The first one is when they forget.
It’s not something they can help. It happens with time, space and distraction – all the things around them that let them forget how I am. Who I am. What it’s like to be around me, to laugh with me, to trust me.
Then, they stop replying. Little by little. A missed word here, a forgotten promise there: we’ve all done it. I have, forgetting a little how I used to smile every time I got a message. A hypocrite in its simplest form, but GOD, it hurts when it’s flipped on you. Some call it Karma, but I call it sadness.
They stop caring. Put you to one side, and I could never blamwh them. I’ve had it done to me, I’ve done it, and I’ve seen it done to others. The slow withdrawal of themselves from a situation, because it’s healthier that way. Either because they hate just that little bit or because it’s better for their mental health, it’s GOOD that they get away. From me, or from the idea of me. It hurts, but I won’t be bitter about the amount of times this has happened, because it’s a natural process.
Paranoia is the next leap. Every day, I question myself: “If I message them, will they reply? What if I don’t? Should I wait – will they – why do they hate me – am I BAD?” It always cycles round and round, until my world brightens a little when I realise they don’t hate me. It’s a bit pathetic if you ask me, but people are trying to tell me that IT’s OKAY: I can feel.
I’ll put it simply: at the moment, I’m exhibiting scarily similar behaviour to how I acted in the Ash Situation.
“You’re too clingy,” he said, and I took it to heart, not realising that one and a half years later, I’d be just as clingy: mind whirling, eyes watering, just asking myself what the fuck I’m doing.
“You’re borderlining on the creepy,” his friend said, making me feel like a psychopathic awful person. Not realising that the pain magnifies tenfold when you thought you’d learned from the previous pain.
It’s difficult to express to you how… Awful I feel, and how I have felt for the last week. It’s a multitude of things, from stress to my stained-glass window of a heart being smashed a little, to not knowing if it’ll be smashed further. I can’t help but post, can’t help but get this out somehow.
Because the reality is, I feel broken. I feel hopeless, like everything I do is wrong, like at any point this could be the thing that entirely shatters me. I’m sick of getting up again, from where I’ve fallen. However, I know that I have to, over and over again, when all I want to do is wrap my arms around myself and howl.
Things I Know:
• I blame nobody for any of the current situation
• Being in pain is a natural part of life
• Posting this will make people feel guilty if they read it, and I don’t want that
• I need to get my emotions out
• I have been in a constant state of wanting to cry
• I’m over-reacting
• I wish I could explain, but that’s not fair on anyone
The bottom line is, I want everybody to be happy. If my happiness comes after someone else’s, then I can deal with that. As long as people find their happiness, and people can smile, I’ll be happy. Yes, it might take me a while to be alright again, but I will be.
Things being okay is so important, but sometimes, they can’t be. I won’t let my bitterness swallow me, or the urge to blame myself and to cry about it all consume me. It’s not just my feelings that’ll be hurt, because at the endof THIS, someone will be crying, and better me than anyone else.
FUCK, I’m making no sense. I want to tell you everything, to let myself sob, but I need my wits about me to help other people, and to realise that in this, I come second to what I want. Ugh, I’m just throwing my thoughts out, with no direction, because explaining them will take too much time. You’re getting unfiltered Elm here.
The first one is when they forget.
The second is when they don’t reply.
The next few steps are the breaking, the realisation there’s nothing you can do, and falling onto the ground because it’s the only thing you know HOW to do.
Over the next few days, weeks maybe, I won’t be okay. Everything is uncertain, blurred, because I have no idea where I stand. I’m pretending that it’s all good, so much so that I’ve convinced myself that it is.
The seventh step is the unknown. It’s the aftermath, the stage I haven’t got to yet – the ashes of a friendship or the coals of love.
Having gone through this whole scenario multiple times – both having it done to me and doing it to others – I know how it hurts. I know that it can’t be helped, and thet the most important thing is not to break. How can I not break, though, when nothing feels right and I feel as if I’m drowning in confusion? I want to be happy, and to have something solid and not feel as if I will NEVER be good enough. That’s no one’s fault either.
I almost feel attention-seeking for this, because I can’t speak plainly. My mouth twisted when I told Wren, shaking overtaking my body until my whole world faded a little, the helplessness making my wrists feel cold. The hesitation on the words, “I’m so miserable” and “I just want… I don’t know” making me shiver. She helped me though, hugging me as only an amazing friend can.
I know how it begins. I just don’t know how it will end.
From Elm 🙂
PS: I love you guys so much. Thanks for always being here to support me, even when the words I spout make no sense.