What’s Really Been Going On

I’ve not been entirely honest with you.

Though I’ve never outright lied, so much about the truth of what’s been happening and how I’ve felt about it I’ve not told you, simply because it’s either too confusing or I can’t deal with it. But now, when I feel like I’m falling to pieces, I’m going to explain exactly what’s been happening over the past three weeks. Why I’m now single, why I respect my (ex) boyfriend, but why I feel the worst I think I’ve ever felt.

S – my ex-boyfriend now (it hurts to say that so I’ll be referring to him as S) – goes to a boarding school about three hours away from me. This is his first year there, and it’s small, so there aren’t many people in his year. One of the people there is someone I posted about here. She’s a girl I’ve known for 6 years, and though we haven’t talked much recently, in the past we shared a lot of stuff and she was, and is, someone I think is kind and a wonderful person.

S and this girl are very close friends, and had been ever since he started in that school. I was constantly paranoid that the you would get together, because I’m me, but S and I talked every day and so that paranoia faded, because I know he’d never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. This girl and S talked a lot, and I’m presuming that the girl told S about her insecurities (which I’m presuming are similar to mine) and I hope she did, because he’s a trustworthy person. I became a bit more clingy, which I’m really annoyed at myself for, but in the days of uncertainty where I didn’t know what would happen, it’s my natural reaction to do that. I should really do something about that.

About two weeks ago, they went on a trip to do a really cool sport. On the way back, she told him that she liked him and had ever since he’t started. That night, he told me – he’s always made a point of doing so, even when he knew it would make me feel terrible. I wasn’t HAPPY, but I can very much understand why she likes him.

He was terrified that he’d do something stupid, that she’d kiss him and he’d respond. I told him that it was a human reaction, that it was okay, because if he DID grow feelings for her then he couldn’t help it. They are around each other all the time and so it would be better that he not hurt her, and if feelings did develop, then he should go out there and get happiness. I’m trying not to let my emotions warp my words. When he was confused about the two of us, I thought it was logical conclusion for him to choose her, partly because I thought and think that I’m ALWAYS the worst option but also because it would be easier for him.

Two days later, he told me that he had feelings for her. Actually, it was more like me asking him if he did because I knew he wasn’t okay, and then him confirming it. I broke a little then, just a little, and whenever I cry at him I feel bad for it because he doesn’t EVER deserve to feel guilty. I knew he felt terrible, confused, sad – all of the emotions I’ve experienced before.

On Wednesday, they kissed. They were saying goodbye, because she was going to something – not sure what – and in the moment, they kissed, and it was about the emotion and I’m sure it made them feel happy and great. I’m genuinely glad if it did because I truly, truly understand that sentiment.

The one person who has truly helped me through this is Rapunzel, my ex-girlfriend, even though both S and I put her through shit. My respect for her has skyrocketed, because through it all, she’s been there to talk to me and listen to me. She let onto me that something had happened, not actually telling me that it had, but I guessed and she couldn’t deny it when she said she’d spoken to him for two hours. It had been on my mind for the past week, and so it was no wonder that my mind immediately jumped to that conclusion.

It was then that I broke completely. He told me later that night, everything that had happened, and how bad he felt. But with Rapunzel, before I had spoken to him, I shattered. I have never cried that hard, walked around my room and felt everything falling, talking about morbid things with horrifying ease and causing my mind to twist until I could get it back to its regular shape.

I told her that I just wanted to die. I wanted it all to stop, and I knew it would pass but at that moment, I wanted to die. Afterwards, when the raw pain had faded a little, she said I had such desperation and hopelessness in my voice and I realise now that it was true. Both when she and he were talking to me, at one point I was on the floor, but I didn’t let him see me at that low point because he doesn’t deserve to, as it would make him feel worse. He feels guilty enough as it is, and I don’t think he should – is that messed up?

I still respect S a lot, because through it all, he’s told me the truth. He hasn’t bullshitted, or lied, and he’s quite frankly said how he feels.

I’m going to make a list of what I think about the situation, because it’ll help me cope.

