emptiness that is then filled with the trust I so want.

What I need to know is that people are there for me, in whatever capacity – gold, silver, bronze, or just a certificate. I feel like I’ll never be gold, that I fall short of that mark always, and the true extent of how much I believe that hit me today. This morning, I was sad, bitter, resigned and then finally, I remembered that as long as I was there for people, I’d feel more okay with myself. If I was there for them, I could help them and that’s what makes me smile.

I’m happy with being silver.

From Elm πŸ™‚

47 thoughts on “Silver, but Never Gold

  1. I absolutely loved this post because I feel like I can relate to it a lot! Just remember you are always worthy and no one, not even close friends, can take that away from you! x

    • I really, really hope so – and you remember that, too. There’s always someone to help us out πŸ™‚ Thanks for the comment, and showing me I’m not alone.

  2. i can really relate to this a lot, elm. ever since i started high school ive always kind of been ditched by people, which meant i had to go around trying to get people to accept me into their friendship groups. it hasnt happened so much recently, but through year 7,8, and 9 it was really hard for me to actually feel like i was worth anything, because everyone had their best friends and then there was me, scraping in trying to get friends, and maybe that was one of the key reasons i started to self harm.

    tbh i could write a whole page response to this but yeah, i know how you feel xxx

    • It means a lot that you understand, and I can tell you do. We feel like this because of different circumstances, but they produced the same feelings: like we’re second. If you ever need to talk about it, roll out the past, I’m here. Thanks for commenting xxx

  3. I can relate to this. I don’t think that I will ever be first in anything or for anyone. But that’s ok. I don’t think that I can trust anyone enough to ever be the one they would come to. But I know that I am never alone and so are you because we have the beautiful blogosphere we can turn to

    • Precisely. That’s exactly it – you fully understand. It’s not that we’re hiding behind the thought of being second, hoping people will prove us wrong: for me, it’s KNOWING I’m second and being okay with it. I can tell it’s like that for you, too. I love the Blogosphere more than I can say; everyone is brilliant.

  4. its not just you tho:)))i think lots of people ar elike thisin their heads, cos i think a lot of people (not in a mean way, in a nice way, and im included in this ‘lot of us’) are skilled phd doctors in self-mindfuckery lol!!!xxbyeee

      • aww, TYSM<33yes, we all think were soo different, but everyone is much more siilar than we let on, ewxcept bloggers are usually more honest on blogs, so like we realise how similar we are:)you get what i mean cos im not sure it makes sense know i've typed it:)

  5. From a person who mostly does the talking (and almost none of the listening, lol), perhaps I can give you some perspectives from the other side. For me, no one will ever be the first for everything — I talk to different people about different things because they have different experiences, and it’s just first instinct for me to find the one that understands what I want to talk about at the time the most. It’s impossible to talk to one person about everything because he or she wouldn’t understand every single thing going on in my mind. I guess there’s also a bit of the “don’t place all the eggs in one basket” notion going on. And sometimes there just isn’t a first for who I trust the most, it’s use a matter of the time that’s convenient to tell people what’s on my mind.
    These are some aspects that you didn’t mention but hopefully helpful just in case the issue comes up and bothers you in the future. πŸ™‚

    • Honestly that did help πŸ™‚ It’s nice to hear it from the other side. I suppose what bothers me is that I feel like I’m not first for ANYTHING – so I’d never be first for everything, but I’m not even first for one thing. But saying that, I know what you mean; I feel similarly. Thanks for your comment πŸ™‚

  6. I can so relate to this. This way of thinking is so me like I was shaking my head in disbelief as I read this. I don’t even know who I consider as “gold” as you say it. I’ll be honest this is a time of confusion in my life because of not knowing where I stand and stuff.

    • Yeah, I get you. I’m pretty much the same; I’m confused about how I feel about people, how THEY feel about me, all of that. I’m glad that you could relate to this though that I’m not alone

  7. Damn! I thought I was the only one with this particular insecurity, but then you post this and I see so many people say they can relate to it. Well-written, as always and thank you for writing this, really.

