Honestly, the post title sums up what I want to do with my life in 5 words. That’d be sad, if it wasn’t REALLY true. Do you want to make lots of money? NAHH, I want to make friends and help people! Wooo! (I’m tired)
Today was a good day, in the end. I thought it would be a bit like yesterday but it was so far from that that it made me smile.
Our school does this thing called a Peer Mentoring program, where older students – years 10 and 12 – help younger students. That can be with anything: school problems, home problems, or any worries they have. I signed up for it, writing out my HONEST feelings in my application form: this was about two weeks ago. I remember sitting there, telling my dad the words he should write, just trying to get the phrasing right. Applying was so important to me as I want to show younger people that they DO have someone to turn to, because the prospect of talking to teachers scared me then so I know it would scare them, too. I want to be someone they can trust, to give them confidence enough to speak up about what’s bothering them. Everyone deserv es to be able to be helped, no matter the scale of the problem or the help: telling people that you WILL listen to them would have done me so much good before.
For some screwed up reason, I got in. I’m slightly confused at the selection process, because one of my best friends didn’t get in when they REALLY should have. They’re wonderful at advice and listening to you, and I’m sad they’re not doing this with me. But I’m really happy and grateful that I got in, because I know this will not only help other people, but it’ll help me: if I make a difference to someone, it gives me the happiness to go and achieve so much more. It’s mostly, though, so I can listen to people when they want, and need, to talk.
At form (20 minutes after lunch – I’m giving too much away about my school life), we had a meeting for the mentors. I sat next to Oak – a friend of mine – and another girl. I haven’t given her a name yet, but she’s someone who joined our sixth form this year and has recently moved to England from another country. She’s lovely, and I think I properly made friends with her today: we’d exchanged words before, laughed together and talked about our lives, but it was before the teacher started speaking that I had the best conversation I’ve had all week. We spoke about how much we were looking forward to Peer Mentoring, happiness, being passionate about subjects, the education system in the country she used to live in and so much more. The conversation flowed easily, and I didn’t feel stupid: I felt like my opinions and thoughts were valid, which was further emphasised by the fact that I’d got into a program where my thoughts will be valid and helpful to at least someone.
After the meeting was finished, I had to go to English. I was kind of nervous, not knowing exactly where to go, and that situation made me another “friend”. A girl in my English class only comes to this school for English – she’s at another Sixth Form for her other subjects. I hadn’t spoken to her at all before, though I knew of her; she overheard me talking about the room and said: “Hey, I’m in your class!” The shock and slight embarrassment on my face was probably hilarious.
We walked together to our lesson, me holding her arm because again, I didn’t know where I was going exactly. That made her recount how she used to link arms with her friends and walk down the street. After that, like with the previous girl, we talked non-stop and easily. Chatting about primary school, making bee puns, her not getting the amazing bee pun I made (“Honestly, you’ve let yourself down, your school down and your country down!”) and laughing hysterically. I have never, and I mean NEVER, been able to talk so freely and comfortably with someone I didn’t know before. It’s mostly because I’m an antisocial caterpillar, but I’m slowly growing the shreds of wings.
Though I’m not separated from my Elm persona, I feel like it’s slowly coming to the fore in real life situations. That’s good: I’m displaying the “real me”. I have always had different aspects to myself which I show to different people, but it boils down to this: at my core, my heart, I’m just a person who wants to help other people. You’ve seen that in my posts, and in the advice I try and give to other people (here’s the part where I realise my advice is TERRIBLE, dinn’t tell anyone!).
I’m not hiding my so-called “inner tree”. The person I really am is someone who wants to be friendly with people, laugh freely – not be POPULAR, but I want to get the confidence to exchange words with people without ducking my head down or wondering if they think I look like a moron or if I speak too strangely. Today taught me that I’m really not as incapable at social interaction as I thought: it brings me so much happiness, so that I want to keep on talking to people. I’m glad I’ve got to the point where I can properly admit that I want to help people, talk to people and show them and myself who I am.
Maybe I won’t be able to do this in the classroom yet, still used to people thinking of me as having a teaching assistant sitting next to me, but I’ll get there. Peer Mentoring is going to make it worth it, so that when I talk to people, I can hold my head up and say: “Yes, you can trust me.”
From Elm 🙂