If I Shout Loud Enough

For the past hour, I’ve been on the edge of a complete emotional breakdown. Crying, sobbing, overwhelming pain – I can feel it just behind my eyes and in my heart, but it hasn’t broken out yet.

I suppose a total breakdown is overdue. I haven’t had one in two weeks – not since I saw S last – and that has made it so that now, I feel empty and numb. God knows how I’ll write this post, because earlier I was burning up with such sadness that I could barely breathe.

As stupid as this sounds, I feel like not many people properly care about me. That’s the root of the problem, isn’t it? But it’s not even that.

I know that people care about me. When it comes to the S situation, though, I feel as if I’m shouting into a void where no one’s listening. You guys listen, and about three of my friends, but apart from that? I don’t know who to turn to. In short, I don’t know what to do.

Two nights ago, I cried. Pitiful sobs, tears sliding down my face and onto my pillow, and it was the most awful feeling in the world. Then and now, I felt hollow and like my heart was bursting. It’s rare that I cry on my own, but there was an exception for that night; nobody knew about it because I was ashamed.

It hit me earlier that I feel attention-seeking. I am lonely, even when surrounded by people, but I feel like if I say something, people will laugh at me and not do anything about it. That goes for everything else – when does my pain get “old”? When do people no longer want to hear about it, when do they get sick of me constantly going on about it?

This specific worry has caused me to shut myself off a little. At the moment, I genuinely don’t think I’m worth the effort of having people ask me if I’m okay, yet still my little heart begs for it. I find that awful, but what else can I do?

“You alright?”
“Yep, I’m fine!” but they see the slight not-fine on my face. I’ve managed to hide most of it, so that people don’t see the true extent of how I feel inadequate, like I’m nothing. It’s payed off, because I can distract myself, but on days like these I can’t hold the raw hurt back.

It’s not that I blame S or Pansy – though I was cheated on, it wasn’t them that created this chaos in my head. Rather, it’s the situation plus all of the things that have happened over the past year, building up into a crescendo of god-awful mental health. If this carries on, I’ll become much more concerned, and I’ll get help for it even if I don’t think I deserve it.

Why I’m Feeling Awful
• I’m pretty sure I’m being ignored by a fair few people and I can’t deal with that because I’m pathetic
• I can’t move on at all
• Every day they’ll be making happy and funny memories with each other and I won’t be
• I miss multiple people so much that I feel cold
• I tried to finish a song that I’m performing tomorrow and I couldn’t and now I feel disgusting
• I know that I’m overreacting
• I’m scared that I’m going to scratch at myself
• I’m scared that I want to

One day, I’ll be okay but I’m so far from that now that I can’t kid myself that it’ll be soon. All of this has had far-reaching consequences on my mental state, such as the growing fear that I’ll never be enough for anyone and that I should give the fuck up. I’m half-laughing because never would I have thought this would be how I’d be feeling.

Why is it like this? Why do I feel so helpless, and why do I want to show people that? I shouldn’t, because that’s manipulative and cruel, but I suppose that’s human nature.

I’m shaking; tears are finally spilling over. Good. Maybe if I cry, it can get the misery out a bit. All I can feel is this dull pain whenever I think of them together, because I’m so drained. I’m not happy and they are and hell, the reality of that feels like a mark on my skin.

Replacement makes you feel shit. I want to be enough, to be held and loved but I can’t deal with that. My thoughts are ragged and alone and huddled in a corner because I’ve let them out. Not being able to write that song today caused the most accute feeling of self-hatred, further amplified by the knowledge that how I spoke to him before will never happen again.

I don’t know how to explain how truly bad I feel, but I hope I’ve shown you a little. It’s good that you can get inside my head, that you respect me enough to read my posts.

Perhaps if I scream loud enough, someone will hear. Perhaps if I stay silent, people can move on with their lives and love who they want to love without feeling guilty because of me. Because really, am I worth anything? I was a first, and the first is never usually the last.

I have no clue.

From Elm 🙂

34 thoughts on “If I Shout Loud Enough

  1. literally me as I write this. some of my irl theatre friends were messing around on my phone and found my blog Twitter and were trying to scroll through and make fun of it and I kinda stopped them and made my account private but I’m so scared for what they might do. idk if they recognized that I wasn’t comfortable with what they were doing, I really hope so, but I’m so terrified and just about ready to start crying and have a mini break down because I don’t want them knowing about my blog because I’m scared they’ll make fun of me and be mean about it.

    • Bloody hell I know how you feel. Have they said anything? I’m so sorry for not replying for four days – I’ve been really busy. But the thought of someone finding my blog makes me literally feel ill. And if they make fun of you, then they don’t understand you

      • yeah they haven’t, I wrote it off as an old account I hadn’t used in awhile but I’m still nervous. and you’re totally fine, I’ve been crazy busy as well 🙂

  2. being replaced is the worst feeling!! i wish it wasn’t a thing, but i guess thats life right?? you deserve to feel sad and upset, dont you dare hide that!! these things that happened to you make you turn out to be a stronger human being in the end.. so cry about it now, its okay… i promise it will make you stronger.
    xo,
    me

    • I really, really hope so. I want to be strong, but I’m scared – does that make sense? Thank you so much for your comment, though; it made me feel a bit happier 🙂 Having the support of people like you makes it less unbearable. Crying is okay, feeling terrible is fine – I need to remember it.

