1 Month and I’m No Better

Around this exact time, it’s a month since everything officially went to hell with my love life. A month. Admittedly to my surprise, I feel no better: in fact, cumulitively over the past few weeks, it’s all been screaming inside my mind.

If you don’t know what’s been happening, it’d be good to read this post and if you have time, posts relating to that situation, but that’s the starting point.

Oh my god; it actually happened. They kissed, a month ago, and even though there had been little breaks in my heart in the week before that, that night was when it finally shattered.

It’s a month since I told someone that I wanted to die, pacing up and down my room and gasping like I was choking, unable to comprehend truly how fragile I felt. How everything – not just this – had built up, into an unbearable chasm that tore itself around the edges. That feeling of wanting to die has surfaced more, emphasised by the fact that I haven’t properly spoken about this in a while except to two people (who helped me).

I am horrified. Silent tears in Paris are invading my mind, an embrace I wish meant more, but could never again. All of the negativity over the last year has roared into a crescendo. It’s almost too much, so I’m dealing with it all now.

Last night, and the night before, I cried so hard that my heart felt like it was bursting. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why this had to happen to me, why he couldn’t be a shittier person – because that would make it easier. Why now, I’m being ignored and why I feel so fucking lonely.

When I think about it, I’m terrified of my mind. There’s a history of bad mental health in my family, and I’ve been known to get violent towards myself and I don’t want that to turn into anything serious. At the moment, I can barely write through a haze of worry and panic and half-numbness.

I am not okay. I’m not alright; I sobbed a few minutes ago until I didn’t feel like me any more. Remembering everything, drowning in memories that were half-lovely and half-shards of pain, because how am I supposed to pick myself up? I’m wishing for something long gone and god, I want these awful attention-seeking tears to stop.

My hands clenched into fists, trying to reconcile with myself that this wasn’t even a noteworthy or serious thing. That really, being alone where I could let tears slide down my face was preferrable to anyone seeing me that way.

The heart of the matter is that I want the people that are involved with this situation to care, but at the same time, I want them to forget about me so that they can find happiness. I want them to know I’m sad, but i don’t because they don’t deserve to and I’m just one person. S and Pansy are wonderful people, and it’s just me here bitter and so miserable that I want to tear out my hair.

How did it come to this? When I thought I would be okay, in the days after, I envisioned me in a month’s time finding it easy to smile. I knew that it would take time, but I didn’t expect me to still be crying now.

What burns is that he’s moved on and I haven’t. I can’t. I still have feelings, stupid illogical feelings, and it hurts when my friends tell me he’s nothing but a dick because he isn’t. He has always told me the truth, and I’m not deluded into thinking like I did with Ash because I know the signs of that.

I’m not naive about THIS. I know exactly what messaging him and receiving no reply does to me; I know what it’s like when I think of them together, because they’re travelling with each other this weekend. When I realised that, I knew that my mind would invent scenarios of them being happier that I could ever be, and that started the cycle of me remembering I’d been replaced with a girl who’s a brilliant person.

The laughter. The good memories. They’ll have it, and I had it and I don’t any more. That simple reality is choking me, because I miss him and I miss it and I miss my easy smiles. Simple, solitary things remind me of it all: a certain phrase, someone talking a little like him, anything: it sets me off into a spiral of sadness that I can’t stop.

At school, I pretend to be at least semi-fine. Otherwise, I’ll break down, and never be able to get up again. My work’s okay, but I can’t pretend to be great any more. Not when I feel like the people that matter don’t care, when deep down, I know they do. It’s just everything in my mind telling me that when I cry, people are only pretending to help. That if I stop, nobody will remember.

I don’t blame myself for this, but I still hate myself. My clinginess, the fact that I’ve completely neglected my friends; I’ve shut myself off. It’s high time I realised that it’s over, get the hell over it, and stop my heart from feeling so incredibly void of love.

Why did I have to get cheated on? Why am I left behind; why do I still want to disappear? Only for a second – not permanently – but it’s still there. It’s not healthy and I want to get help. In fact, that’s something I will definitely do, because at the moment I need it.

I can’t be expected to let go right now. I’m too utterly screwed over from everything, and I almost don’t want to lose feelings for him yet because I’d be forcing it, and that would be worse. It’s important that I give myself time, that I ldon’t make myself do anything, because time heals all wounds.

I wish I could tell you that I’ll be happy soon, but I won’t. I’m just going to hold on and I know you’ll be here, as you have been for everything.

I’m sick of it. Sick of feeling broken, sick of being broken, and sick of feeling like everything I say is so melodramatic and over-the-top. Without me there, without even the thought of me, they’ll forget and move on and that’s good. I don’t want to taint anything, because at the root of it, I just want them to live and smile and love. If I’m just a speck on the indefinable horizon for them, it’s just life, and it will be okay.

There’s no conclusion to this. No “don’t worry about me” because as much as I believe you shouldn’t, I couldn’t change your mind if you are. No “this is what I’m going to do”, because right now I don’t care; maybe soon I can figure it out but all I want to do is cry.

