I’ve figured out that at the moment, I’m finding it pretty much impossible to trust anyone in THAT way.
The ambiguous “that”, which reminds me of a pointed nudge or a meaningful stare in the eye, refers to relationships. All aspects: partly emotionally, but mostly physically right now. Because of all of it, I’ve come to the (sensible) conclusion that I really, really shouldn’t involve myself with anyone in that sense for a long time.
I do not trust anyone, at all, to not hurt me. My fragile mental state, where I’m balanced somewhere between okay and so far from okay that it almost doubles back, means that anything could tip me off the edge. Paranoia, coupled with an endless clingy tendency, leaves me constantly wondering why the fuck people would care about me. That isn’t healthy, especially in a relationship.
It’s not anything to dwith the people I’ve been in relationships with. They are lovely, and have been nothing but kind and considerate towards me, but it’s just that I can’t deal with romantic physical “intimacy” (that word makes me feel sick) or emotional attachment.
My body is another thing. If you want to be physically WITH someone, you need to trust that they won’t make you feel like shit. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve separated the physical from feelings, and that’s totally okay, because sometimes you need that. There’s no use in judging people for it, because at the end of the day, it could make them happy which is so importan!. However, it gets to a point where though you trust them, you don’t trust yourself. I don’t trust me not to do something idiotic, or to destroy my feelings. I already feel urgh enough as it is, so adding to that would just break me a bit.
Who am I kidding? There is literally NO way I could have anything with anybody right now. For one, I’m so damaged from the past year of crap that anything else would confuse me and make me worse. For another, I recently became single, and you always need time to process that and deal with the loss with something. Thirdly, my mistrust of whoever would be unfortunate enough to have something with me would impact negatively on both of us.
Even if I still have feelings for S, I know that nothing will happen with us in the future, which is helping me recover a bit. It stings like hell and I want to cry a lot of the time, but Iw be able to smile one day. I’m drowning in memories but at some point, they’ll become happy ones and I won’t flinch at the thought of anyone kissing me.
I want to tell you something. Your body is your own, and don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. What you do is your choice, no one else’s; with every “physical” thing I’ve had, I’ve made it very clear to the person in question that if either of us felt pressured, you should talk about it.
In the not too distant future, I might get caught up in the moment and kiss someone (but honestly who would be willing to do that) or get momentary feelings, but that would start a whole other cycle of horrendousness. I’m not at all prepared to deal with that, not so soon after I’ve had my heart smashed.
I dislike my body, particularly now. Others have let me have confidence in myself, like you guys, but that’s all been thrown out of the window as my feelings of inadequacy have surfaced again. The thought of someone seeing my body, now, calling me beautiful, saying I’m perfect – it makes me feel ill. That unsettled feeling would be totally detrimental in any situation, emotional or physical.
I know that not everyone will hurt me. But how can I not help feeling defensive, worried, when I’m always thinking I’m being ignored/ hated by many people? Perhaps it’s irrational, but that’s how my thoughts operate.
Letting you glimpse a bit of my mind has helped me sort things out. This post may be a bit disjointed, but my point is this: if you feel you’re not ready for something, the likelihood is that you aren’t. Don’t force yourself to do something JUST because it seems right, or just because it’s in the moment. Think about it: will it make you happy, or will you be always on edge?
I’m strong enough to think of myself. It’s NOT wrong, not stupid, and I should never do something that will shove my feelings aside. I hope I can remember that, because S and Pansy taught me that I’m actually important to them.
I’m not saying that I’ll never trust again, because I know someone will arrive who’ll let me have faith in them not to rip my heart into shreds. That day isn’t today, though, and it won’t be for a while. I need to stick to my logic and realise that I’m NOT in any state to physically be with anyone. Or emotionally.
That’s okay. Life isn’t all about romance, and it isn’t all about that type of love.
From Elm 🙂