• I want everyone to be happy
• Both him and the girl deserve to smile because they’ve been through a lot, and if that’s with each other, then it’s good for them
• I don’t exactly care about my happiness when those two are happy, because I knew someone would get hurt in this situation
• It’s better that I did than her, because I wouldn’t have to see him every day
• I’m used to not feeling great, and so I didn’t want her to feel like this. It’s fucking awful. I don’t mean to sound so desolate.
• She’s such a lovely person and I don’t blame her at all, because she was just getting something she wanted
• I don’t blame him for the same reason – they’re human, and she’s someone who’s unbelievably talented and is all around a good person

However, my emotions are so painful at the moment that I can’t do anything. I’m half-crying, when I didn’t want to, tears sliding down my face. And so, despite all of my acceptance of this, because how could I not accept it – I feel so miserable. So awful.

I’m seeing him tomorrow. He’s coming round to mine, because we’re going to Paris in the half term with a bunch of other VI people. He’s still my friend – he thought I’d never want to see him again because of how he (indirectly) hurt me – but he couldn’t be more wrong. No matter what he did, I know that he never did it vindictively.

The only catch? She’ll be there. I’ll have to be around them when they’re together and FUCK, I’m honest to god crying now, because I can’t deal with it. I’m going to be feeling like this for so long and I hate it. If I don’t sob all the time, I’ll be surprised, but I can’t let her see me like that. She shouldn’t know how much pain I’m in because I just want her to be happy and to NOT have that clouded with my sadness; it wouldn’t be fair.

To be honest, I’m sick of everything going to shit. In the last year, it seems as if I’ve had 2-3 months of being happy in a relationship, before something starts to go wrong. When I was with S the first time, I messed that up. Three months after being with Aspen, I realised I didn’t have feelings for him, and that made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t cope. Rapunzel broke up with me after two months and then SO much shit kicked off (not her fault) and now, this.

I can’t give myself a break. This, coupled with everything that’s been happening in the last few months, has all piled up to make my heart smash. How am I supposed to be strong, when I feel so weak? How am I supposed to be okay when nothing I feel is alright and I just want to disappear?

I feel like I’ve been replaced. That even though it’s no one’s fault, I’m just not good enough, and the reality of that is burning me. Why can’t things be okay? Why do my eyes have to leak tears like they’re broken; WHY do I have to feel numb inside one second, hollow the next and so sad that I can’t breathe the next? It’s like the optimism has been scraped out of me, the gold and bronze replaced with a grey, metallic blur.

No one deserves to see this side of me, when I feel like giving up. My incoherent thoughts, scattered like leaves in Autumn, until I’m so tired and so upset and so awful. I want it to stop. Am I overreacting?

My heart hurts. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest, dark and bitter and scary, and it’s frazed and ragged around the edges like an open wound. I feel pathetic, because what if I can’t get my act together? In school, I’ve been acting like I’m fine, failing in certain lessons where I find it difficult to get motivation to do work. If this continues after the half term, I’ll do terribly on my mocks, and it’ll affect all of my learning.

Speaking to S has helped, a little. After telling him that I wouldn’t post about this to protect his privacy, he asked if I wanted to, to which I replied “Maybe, but I won’t because I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of you.” He then Encouraged me to post about it, to get my emotions out, which I really appreciate. Before anything, he has been my friend, and I won’t throw that away even when my sadness feels like it’s bleeding.

My friends have been supportive, too, helping me out. They understand when I say that I am miserable, that nothing they can do will help me much, except being here and cheering me up. I need it, and I need to be able to deal with this and want to die sometimes. I haven’t harmed myself, except for nails digging into my palms when I feel as if I’m about to break, and not sleeping much, but I can prevent that. I’m sorry if that triggered anyone.

It hits me, at certain points in the day. Realising that it’s over, knowing that she’ll be his first for things I haven’t been, feeling empty inside because I’m so done with getting hurt and so done with feeling and trying all the time, when relationships shouldn’t be ABOUT constantly trying. Over and over again, the only difference now being that I can’t blame myself, and that kills.

They will be happy, but I won’t. They’ll live, and I’ll live, but I just dinn’t know how much. I want to be okay, but realistically I don’t see that happening any time soon, but it will in the future. As I said earlier, I feel the worst I’ve felt – worse than Ash, worse than when my sister was going through hell, because at the time I didn’t understand. Everything’s built up and I am sick of wishing for something and having it ripped away, no matter how selfish and attention-seeking it is.

Hello Elm, you got cheated on. Your relationship is over, and it will never go back to how it was before. Stop hoping, stop trying to hope, and STOP distracting yourself to try and make yourself feel more human. One day, you’ll be okay but for now you’re not and you just have to find ways to be. Oh, and your heart’s broken again.

Oh God.

