Heartbreak in The City of Love

(I wrote this late last night)

Over the last two weeks, I’ve cried more than I have over the last two months. That makes me sad, except the knowledge that for most of these crying episodes, I was around people that could help me. I’m proud of myself for that.

When you’ve been cheated on, no matter if you don’t blame the person, no matter how happy you are for them – it still feels like you’re getting repeatedly smashed in the heart by a broken do-not-disturb sign, which obviously failed at keeping uou the shitty emotions. Perhaps I should be grateful for it, because if I’d have blocked it out like I did my last heartbreak, I know it would have been ten times worse.

In case you didn’t know, I went to Paris in the half term – read this post for more details. Although there were many good times, there were also some horrendous times, and I’m going to explain them to you because it wasn’t all laughter and happiness, at all.

I made a promise to S, when we spoke before Paris, that if I felt miserable I’d find someone. Whether that be him, someone like L or Violet, or even a staff member – just that I’d find someone so that I wasn’t alone. He knows how I get, that sometimes I’ll shut away and not talk because I don’t want to be a drain on anyone. For the most part, I kept that promise, remembering it when my heart hurt so badly that I wanted to break all of my fingers.

I cannot describe to you just how much emotional pain I was in when I saw – heard – them together. Though I was expecting it, preparing myself for it, nothing can prepare you for the sting, the gut-wrenching fear when you realise it’s entirely over. I felt second, terrible, because they spoke with such ease and laughed and I asked myself, “Could you EVER be like that? Could you speak like that, no, because you’re not funny and you’re just trying too hard.” And I dealt with it, until I literally couldn’t.

Crying on people makes me feel bad for them, even though I find it easier to get the tears out. I’ve always had a problem with putting myself first, because I’m just not able to do anything without asking how the other person feels, if THEY are okay, and apologising. Constantly. I said sorry when I lost my cane and cried on S, and for all the other times. I said sorry – or thought it over and over – whenever I accidentally made a pointed/despairing remark.

He has been so lovely, like you wouldn’t imagine. Because he knows me so well, he can predict how I’ll be, how much of a wreck I am. He didn’t make me feel stupid for crying, and oh for fuck’s sake here come the tears again. When I remember we’ve broken up, that nothing can be the same like THAT again, tears come spilling out of my eyes like they’re waterfalls; I know he’ll always be there for me in a friend capacity but god I just can’t.

On the first night, I cried a little on Violet, when we stayed in the first hotel. She was my constant support through all of it, and when we were actually IN Paris, we were in the boys’ room. She went out, I followed a few minutes later, and she found me. After that, I cried so much that my eyes hurt, and I told her exactly how broken I feel, my voice echoing too loud in the corridor. It had got too much, with the constant reminders, me feeling trapped and lonely and SO damn awful because I’ve been replaced, utterly, and what can I do?

That Thursday was when we went to the Eiffel Tower. Over 100 metres up, on the second floor, we stopped. S and Pansy were on the section below, I stared down at the nothingness I could see and let one tear fall. I knew that they would be having a good time, that it would be special for them because it’s Paris and it’s romantic, and all I could think about was the world away from that which I felt: I whispered to Violet, “It’s funny that Paris is the city of love, and yet my heart’s completely broken.” Others went as they came up, going to the other side of the tower – not on purpose – and that was when I sobbed my eyes out on the bloody Eiffel Tower.

That was also when John, a volunteer, found me. My tears were falling over the edge, in an oddly poetic way, and I could feel my heart bruising and shattering all over again: when I think about it, it makes me feel cold. Just remembering me standing, whispering “Mon cœur est brisée” and emitting these broken-sounding gasps that I didn’t know I could produce. They, I was pretty sure, would remember that day as something so happy, for them, when I would remember it as the day where I felt the most separated from anything. John came up to me and I told him something of what I was feeling – the obvious, that you could see in how they close they were, and the expression on my face. Nothing he couldn’t work out on his own, if he tried, and I cried whilst leaning on his shoulder and non-staring out at the air because that was all I could do. He walked with me in the tower, talking, telling me that one day I’d be okay even if that day wasn’t today.

I think that the worst crying episode I had, not counting one of the ones with S, was with Violet, her boyfriend and L. It properly hit me then what had happened, gripping L’s hand so hard I thought I’d break it, as I whispered “I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been CHEATED ON, fuck it hurts.” Because it did, and does, and sometimes I want to scream from it. I couldn’t get many words out through my tears, as I told them how empty I felt.

