I’ve not been entirely honest with you.
Though I’ve never outright lied, so much about the truth of what’s been happening and how I’ve felt about it I’ve not told you, simply because it’s either too confusing or I can’t deal with it. But now, when I feel like I’m falling to pieces, I’m going to explain exactly what’s been happening over the past three weeks. Why I’m now single, why I respect my (ex) boyfriend, but why I feel the worst I think I’ve ever felt.
S – my ex-boyfriend now (it hurts to say that so I’ll be referring to him as S) – goes to a boarding school about three hours away from me. This is his first year there, and it’s small, so there aren’t many people in his year. One of the people there is someone I posted about here. She’s a girl I’ve known for 6 years, and though we haven’t talked much recently, in the past we shared a lot of stuff and she was, and is, someone I think is kind and a wonderful person.
S and this girl are very close friends, and had been ever since he started in that school. I was constantly paranoid that the you would get together, because I’m me, but S and I talked every day and so that paranoia faded, because I know he’d never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. This girl and S talked a lot, and I’m presuming that the girl told S about her insecurities (which I’m presuming are similar to mine) and I hope she did, because he’s a trustworthy person. I became a bit more clingy, which I’m really annoyed at myself for, but in the days of uncertainty where I didn’t know what would happen, it’s my natural reaction to do that. I should really do something about that.
About two weeks ago, they went on a trip to do a really cool sport. On the way back, she told him that she liked him and had ever since he’t started. That night, he told me – he’s always made a point of doing so, even when he knew it would make me feel terrible. I wasn’t HAPPY, but I can very much understand why she likes him.
He was terrified that he’d do something stupid, that she’d kiss him and he’d respond. I told him that it was a human reaction, that it was okay, because if he DID grow feelings for her then he couldn’t help it. They are around each other all the time and so it would be better that he not hurt her, and if feelings did develop, then he should go out there and get happiness. I’m trying not to let my emotions warp my words. When he was confused about the two of us, I thought it was logical conclusion for him to choose her, partly because I thought and think that I’m ALWAYS the worst option but also because it would be easier for him.
Two days later, he told me that he had feelings for her. Actually, it was more like me asking him if he did because I knew he wasn’t okay, and then him confirming it. I broke a little then, just a little, and whenever I cry at him I feel bad for it because he doesn’t EVER deserve to feel guilty. I knew he felt terrible, confused, sad – all of the emotions I’ve experienced before.
On Wednesday, they kissed. They were saying goodbye, because she was going to something – not sure what – and in the moment, they kissed, and it was about the emotion and I’m sure it made them feel happy and great. I’m genuinely glad if it did because I truly, truly understand that sentiment.
The one person who has truly helped me through this is Rapunzel, my ex-girlfriend, even though both S and I put her through shit. My respect for her has skyrocketed, because through it all, she’s been there to talk to me and listen to me. She let onto me that something had happened, not actually telling me that it had, but I guessed and she couldn’t deny it when she said she’d spoken to him for two hours. It had been on my mind for the past week, and so it was no wonder that my mind immediately jumped to that conclusion.
It was then that I broke completely. He told me later that night, everything that had happened, and how bad he felt. But with Rapunzel, before I had spoken to him, I shattered. I have never cried that hard, walked around my room and felt everything falling, talking about morbid things with horrifying ease and causing my mind to twist until I could get it back to its regular shape.
I told her that I just wanted to die. I wanted it all to stop, and I knew it would pass but at that moment, I wanted to die. Afterwards, when the raw pain had faded a little, she said I had such desperation and hopelessness in my voice and I realise now that it was true. Both when she and he were talking to me, at one point I was on the floor, but I didn’t let him see me at that low point because he doesn’t deserve to, as it would make him feel worse. He feels guilty enough as it is, and I don’t think he should – is that messed up?
I still respect S a lot, because through it all, he’s told me the truth. He hasn’t bullshitted, or lied, and he’s quite frankly said how he feels.
I’m going to make a list of what I think about the situation, because it’ll help me cope.
• I want everyone to be happy
• Both him and the girl deserve to smile because they’ve been through a lot, and if that’s with each other, then it’s good for them
• I don’t exactly care about my happiness when those two are happy, because I knew someone would get hurt in this situation
• It’s better that I did than her, because I wouldn’t have to see him every day
• I’m used to not feeling great, and so I didn’t want her to feel like this. It’s fucking awful. I don’t mean to sound so desolate.
• She’s such a lovely person and I don’t blame her at all, because she was just getting something she wanted
• I don’t blame him for the same reason – they’re human, and she’s someone who’s unbelievably talented and is all around a good person
However, my emotions are so painful at the moment that I can’t do anything. I’m half-crying, when I didn’t want to, tears sliding down my face. And so, despite all of my acceptance of this, because how could I not accept it – I feel so miserable. So awful.