    • And thank you for showing me, always, that I’m not the only one. I’m glad that you liked this; if I can help at least one person, it makes me happy.

  8. Eh. It’s in human nature to be competitive. It’s natural . Nearly everyone wants to be first (not everyone though) because it’s in there genes to do so. But everyone can’t be first in everything can they? (That’s a rhetorical question,reader, don’t you dare answer that) If you aren’t first, accept it and move on. This post also inspired me to write my own post about this topic

  9. I totally relate to this. I feel like my friends have someone better to engage with and sometimes, their actions hint at it but I think it’s a feeling. I don’t know. Although they have someone better to engage with, I just accepted the fact that someone’s better than me. I may be silver, you may be silver but we’re as precious as gold too! πŸ™‚

    • Jerrod, you are wonderful, I’m telling you now. Thank you SO much for that encouragement – I’m glad that you relate, and that you understand. It means a lot! πŸ™‚

  10. I relate to this on a spiritual level, but I’ve never been able to put it into words so thank you 😊 i’m still working on accpepting myself for being ‘silver’ but i’ll get there one day

    • I’m glad of that – and I’m sure you will. It takes a while πŸ™‚ And silver is as precious as gold, as my friends have pointed out.

  11. I actually get exactly what you’re saying here; I feel similarly a lot of the time. It’s like I don’t quite see what, or if anything, makes me stand out from a group of friends, why someone would pick me to talk to, whether that be generally or when they have an issue. Great post πŸ™‚

  12. Girl first of all, I want to tell you that you’re GOLD! I post outfits and you like them even though you don’t see them. That tells me you have a golden heart. And I also get it. It really does suck to not be a first or even a choice at all. This post was very reflecting, you write exactly what I’m thinking and feeling. Thank you for writing this! You are not alone Elm and neither am I.

  13. Ok first of all, it is amazing that you were able to put a feeling like that into words as well as you did because that is NOT easy to do! And second of all, you are absolutely positively gold! It doesn’t matter if you’re the first person your friends would go to or even the absolute last resort! As long as you’re there for them, and you know they’d be there for you, that’s all that matters. And even if that’s not how it is, you’re gold because you are who you are, and you’re not afraid to show it in writing like this! Being gold, or silver, or anything else isn’t determined by friendships, or trust, or anybody but yourself. If you can be yourself, then you will be golden to the people who really care! Maybe that sounded kind of rantish, so if it did I really didn’t mean it that way… I think your post is beautiful, and I’m glad you were able to embrace that feeling because in doing so you embraced yourself! πŸ€—

    • Right now, you are literally my favourite person ever. THANK YOU! I know you’re right – it’ll just take me a while to believe it. What you are isn’t determined by friendships, and even if I might not mean as much to them as I thought, I can still be gold to myself. It wasn’t rantish, don’t worry: It’s just what I needed xx

  14. Elm, I feel the same way. A lot. And sometimes I really let it bother me. And then I text Nikki and she basically yells at me with text-hugs because I’m wrong, and I do matter. I’m the type of person who has a few BEST best friends, and everyone else I’ll socialize with, but I won’t get invited to their parties or anything. And that’s fine with me, because I have the most amazing relationships with those people, and I’m just one or two people’s gold. And that’s enough, because there can only be one gold.
    But Elm, you just have to remember- not everything is your specialty. Sometimes when I’m really upset about something that happened at school, I’ll talk to one friend, because she goes to the same school as I do. But when I’m upset about thinking about my future, I’ll talk to another, because she’s in the same boat as I am. And I talk to Nikki about basically anything related to books, or when I just need a hug. You are someone’s gold, I guarantee you that. I know it. Because you’re too special and too amazing not to be. If it makes you feel any better, you’re my blogging gold. XD

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