When it boils down to it, I’m not okay. Today, it kept on sinking in: that they’d be at school together and I wouldn’t be, that I was there helpless. I can do NOTHING. You can’t help someone’s feelings, and if they’re happy then I’m going to be happy: they deserve it. I don’t know how long it’ll take, and I’m half-crying again because I just want the pain to fucking STOP. I hate feeling like this, like my heart’s folding in on itself, like my throat’s choking me, and it makes it worse because all I want is for people to smile with each other.

I spoke to Pansy a lot. Though we don’t see each other often, I view her as a close friend, because she’s never been awful to me and she’s such a good person. The second night, we stayed up until 1:30 and talked. The next night, we stayed up until 3: I told her about Ash and remembered just why I value her. Originally, I wasn’t going to speak to her because I was much too scared, but by the second day I knew I needed to – for both her and my sake. She may not understand my pain, but she tried and that’s all that matters.

Then again, I don’t think anybody can truly understand anyone else’s pain. At the moment, the following has built up into a howling crescendo, so that in my last lesson today I felt weak and so sad that I wanted to freeze.

• I feel like I’m not good enough
• That I was NEVER good enough
• I can’t think about anyone else without wanting to disappear
• I’m asking myself why, just WHY
• You never know you’re capable of doing something until you do it, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing
• This may not be a definitive END but it’s the end of one thing and the start of another, for him
• People keep saying things that are seriously toxic to me
• I can’t forget my feelings for him
• His feelings for me are fading, and those for her are growing and I’m so glad of that, because right now he doesn’t need confusion
• He DID like me but it’s all ended now and I have to deal with it
• I’m crying again, little tears

I have strong feelings for him and that kills me. I feel as if I’m breaking, one brick at a time, and that I’m going to be left in the dust, scrabbling like a needy fuck. I don’t want to be the clingy one, but I don’t want to lose him either. I don’t want to lose him like I did Ash, where I couldn’t do anything, but where I STILL blamed myself. I can’t keep going back, but it’s not going back. He’s one of my best friends and yes, he’ll always be in the back of my mind in that capacity, but I hope it can fade. At some point. I’m not kidding myself – it won’t be quick at all – but that’s alright.

There’s too much, too many unresolved tears and feelings. I’m scared people will get sick of me, of my constant not-okay-ness, when how the fuck am I supposed to get up from this now? I’m expected to jump up, smile, tell the world I’m good in a moment but I’m not in the slightest and I can’t pretend. My work ethic has gone down the drain and I can’t exactly tell my teachers, “Sorry Miss, I’m recently single, I felt too shit to do my homework!” because that is such a bad “excuse” and they don’t care anyway.

All my fears are swarming me here, late at night, in the dark where I’m hunched over as if I’m in physical pain. It feels like I am, sometimes, the coldness of rejection and heartbreak and loneliness leaving me breathless. Where am I supposed to go? Why does it hurt THIS badly and what am I doing?

Yeah, I’ll be okay. Bright now, I’m so incredibly scared of letting go, that my tears are falling faster and it’s good that I can’t see because I wouldn’t be able to read because of it. I’ll be alright, but they are and will be before me with each other and fuuuuuck why was it me that this had to happen too?

I wish it could have lasted longer. I wish I was happier for longer, that I didn’t feel guilty for crying. He respects me though, and I respect him because he has ALWAYS told me the truth, and been the amazing boyfriend and then friend that I knew he would be.

I think I’m going to get some sleep. Paris made me feel equal parts happy and sad, and today is reserved for sadness. That’s okay.

From Elm 🙂

45 thoughts on “Heartbreak in The City of Love

  1. I am a little late on your updates and there’s something I would like to tell you. I am really sorry that you are in so much pain but at the same time this tells me that one day you are going to love someone so much, it will be unbelievable. Don’t blame your heart for loving so deep. Second I’m sure Pansy is a great girl, but I don’t believe in only good and bad people. There’s good and bad in everyone. The fact that she knew that you and S were together, there was NO need to suddenly confess her love for S. Whether she knew you or not, that was incredibly cruel. Third, they’re not going to last. Believe me love. Stealing someone’s man will not mean that he will stay for you. Stolen love isn’t trustworthy. And lastly you were in Paris with a broken heart and someday you’ll be in Paris with a healed heart. Whether you are then with someone or not. Don’t depend your happiness on anyone else other than yourself. All of these events, emotions and pain is a lesson. Life is hard and we learn that the hard way. So when life is good, we cherish every good that there is. I wish you lots of love and strength. You will get over this and you will love again someone really worth your love. And yes one day you will talk like them, as smooth and as easy and as loving.