I’m seeing him tomorrow. He’s coming round to mine, because we’re going to Paris in the half term with a bunch of other VI people. He’s still my friend – he thought I’d never want to see him again because of how he (indirectly) hurt me – but he couldn’t be more wrong. No matter what he did, I know that he never did it vindictively.
The only catch? She’ll be there. I’ll have to be around them when they’re together and FUCK, I’m honest to god crying now, because I can’t deal with it. I’m going to be feeling like this for so long and I hate it. If I don’t sob all the time, I’ll be surprised, but I can’t let her see me like that. She shouldn’t know how much pain I’m in because I just want her to be happy and to NOT have that clouded with my sadness; it wouldn’t be fair.
To be honest, I’m sick of everything going to shit. In the last year, it seems as if I’ve had 2-3 months of being happy in a relationship, before something starts to go wrong. When I was with S the first time, I messed that up. Three months after being with Aspen, I realised I didn’t have feelings for him, and that made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t cope. Rapunzel broke up with me after two months and then SO much shit kicked off (not her fault) and now, this.
I can’t give myself a break. This, coupled with everything that’s been happening in the last few months, has all piled up to make my heart smash. How am I supposed to be strong, when I feel so weak? How am I supposed to be okay when nothing I feel is alright and I just want to disappear?
I feel like I’ve been replaced. That even though it’s no one’s fault, I’m just not good enough, and the reality of that is burning me. Why can’t things be okay? Why do my eyes have to leak tears like they’re broken; WHY do I have to feel numb inside one second, hollow the next and so sad that I can’t breathe the next? It’s like the optimism has been scraped out of me, the gold and bronze replaced with a grey, metallic blur.
No one deserves to see this side of me, when I feel like giving up. My incoherent thoughts, scattered like leaves in Autumn, until I’m so tired and so upset and so awful. I want it to stop. Am I overreacting?
My heart hurts. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest, dark and bitter and scary, and it’s frazed and ragged around the edges like an open wound. I feel pathetic, because what if I can’t get my act together? In school, I’ve been acting like I’m fine, failing in certain lessons where I find it difficult to get motivation to do work. If this continues after the half term, I’ll do terribly on my mocks, and it’ll affect all of my learning.
Speaking to S has helped, a little. After telling him that I wouldn’t post about this to protect his privacy, he asked if I wanted to, to which I replied “Maybe, but I won’t because I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of you.” He then Encouraged me to post about it, to get my emotions out, which I really appreciate. Before anything, he has been my friend, and I won’t throw that away even when my sadness feels like it’s bleeding.
My friends have been supportive, too, helping me out. They understand when I say that I am miserable, that nothing they can do will help me much, except being here and cheering me up. I need it, and I need to be able to deal with this and want to die sometimes. I haven’t harmed myself, except for nails digging into my palms when I feel as if I’m about to break, and not sleeping much, but I can prevent that. I’m sorry if that triggered anyone.
It hits me, at certain points in the day. Realising that it’s over, knowing that she’ll be his first for things I haven’t been, feeling empty inside because I’m so done with getting hurt and so done with feeling and trying all the time, when relationships shouldn’t be ABOUT constantly trying. Over and over again, the only difference now being that I can’t blame myself, and that kills.
They will be happy, but I won’t. They’ll live, and I’ll live, but I just dinn’t know how much. I want to be okay, but realistically I don’t see that happening any time soon, but it will in the future. As I said earlier, I feel the worst I’ve felt – worse than Ash, worse than when my sister was going through hell, because at the time I didn’t understand. Everything’s built up and I am sick of wishing for something and having it ripped away, no matter how selfish and attention-seeking it is.
Hello Elm, you got cheated on. Your relationship is over, and it will never go back to how it was before. Stop hoping, stop trying to hope, and STOP distracting yourself to try and make yourself feel more human. One day, you’ll be okay but for now you’re not and you just have to find ways to be. Oh, and your heart’s broken again.
The thought of getting with other people literally makes me feel sick. People saying that I’ll find someone else doesn’t help, at the moment, because I just don’t care. To some people it may be comforting, but for me it just reminds me of how unconfident and lonely I feel, and how everything feels as if it’s entirely destroyed and screaming around inside my head.
When I go to Paris, I’ll worry about my mental state. I’ll be nice to the girl, because she doesn’t deserve me being awful to her, as she’s human and I don’t know if I wouldn’t have done the same in her situation. I think I’ll feel worse than I do now, but that’s okay because it’s better than shutting it out. If it gets particularly and consistently bad, I WILL go and see someone, I promise.
I’ll update you on anything that happens. I’m not angry; I’m just upset and I feel like nothing will be okay, even though it will be. I just needed to get this out before I start to mend.
From Elm 🙂