The thought of getting with other people literally makes me feel sick. People saying that I’ll find someone else doesn’t help, at the moment, because I just don’t care. To some people it may be comforting, but for me it just reminds me of how unconfident and lonely I feel, and how everything feels as if it’s entirely destroyed and screaming around inside my head.

When I go to Paris, I’ll worry about my mental state. I’ll be nice to the girl, because she doesn’t deserve me being awful to her, as she’s human and I don’t know if I wouldn’t have done the same in her situation. I think I’ll feel worse than I do now, but that’s okay because it’s better than shutting it out. If it gets particularly and consistently bad, I WILL go and see someone, I promise.

I’ll update you on anything that happens. I’m not angry; I’m just upset and I feel like nothing will be okay, even though it will be. I just needed to get this out before I start to mend.

From Elm 🙂

58 thoughts on “What’s Really Been Going On

  1. I can totally understand :O yes it’s shit. But nothing could be done. If you went possessive on him, he would have broken out one way or the other. Try to immune yourself 🙂 that’s the only way. All the best for the trip.!

  2. I know how it feels. Like yhe world is on your shoulders, but love, as much as i know you dont want to hear this, i will say it. You will be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but eventually you will. One day you will wake up and it wont hurt anymore. Until then its okay to be angry, its okay to cry. Let him find his happiness and you find yours. I tell you this because i am going through something similar. I am proof that your suffering will come to an end. Keep your head up beautiful ❤

    • Oh god, thank you so much! Your words mean a lot, especially because I know you understand. Thanks for being here, and I know that one day, I’ll be better. That day isn’t today, or tomorrow, or the next day, but I know that it will happen one day. You’re brilliant 🙂 XX

  3. oh goodness im so sorry this happened. i honest to goodness feel like you and i are having, i don’t know, the same year or something like that? bc im having the worst relationship / guy problems as well and every time i read one of your posts i just RELATE. so yeah, just so you know i’m here for you if you need it. much love xxx

    • Thank you so much 🙂 and any time you need to talk, I’m here. We can cry about our problems together. I’ve found myself relating to you also, and I’m glad that you can feel like you’re not alone with me

  4. I don’t know if this is going to help but it’s worth a try. Maybe you should wait a while longer before you get in another relationship. Also, make friends with the person before you date them. Like really become friends. I feel like being really good friends before you date them helps. I don’t know if you already do the stuff I mentioned but I thought I would say it anyways 🙂
    Don’t worry, things will get better.
    I am also so proud how you handle these situations. Like saying you will be nice to the girl and that they are just human. xxx 🙂

    • Thank you 🙂 is the only thing that is holding me up as promised days. I was extremely good friends with him before we went out, and we remain good friends afterwards to, but it still hurts. Thanks for all your support though – it means a lot 🙂

  5. It’s okay to break sometimes, don’t feel guilty for it. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time. Let me know if you want to talk! Stay strong x

    • Thank you so so much, and same with you. I’ve just tried to remain who I am, without anything letting it poison me. It’s all I can do, really.

  6. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to go through this 😦 We’re all here for you. Take it easy over the next while, you deserve some time to get used to things. I do hope you’re feeling better soon 🙂

    • So do I, but I don’t see that happening for a while. Thanks though 🙂 I just need to try and hold things together as much as possible. It’s a horrible thing to go through, but I’ll get there. I hope I can keep that attitude

  7. You shouldn’t feel bad about feeling all of these emotions, it’s only natural. It’s okay not to be okay ♥♥♥

  8. You deserve happiness too but, unfortunately, life doesn’t let you all be happy. If it did, that would be wonderful, but it doesn’t. You can’t rely on someone else for your happiness though; you have to rely on yourself. I hope you can find happiness without him because you’re wonderful and you deserve it ❤

  9. Oh Elm, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You really didn’t deserve it, you deserve to be happy ❤️ I can see how broken you feel, but the way that you want both of them to be happy really inspires me – it’s such a mature and kind view to have. If you ever need to talk we’re all here for you ❤️

    • Thanks so much – I’ll take you up on that offer at some point 🙂 I suppose I’m just completely shattered, tired, of all of it. Always getting hurt in that. But with you guys to help me, I think it’ll be less on bearable

  10. Oh God, Elm, reading this makes me want to fly there and just give you the biggest hug ever . Saying that you want both of them to be happy, even when it makes you heartbroken is a really mature outlook. It’ll take a great deal of mental strength to get through it all, especially in Paris. But if you can, try to distance yourself from them over there . Stay with the people who will not stress you out. Of course, this isn’t always realistic, but your pain is still raw- you need some time to yourself. But still, try and block everything out and enjoy yourself. I’m sorry this happened to you, but this also was a learning experience.