    • I took a break for a little bit and came back to read this comment, the first I’ve read on this post, and the impact that you’ve had on me is amazing. Thank you so, so much. The sort of loving again terrifies me, to the point where I feel a little ill when I think about it, but I know that I will. I better not be scared of it, because it can be something beautiful. And I hope I can be happy, and that they will be too, and that one day I can think of them together without feeling like I’m about to cry. Thank you again, and next time I go to Paris, I hope my heart will be a little bit more healed

  2. Oh Elm. Don’t blame yourself for this because it is not your fault. There are just some people out there who think “I cheated on you and broke your heart but lets still be friends” and that will just be the case sometimes. When I broke up with my ex, we weren’t on bad terms but whenever I saw him with a girl that used to be my friend I would always get jealous and my heart would fall apart. It is good that you two have a lot of respect for each other because that means he will always care for you. However if it is making you so so upset, then maybe it is best to distract yourself from S. It is so so hard getting over someone you love so much but trust me from personal experience.. IT WILL GET BETTER. It is hard to stay positive but try something like writing down all the best and positive parts of Paris because then when you look back on it, you will remember the happy memories. I am only an email away.
    Emily x

    • Thank you, Emily; it means a lot 🙂 I know that you understand, and that I can always come to you for advice. I’m just trying to hold on, remembering all of the positive things rather than drowning in the negatives. Memories of funny things. Also, I’m not sure whether I will distance myself – he still an amazing person and an amazing friend and always will be, but getting over somebody is so difficult

  3. Elm I am so sorry you have to be going through this. Just know that along with all your amazing friends, you have me and everyone else here in the blog world. Sending big hugs and love!

  4. alas, everything will be ok! trust me i went through a shitty ass breakup in summer and it took me a while but now im over it, and soon you will be too! you just know that if you ever wanna talk about anything literally just text me xxx

  5. Oh, Elm. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, you 100% do not deserve it, and you shouldn’t be going through this much shit. It makes me so sad to hear that you’ve been going through this, and I wish you weren’t.
    You shouldn’t be feeling this way, as you have done nothing but love and show kindness and it so sad to see a heart as good as yours sad and broken by someone who you cared for so deeply.
    I’m not an expert with heartbreak, but I hope that in time you can heal from this. It sounds like you have great people to rely on, and don’t be scared to lean on them, it may seem like you’re bothering them to yourself, but they understand. The understand your pain, and you aren’t burdening them at all and you shouldn’t hesitate to talk to anyone, in person, or via your blog / email.
    Don’t hesitate to email me, or anyone about this,
    Lu ❤

    • I won’t hesitate, I promise. Thank you for always, always being here for me and supporting me 🙂 I am very very sad still, but I’m getting through it as best I can, and it’s really good that neither of us hate each other. That, I’m holding onto. Your comment was really really lovely to read 🙂

  6. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this💔 i’ve never been cheated on before or really had my heart broken by someone who i was in a relationship with so the pain you’re going through is unimaginable for me. Sending you love and support❤️❤️❤️

  7. You are good enough. You always will be Elm, you are a wonderful wonderful person. Look at this in perspective. The world is a huge place, full of beautiful things and people. This is one person and it may hurt like fuck but there is so much beauty in the rest of the world. There is so much more for you to explore and do, so many more people to meet. I am so so sorry that this has happened to you, because you are so worth it and you should never doubt that. But just remember that there is so much more love and beauty for you to find. Sending you lots of hugs sweetie ❤❤

    • Thank you so much 🙂 I’ll try to hold on to what you said. And I believe you, though it’ll take time for me to properly absorb it – I’m still in a lot of pain, wondering why the fuck it’s happened to me, but that’s natural. Thanks again for being your amazing self

  8. It makes me so sad that you’re feeling this way 😦 You deserve more than what he gave you, I hope you know and believe that because you’re still and will always be one of the most genuine, awesomest people that I know. I’m really proud of you for letting yourself feel and you’re not bottling your emotions. Just keep surrounding yourself with people you love and remember heartbreak doesn’t last forever.

