Unleashing My Paranoia

I’ve been in a constant state of paranoia all day. Heart pumping, eyes staring into nothing, limbs feeling cold, and my head running through all of the worst possibilities. It all stems from something that happened yesterday, which I wish I could talk about, but that’s what comes with showing your blog to people who know you in real life. Luckily, I’m not bitter about THAT.

I thought, to make me feel better and to clear my head from some of these screaming thoughts, I’d write it down. How I feel, my worries, how my mindset was pinging back and forth all day – as much as I can. I’m sorry in advance; you know I love you guys and wouldn’t subject you to this shit if you didn’t want to read it.

Instead of my usual, shrieking/ranty posts, I thought I’d be a bit rebellious – erm, I mean DIFFERENT. I’ll write the thoughts in a list, and then a tiny explanation, so that you can get inside my head a little.

In No Particular Order: Elm’s Paranoid, and Nonsensical, Thoughts Throughout the Day:

They don’t actually give a shit, you know that right?
I seemed to have got it into my head that nobody cared about me, and that I was a worthless piece of crap. I was sitting there, not talking to anyone and letting those awful thoughts wash over me, convincing myself that I was right and that I might as well give up on trying to be friendly or anything. Then, I kicked myself into shape and realised that was bullshit – even if people don’t care, I should always be friendly and kind to people, because that’s just in my nature.

Oh well done – you thought you could walk in a straight line by yourself?!
We had Prizegiving rehearsal today. On top of stressing about what I’ll wear tomorrow, we had to go up and get our prize (well it wasn’t there then but it will be tomorrow). I decided it was a fantastic idea to do it myself: a girl took me to the start of where we had to walk, and I just… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see the teacher at all, got confused, and I’ve never felt that humiliated because it was with SO many of the other students. It was like I was a child, stupid, not able to do anything all over again and it frustrated me, as I could almost imagine the pitying gazes and the “awww look she’s doing it by herself!” stuff I often get from people that don’t know me.

You will never ever be good enough. Ever. Deal with it.
There is this girl. She always seems to have what I have but better, do what I do but BETTER, and like what I like but… Better, and have more access to it (that makes it sound like a museum WOW). It’s the one thing I resent, the one thing that makes me want to sob in a corner until my skin turns to tears. It’s simple jealousy, but it’s been magnified and twisted: I can’t even hate her because she’s a lovely person and I hope she’ll be really happy because she deserves it more than anyone I know. But because of it, I’ve been feeling inadequate and like I am literally nothing, like I’m just a second, a hut compared to a mansion. Oh well – it’ll pass. It’s rather petty and pathetic.

You’re just pretending, you fake bitch
Then, I told myself nothing about me was genuine. That I was just floating along, not showing anyone my true self. Hiding, conniving, being awful; my mind doesn’t work in rational ways sometimes which is why I thought THAT. Not even smiling with my friends made it any better, because I then told myself that I shouldn’t be smiling, then that I SHOULD because it’s better to pretend you’re fucking happy. After that was when the “you’re fake” thoughts bombarded my brain.

It’s going to happen, so you might as well prepare yourself
But god it hurts. This is related to what happened yesterday, and my mind has been howling about it for the last 12 hours and I just can’t. Without explaining anything, I’ll summarise how I feel:
1. It’s no one’s fault
2. I don’t blame anyone
3. I will probably get hurt, but that’s life and I’ll eventually learn to deal with it
4. But I don’t want to and I just want everyone to be happy, and if that means me not being happy then I’m honestly alright with that

And this is the root of the problem, isn’t it? This THING, that realistically, I should accept and yes: I’m not angry, but I’m sad. I don’t like things potentially going to shit. Who knows, though? I have to trust myself, trust the people who mean the most to me, and trust that the people I DON’t know so well won’t indirectly hurt me.

It hasn’t happened yet, but it might. It could, and I hate it, but what CAN I do? Apart from be cryptic and not make sense, that is.

Here’s another point to add to the list: as always, I’m scared that writing this post is too much. That people will read it and feel guilty, and I don’t want that. It wouldn’t be fair, but I’m doing it anyway.

