I’ve been in a constant state of paranoia all day. Heart pumping, eyes staring into nothing, limbs feeling cold, and my head running through all of the worst possibilities. It all stems from something that happened yesterday, which I wish I could talk about, but that’s what comes with showing your blog to people who know you in real life. Luckily, I’m not bitter about THAT.
I thought, to make me feel better and to clear my head from some of these screaming thoughts, I’d write it down. How I feel, my worries, how my mindset was pinging back and forth all day – as much as I can. I’m sorry in advance; you know I love you guys and wouldn’t subject you to this shit if you didn’t want to read it.
Instead of my usual, shrieking/ranty posts, I thought I’d be a bit rebellious – erm, I mean DIFFERENT. I’ll write the thoughts in a list, and then a tiny explanation, so that you can get inside my head a little.
In No Particular Order: Elm’s Paranoid, and Nonsensical, Thoughts Throughout the Day:
They don’t actually give a shit, you know that right?
I seemed to have got it into my head that nobody cared about me, and that I was a worthless piece of crap. I was sitting there, not talking to anyone and letting those awful thoughts wash over me, convincing myself that I was right and that I might as well give up on trying to be friendly or anything. Then, I kicked myself into shape and realised that was bullshit – even if people don’t care, I should always be friendly and kind to people, because that’s just in my nature.
Oh well done – you thought you could walk in a straight line by yourself?!
We had Prizegiving rehearsal today. On top of stressing about what I’ll wear tomorrow, we had to go up and get our prize (well it wasn’t there then but it will be tomorrow). I decided it was a fantastic idea to do it myself: a girl took me to the start of where we had to walk, and I just… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see the teacher at all, got confused, and I’ve never felt that humiliated because it was with SO many of the other students. It was like I was a child, stupid, not able to do anything all over again and it frustrated me, as I could almost imagine the pitying gazes and the “awww look she’s doing it by herself!” stuff I often get from people that don’t know me.
You will never ever be good enough. Ever. Deal with it.
There is this girl. She always seems to have what I have but better, do what I do but BETTER, and like what I like but… Better, and have more access to it (that makes it sound like a museum WOW). It’s the one thing I resent, the one thing that makes me want to sob in a corner until my skin turns to tears. It’s simple jealousy, but it’s been magnified and twisted: I can’t even hate her because she’s a lovely person and I hope she’ll be really happy because she deserves it more than anyone I know. But because of it, I’ve been feeling inadequate and like I am literally nothing, like I’m just a second, a hut compared to a mansion. Oh well – it’ll pass. It’s rather petty and pathetic.
You’re just pretending, you fake bitch
Then, I told myself nothing about me was genuine. That I was just floating along, not showing anyone my true self. Hiding, conniving, being awful; my mind doesn’t work in rational ways sometimes which is why I thought THAT. Not even smiling with my friends made it any better, because I then told myself that I shouldn’t be smiling, then that I SHOULD because it’s better to pretend you’re fucking happy. After that was when the “you’re fake” thoughts bombarded my brain.
It’s going to happen, so you might as well prepare yourself
But god it hurts. This is related to what happened yesterday, and my mind has been howling about it for the last 12 hours and I just can’t. Without explaining anything, I’ll summarise how I feel:
1. It’s no one’s fault
2. I don’t blame anyone
3. I will probably get hurt, but that’s life and I’ll eventually learn to deal with it
4. But I don’t want to and I just want everyone to be happy, and if that means me not being happy then I’m honestly alright with that
And this is the root of the problem, isn’t it? This THING, that realistically, I should accept and yes: I’m not angry, but I’m sad. I don’t like things potentially going to shit. Who knows, though? I have to trust myself, trust the people who mean the most to me, and trust that the people I DON’t know so well won’t indirectly hurt me.
It hasn’t happened yet, but it might. It could, and I hate it, but what CAN I do? Apart from be cryptic and not make sense, that is.
Here’s another point to add to the list: as always, I’m scared that writing this post is too much. That people will read it and feel guilty, and I don’t want that. It wouldn’t be fair, but I’m doing it anyway.
No. I’m doing this for ME, to prove I can be okay, and to prove I still have a voice. Over the last year, I’ve become someone who accepts situations after trying to understand them, and I’m proud of myself for that. However, if people do read this and notice what I’m implying (congrats if you do because only two people know the full story and one of them’s me), I want you to know that I will be fine. It may not seem like it, but a lot of the bitterness and sadness has been leeched out by this post, as funny as that is.
I’m just one girl in one situation. What I have to do is carry on with my life, loving who I want and feeling as happy as I can, no matter what will come my way. Because screw getting knocked down over and over. Damn jealousy and all its sisters, and an extra-special PISS OFF to bitterness.
I won’t fight BACK; I’ll just keep on existing and if that’s not good enough, I’ll make it good enough. Paranoia hurts and it cycles through my brain all the time, but it’s not very bad.
I’m not in the habit of making things out to be worse than they are. As much as I’m not the best right now, I know that I’ll pick myself up. I’m still stable, still solid in my friendships and relationship, still OKAY.
If you ever feel paranoid, or feel how I’m feeling now, do talk to someone. Don’t let yourself feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people, or quiet in a sea of noise.
I don’t feel great. I still feel as if I’m not much, despite everyone trying to tell me I matter to them. It’s part of my personality, that I don’t believe people until they say it over and over, which seems needy.
Sorry that this post is so disjointed and jumbled; it’s mainly for me – but it’s also for you to understand me more.
Oh, who cares? I’ll just live for once.
Love from Elm 🙂