    • I’m so glad that you’re here to support me. I’ll try and remember it, though I’m scared that all of the little cracks that have appeared in my heart over the last year have finally broken it completely. And I don’t want that to happen, because I want to be okay at some point in the future. Again, thanks for always being here; I need people like you in my life

      • I know it feels like that but this heartbreak will get better. If heartbreak were to last forever, most of us won’t be where we are today. You will be okay. But if you have to cry and feel and be angry then do that first because it will help make you feel better. I’ll always be here for you, I hope you won’t forget that 🙂

  9. You’re right, Elm, it’s absolutely okay. It’s not your fault that he cheated on you. At all. And it’s completely okay for you to be upset and confused about it. No one’s getting tired of you; we all want to be here for you as much as possible, whenever you need it, and I’m sure that’s true of your real-life friends too. I won’t tell you to move on or that this is silly, because it’s absolutely not, and you shouldn’t listen to anyone who tells you either one of those things. You have every right to not really know where you’re going next, and all you can do is take your time and just take it day by day. I’m sorry this is such awful advice! But of course, you know you can always email me or contact me on Twitter or whatever if you need to talk. I’m always here for you!

    • You know what – you really are. You always have been, right from the start, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that. People like you are the reason I keep writing, the reason I keep smiling on a day-to-day basis. I’m still so hurt, just wondering why the hell I feel like this and if I’ve done anything wrong, but everybody is helping me. It’s what I need. Thank you so, so much, and it means a lot to me that you have just read A lot of my posts because it shows that you care.

      • I’m so, so glad. 🙂 As you should be, and it will only get better.
        I’ve been neglecting my email and I missed a bunch of posts, so I wanted to catch up on what had been happening with you.

  10. Oh my god Elm I just realized I’m a little late on your updates. I just wanted to tell you that neither you nor the girl deserve to be just a choice for someone. You aren’t just an option. I’m really happy that S didn’t hide the truth from you. Trust me that would have hurt much much more. I also just wanted to say that pain isn’t permanent and the universe works in mysterious ways. I’m sure all this heartbreak will be made up for. At least, this always happens for me. I mean, if Monday was a bad day then Tuesday happens to be the best in that week. You’ll get past this eventually and when you do, maybe you’ll realize it’s all for the best and your can truly be happier elsewhere.
    PS: I distinctly remember a certain threat I issued for S ;).You really seem to respect his a lot so I’m going to keep silent for now. Do tell me in case you need any help haha

    • I think your comment is one of the best I’ve ever received on my website 🙂 seriously, thank you so much – I’m still not feeling great at all and managing I suppose the only thing I have to hold onto right now is that things will be better, one day. And don’t worry: if he starts to be
      Awful, I’ll let you know! I remember that threat as well. Thanks again 🙂

  11. Found your post by searching for heartbreaks cuz i didnt wanna feel alone..i didnt wanna know i was the only one stupid enough to fall for love..as i read ur words,sth stiffened…i dun knw what..it just felt like sth was stuck on my throat…i alwaz thought same tht i wasnt good enough, maybe i didnt love enough..tell him enough tht i loved him tht he found someone else more comforting over me whom he has been for over 5 years..it sucks u knw..to be here..all u can ask are what ifs and why me..but we wont get those answers.. i donr know how to end this..but all i can say is u r not alone.. things will get better.. thts wat i hopd each day

    • You’re never alone. Thanks for your comment – it helped me to. Just remember that if you ever need anybody to talk to you, I am here. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re the only one, to feel like nothing will ever be okay again – I’m going through that right now. So thank you 🙂

  12. Elm I’m so proud of you and I know you’re probably going ‘Why?’ but you’re still friends with S even though he cheated on you and broke your heart. This pain will go away and you are good enough!

  13. I am late with my comment (sorry for that) but time does heal everything. Even months later, I can still identify with your pain my love and I’m sorry you had to go through that. 🙂 We all go through it, and female to female-you’ll push through and come out bigger and better than ever. xoxo

    • Thank you so, so much. The fact that you just take time out of your day to comment on a post from so long ago means the world. Surprisingly, it still hurt, even when I think about it. Oh well: Time will heal everything, but it might just take quite a long time

      • It’s been almost a year since my last breakup & three weeks since my last heartbreak with a completely different soul. The last scenario still stings to think about but it happened. The best thing you can always do is think of everything you’ve taken away from the relationship & by thankful you’ve grown from it. It’s all a part of licking your wounds. Think you’ve just given me another topic for my next blog. Lol. Feel free to check mine out! Think you can get comfort from knowing you’re not alone.

      • You’re definitely right. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll check your posts out 🙂 thanks again for the comfort; it’s great to know that you know how I feel. Also, I hope you’re okay XX

  14. I can totally relate to how bad Heartbreak can be. I have never been in a relationship let alone cheated on – but it hurts like hell. When that one guy that means the world to you suddenly stops caring. It feels like your world is collapsing. I really do hope things do get better. (Sorry I’m late!)

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