No. I’m doing this for ME, to prove I can be okay, and to prove I still have a voice. Over the last year, I’ve become someone who accepts situations after trying to understand them, and I’m proud of myself for that. However, if people do read this and notice what I’m implying (congrats if you do because only two people know the full story and one of them’s me), I want you to know that I will be fine. It may not seem like it, but a lot of the bitterness and sadness has been leeched out by this post, as funny as that is.

I’m just one girl in one situation. What I have to do is carry on with my life, loving who I want and feeling as happy as I can, no matter what will come my way. Because screw getting knocked down over and over. Damn jealousy and all its sisters, and an extra-special PISS OFF to bitterness.

I won’t fight BACK; I’ll just keep on existing and if that’s not good enough, I’ll make it good enough. Paranoia hurts and it cycles through my brain all the time, but it’s not very bad.

I’m not in the habit of making things out to be worse than they are. As much as I’m not the best right now, I know that I’ll pick myself up. I’m still stable, still solid in my friendships and relationship, still OKAY.

If you ever feel paranoid, or feel how I’m feeling now, do talk to someone. Don’t let yourself feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people, or quiet in a sea of noise.

I don’t feel great. I still feel as if I’m not much, despite everyone trying to tell me I matter to them. It’s part of my personality, that I don’t believe people until they say it over and over, which seems needy.

Sorry that this post is so disjointed and jumbled; it’s mainly for me – but it’s also for you to understand me more.

Oh, who cares? I’ll just live for once.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

36 thoughts on “Unleashing My Paranoia

  1. Just so you know, I feel like this on a daily basis too. It has lost me friends, because “for fuck’s sake Lia, we don’t hate you”. The only friends I have left are the ones that show me outwardly that they definitely don’t hate me; by inviting me out, starting conversations — they stop my paranoia. I really understand your situation. With you being blind physically and me being socially blind, I guess you could say that we both look at things in a different light? This leads to us worrying about the opinions of others but you need to realise (so do I) that the only opinion that matters is your own. If someone else doesn’t like it, then that’s THEIR issue, not yours. I know how it feels to feel like no one cares and I just want you to know that I will always care, even if you don’t know me that well, and I’ll care because you’re a really good blogger and I feel like I understand your posts. The thing that amazes me though is that I’m not blind – I can see (though I’m a tiny bit short-sighted :P) but I can almost see the world as you see it. It’s pretty remarkable to make people feel your circumstances when they haven’t experienced them and only someone with real talent could pull that off. Well done πŸ™‚

      • would you mind doing me a favour? My friend MyMindSpeaksAloud (.wordpress.com) has their 18th birthday today and, as you’re such a prolific blogger, maybe you could check out their profile and leave them some comments on their stuff? It might make them quite happy and they definitely deserve all the comments they can get πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much, Lia. Like you have no idea how much your words mean to me, have ALWAYS meant to me. I think, from your comment, that you can understand what I’m feeling because of what you’ve been through, but also because I think you’re a really empathetic person. It’s good to know that I’m not alone, that I know you get my paranoia, and that some people don’t hate me. It makes me feel reassured and I’m glad of that. You are such a fantastic person, and you’ve always supported me.

  2. it’ll be okay elm these thoughts will go away and you are worth it and amazing (and even though I don’t comment often enough) you need to know you are truly inspiring to me ❀️-Lyss

  3. You’re literally one of my favourite bloggers. You are amazing, spectacular and wonderful. If you need anything I am right here. Never ever underestimate yourself, you’re worth so much more than you think. Take care and remember to keep smiling, it looks good on you. πŸ˜‰

    • Thank you, Tanya πŸ™‚ You are truly a lovely person. You make me actually feel better about myself, make me feel worth something, and I hope that can hold for a while. The fact that you took the time to write that comment just shows me you’re someone I admire.

  4. I give a billion shits about what you think, I love your personality, I admire you as a blogger, and I trust you as a friend. You are an amazing person Elm. You do so much for the community so selflessly. There will always be someone you don’t knowing using you as an inspiration even if your fears make out everyone doesn’t like you. Never forget that.