  3. I get the same feeling. I find it hard to tell people when I’m feeling really bad because I feel like I am always going on about my own pain again and again and its too repetitive. So then I am just trapped in this dark place alone. Just know you are not alone. We cab all hear you, always ❤

  4. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this but just remember you’re not alone, you’ve got everyone on here, me included, that support you and want to help you no matter what. You shouldn’t hide your feelings, and I know how hard it is to do, but it will make you feel a lot better. Hope you don’t blame yourself for it because you’re such a wonderful person who’s always there for everyone x

    • I hope I won’t end up blaming myself! I know, though, that I have you here and that is so meaningful to me. You are a wonderful person, and when I feel like shutting down, I have this blog. Thank you xxx

      • Awww, thank you! By the way, you don’t have to feel like you can’t write everything on your blog just because it’s not happy, knowing that we can help you if only slightly makes us happy. Writing those kind of blog posts could help you a lot and that’s what we honestly want! Xx

  5. It almost like you said everything I was thinking and everything I was feeling only just last night. I relate to pretty much everything you said. I feel less alone now….thank you

  6. Hi Elm,
    You’re such a decent person, people who are taking you for granted are probably missing out. It’s difficult when you feel isolated by your friends, it hurts and you feel so alone. My best advice would probably be to start developing friendships with other people outside of your usual group. By no means am I suggesting that dropping everything and starting from scratch is a good idea (it isn’t!), but by investing in other acquaintances, it gives you some company when you feel rejected by your usual friends.
    Good luck, I’ve been in that sort of situation too many times, and it’s sucks.
    If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here 🙂
    Gx

    • Ohh thank you so much, Georgie. Your advice has helped me – I still feel alone, and as if I’m slowly slipping away from my friends, but I’ll be alright. I’ll try my best to also expand my friendships – I can’t leave people beheab having a good support base is a great thing to do. Thanks again 🙂 xx

  7. Hey Elm,
    Just wanted to say that I understand the overwhelming sadness you’re feeling, although I feel mine for different reasons. You’re in a tough situation, and it’s normal to feel all those negative things–sadness, despair, or even resentment. It might be hard for you to get out of this now, but just remember that you are loved and you are awesome, no matter how you might think of yourself at the moment. There are people that care deeply about you, they just don’t know how to help you. Don’t be afraid to seek help, even professional help if you feel the need. A counsellor or a therapist often has a different way of dealing with problems and I feel that they are more likely to see things in a more neutral light. I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better, but please remember that I care about you, and so do a lot of your readers. I’m here for you if you need anything. Lots of love ❤

    • You’ve just brightened up my evening. I wouldn’t say I’m okay, or even close to it, but comments like yours make things less awful inside my mind. I’m really considering professional help because like you said, they can be more neutral and their thoughts aren’t clouded with the personalities of the people in question. Thank you SO much for your comment; I know that one day, I’ll be alright, but it’s okay if that day isn’t now.

      • Dang, I thought WordPress had eaten up my comment so I posted the comment twice and spelt my name wrong the second round. Anyway, I’m glad I managed to make thing feel less awful. I do hope you find a way to deal with this, and feel better soon.
        Don’t forget to take care of yourself, not only mentally but also physically. xo

      • I’ll do my best! It’s not easy but I’ll try 🙂 thanks again for your support – and don’t worry about posting a comment twice! 😂

  8. Hey Elm,
    Just wanted to say that I understand the overwhelming sadness you’re feeling, although I feel mine for different reasons. You’re in a tough situation, and it’s normal to feel all those negative things–sadness, despair, or even resentment. It might be hard for you to get out of this now, but just remember that you are loved and you are awesome, no matter how you might think of yourself at the moment. There are people that care deeply about you, they just don’t know how to help you. Don’t be afraid to seek help, even professional help if you feel the need. A counsellor or a therapist often has a different way of dealing with problems and I feel that they are more likely to see things in a more neutral light. I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better, but please remember that I care about you, and so do a lot of your readers. I’m here for you if you need anything. Lots of love ❤

  9. Elm, you’re a strong person. I just know this! Maybe, you’re just thinking that people ignore you but they’re not. Maybe they’re thinking of having a conversation with you but can’t think of a topic. Let’s be positive. You can move on but not just now. Moving on takes time. Also, please please don’t scratch yourself. Just no please. You’ll regret it.

    Elm, you’re strong, bold and tough. You can handle this. Keep your chin up!

  10. I’m very sorry to hear you’re feeling so shit but I propose this; as someone you don’t know well at all but who’s blog usually presents a rather apathetic view of life I think I can offer you a good place to vent your feelings and I’d love to help anyway I can. The anonymity you have with me will hopefully be a massive help, so, and I mean this with absolute sincerity, e-mail me (OTwordpress@hotmail.com). Plus, I’m a good listener 🙂

    • You know what? I will. I promise you, I will, and I have to thank you for being so lovely. For reaching out, as someone who doesn’t really know me? That shows the mark of a great person. I hope you know that you are brilliant, and I’ll tell you that if you ever don’t believe me 🙂

  11. You’re not going over reacting, you are being perfectly reasonable. You were cheated on and I admire you for not hating them, it shows how kind and loving you are towards others. You will find someone who will love you and make happy memories with you. Someone will care for you and will never do anything to hurt you. You will find someone but this isn’t the time. You have years and years of life left and so many happy memories to be made with people you may not even know yet. We love you Elm and don’t ever forget that. We don’t find you attention-seeking. I think you’re such a strong young woman 🙂 xx

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