    • I did my best, but it’s still really really hurt. Thank you so much for your support 🙂 I guess I just need to know the people are here and that’s enough. I’m just trying to hold it together

  11. I know I’m not the best person to say this but honestly elm,its okay 🙂 everything will be alright and it’s completely alright to be not happy all the time. Life is just like that. I know it sucks but it’s true… If you ever need to talk to someone anytime just know that I’m always here 🙂

  12. Oh Elm… I can’t believe that this has happened to you. It’s so sad to hear you this upset. I hope that Paris is a good experience for you, and it doesn’t make you feel like you’re feeling now. Surround yourself with your friends, and hopefully you won’t have to deal with S and her too much. If he still has the same respect for you as you do for him, he will hopefully give you space and continue to understand that you are upset and emotional due to what’s happened. You’re dealing with this maturely, and they should do the same.
    Also, don’t hesitate to speak out to people about what’s going on, keeping everything bottled up is a bad thing to do, and it’s great that you’ve already spoken to someone about it.
    Sending you the biggest hug, lu X

  13. Oh elm! I am so sorry something like this has happened to you. I know it is difficult because you end up feeling like you aren’t good enough and the raw pain just hurts too much. There is nothing I can say to make that pain go away but I do wish you the best! You are one of the most amazing person I have met! The proof to that just keeps on adding up- how you don’t want to jeopardize their happiness just because you feel a certain way. You are so wonderful and nice! You deserve happiness every single day!xxx

    • Really? Thank you so much! It’s so difficult to remember that, even think it when the rest of me is telling me that it’s not true, but you always here to support me and that means the bloody world, I hope you know that XXX

  14. I’m so sorry Elm. I know how that feels, and you didn’t deserve. But–life has a funny way of throwing trials at us. It makes a stronger, and I know it will make you unbreakable. ❤ I'm always here.

      • I know it will be, we just have to keep going.
        I wish I was lovely, but I feel not so lovely a lot of the time. 🙂 But thank you, it means a lot to hear it. And thank you, I’m so glad to have met you. ❤

  15. I’m really sorry for that sending hugs and kisses across the world. just remember that you can’t always be happy, and it’s ok to be sad every once in a while. in the grand scheme of things, this is a tinyyy bump in your life. it will get better!!
    phia xx

  16. Elm, you should be upset after a breakup, it’s perfectly natural and I would be too so don’t worry about being upset and maybe Paris will help you, it’s a beautiful place to be 🙂
    You’ll find someone one day who will love you and you’ve got so many years ahead of you and many moments of happiness ahead, I know you will 🙂
    The blogging community loves you and we will support you and listen to you even if you think it’s stupid or whatever, we’ll understand 🙂
    If you need to talk to me, email me at hideawaygirlblog@gmail.com

    • Thank you so much, I may take you up on that offer! It’s just that I really don’t feel well at the moment. I’m trying my best. Hope’s the only thing that’s making me feel vaguely all right now

  17. This was long ago but I can’t help commenting. Whatever good things you have written about her, what she did was plain wrong. And you are really strong because you can see the good in ppl when you are in a bad situation and that’s a rare quality.. be happy, choose your friends wisely, and tell yourself that you deserve the best cos you do! If you don’t see the best in you, no one else will, you are the best version of you, kind hearted and an amazing writer, see the good in you..k?

    • I’ll try, I promise. It’s very difficult to hold onto the good parts of myself when it still hurts after all this time. It’s almost surprising how it does, when I’m faced with it – but I’m trying and I’ll keep on going. Thank you so much.

  18. There’s this level of selflessness in you that’s just radiant and pure. The type that reflects the pain from your past yet vibrates in this sort of volume the love and kindness that you have stored away. How you value love even if it comes at the cost of your pain, the way you prioritize others feelings because you validate the scars that pain can leave behind. Through your pain, you’ve shown so much beauty. You’ve shown what love really is, even if it isn’t returned.

    • Thank you so, so much for this. I have to say I’m almost crying because I’ve been hurting so much but to hear you say that I’ve shown selflessness means the world. I never know how to thank people that let me feel positively about myself – all I’ll say is you’ve brightened up my week.

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