    • I love you. I love you so much, like you are ALWAYS ALWAYS here for me, and that means to me than anyone could know. You’re a wonderful friend, and I respect you – you’re one of my favourite bloggers of all time. I hope someone can take inspiration from what I do, and I just want to help people. Thank you ❀

      • Aw Elm, I’m so touched. I love you too and I will always always be here for you. You’re one of my all time favourite bloggers too! Much love, keep smiling and inspiring others x

  5. I can definitely relate! I’m so paranoid! The main reason that my blog is private is because I don’t want anyone who I know (nobody in real life knows about my blog) to read my blog and judge me. Both in real life and in the blogging community I feel like no one cares about me because in blogging, I’ve been putting up blogs twice a week for over a month yet I get 0 views each time. I’ve almost quit blogging because of it which makes me feel super emotional and hopeless and in the real world, I feel like no one cares about me either (at school). It’s really hard but you are amazing with a wonderful personality so you should flaunt it! People love you (not as in romance… That would be awkward having loads of people love you…) both in the real work in in the blogging one! You’re anything but useless! Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to say how incredible you are 😊
    -Sprinkle Of Anonymous xx

    • You know what? I just want to give you a huge hug. I love your blog, and your posts; you make me smile with your comments. I care about you, and I’m SURE so many other people do. Keep on posting, because let this be for YOU: get your thoughts out, know that you’re helping yourself and you WILL help others. Always here to help if you need it! πŸ™‚ Thanks SO much for everything.

  6. I can’t understand everything, obviously, but I can relate to your feelings about the THING. Like even though I don’t know what the thing is exactly, I am going through a thing or rather like teetering on the edge of a cliff hoping against hope the thing won’t happen but knowing it probably will. Like, I feel as if I should just accept the fact that’s it’s going to happen but yet I can’t because there are too many emotions involved? Idk. But anyway I hope the rest of the week goes better for you. πŸ™‚ ❀

    • Thank you so much, Em! I can tell you would understand this and that you do! It means a lot. I’m just so tired, sad and listless, waiting and waiting – it’s annoying. I’ll be okay, though πŸ™‚

      • You’re welcome! It’s okay to be tired and sad, you’re doing the best you can and you WILL get there eventually. I know you’ll be okay and I’m glad you know that too. πŸ™‚

  7. Thoughts come and go, try not to hold onto the more negative and challenging ones! Look how many people care about you and what you have to say! Don’t ever doubt the amount of good that you can do!

  8. While obviously I don’t understand the situation completely, I do know how you’re feeling! It’s not fun, but in the end you just need to realize that the only opinion that really matters is your opinion of yourself! Nobody else can tell you who you’re supposed to be! And trust me… I can’t walk a straight line either, and even though I’ve been with my class forever, they still clap and make a huge deal whenever I do attempt anything like that by myself. I’m always here if you wanna talk. πŸ™‚

    • Ahhh you are such a good person; thank you!! πŸ™‚ Yeah, I get you there; there’s always the “Well done, you did so well!” everybody. Ugh. I’m glad you can understand some of it. It means a lot that you’re here πŸ™‚ And of course you can always talk to me whenever.

  9. hey hey life happens. i’ve just in the past day or so been going through some crazy roller coaster emotions so i feel everything you wrote here. still not through it, but hey it’s life, shit happens and it sucks and we just gotta deal with it whether we like it or not. here’s a quote i’ve really been thinking on the past few days so you know you’re not alone:
    “stop letting other people’s opinions dictate your actions, stop letting other people’s actions dictate your emotions.” much love xxx

    • That “really helps – thank you! Your support always means so so much to me; I’m glad that you can understand what I’m feeling, and I hope we can both get through it. Sometimes shitty things happened to not so shitty people and it’s okay to cry about it

      • hey I’m always here! and I’m glad to know it means something to you, it’s an amazing feeling to know when people appreciate you! and yeah, life doesn’t seem fair sometimes but i really am learning lately that it’s fine to cry it out and it generally always feels better when all the tears are gone.

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