No “I’ll find someone else” because I don’t want to. I can’t move on at the flick of a switch, and I’ve suppressed so many emotions over the last few months that they’re all going to come back and overload me.

I’m just going to be, and not pretend I’m doing good. I’m not – not yet, though I know I will be. Showing that to you will help me, in the end.

Love from Elm πŸ™‚

45 thoughts on “1 Month and I’m No Better

  1. If it does provide any consolation to you darling i have been going through the same. But trust me you will get better…better with time. You will pull yourself together…..learn to live with his memories without crying and life will just move on.

      • Sometimes, the person is right but the time isn’t. He may be worth your love but he wasn’t capable of returning it. Sometimes it’s better to let go of people and feelings because a palm can’t hold onto things unless the fingers decide to curl upon them. He was analogous to fingers here. You may feel drained right now but try to rejuvenate yourself. Do things that make you happy, engage yourself in things productive. And since you love to write, i would suggest write it down about him, about your memories together, all the things that went down till the time you separated. That will help you to face things sqarely. That’s my personal remedy i am sharing with you. Since i started writing about him, i have been better. Hope that helps you! Love, XOXO. πŸ™‚

  2. Don’t try to hard but do your best till you can. Don’t push yourself and no boy is worth it for your cries. Don’t let him ruin you! I hope you will feel better about yourself soon and I really like reading your blogs! -N

    • I’m so glad that you do; that makes me happy. Thank you so much for your advice – I’m just carrying on, trying not to hate myself. It’s hard but I will be okay one day and I’ll hold onto that xx

  3. One thing I’ve learnt (as I have previously had my heart smashed into a million pieces, left feeling like I’d never be okay again) is that time honesty heals everything. It will hurt and it will be raw right up until you suddenly wake up thinking “I’m over it.” There’s nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better (though they’ll try because you don’t deserve to feel like this) but in time it’ll be okay. It took me about a year to get over my ex and honestly, I wouldn’t go back there for anything. The worst part is them moving on, but concentrate on yourself and those who love you and I promise you will be okay. Keep on going because we all believe in you. Feel better soon! (I also want to say how much I love your writing style, it’s just a pleasure to read your posts) lots of hugs! -Violet xo

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I really hope I’ll get better, but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I’m still feeling utterly drained, and utterly terrible and I wish it would just stop for a second. But the one thing I have to hold onto his people like you, who help me, and tell me the things that are logical and that make sense. I need logical things. Thanks again and I’m I’m so glad that you liked my post and that you’re here XX

  4. It’s okay not to move on quickly, and it’s definitely okay to let yourself feel sad and not feel guilty about it. Slowly the feelings will dissipate, and although it may not be as quickly as you like, it will happen and you won’t feel this way anymore. I really hope you feel better soon and if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you! Xxx

    • Thank you so much, as ever πŸ™‚ You’re right, but I’m finding it so hard to believe when I feel like this constantly. It’s like it’s hanging over me, and I feel so incredibly guilty all the time for things I haven’t even done. It’s ridiculous to me, but I’ll be okay. And if you ever need anything as well, then let me know XXX

  5. i’m so sorry for this, and take all the time you need, no one can tell you how long it should take before you feel better, and trust me you will one day though it feels like that day will never come i’m sure. mark my words, it will come and you deserve someone who will be true to you and give you everything. he is not the one. hugs

    • I hope I do deserve someone like that. It does hurt so much – I wasn’t expecting it to. But thank you so much; I need people like you to make me realise that I am actually worth something.

  6. I ALWAYS FEEL SO BAD BC YOU’RE LIKE ‘I CRIED A LOT LAST NIGHT’ AND WE TALK LIKE EVERY NIGHT, I KNOW IM ASLEEP A LOT BUT LIKE TEXT ME and i’ll reply at three am, if ur my own personal cheer squad then its only fair that im the same for u ❀

  7. I’m so sorry for this.I have just lost a loved one,and it was heart-breaking.I cried and went into a depression for around 3 weeks.The best thing to do is surround your self with love,family,and laughter.

  8. Elm, I just want to hug you. I don’t know her but I don’t see why he’d leave you: a sweet, funny, smart and just an amazing person in general. If you ever feel like crying, just let it all out. For me, after crying comes the feeling that you want to show everyone what you’re made of. I think it would help to tell your friends everything and not pretend you’re ok, you may feel right now that you want to be alone but deep down you’re most likely screaming for them to help and tell you that what you’re feeling is ok. You could try drawing when you feel really upset as this allows you to have control over what’s happening and gives a calming feel, or you could just do random patterns on the paper.
    Always here for you if you need help or just want to talk xxx

    • Thank you so much – you showed me, out of everyone, that you really really care and that means so much to me. I’m going to try writing to get my pain out, or singing, and maybe putting a blog recording up at some point! That’ll be nice πŸ™‚ in fact, I might do a cover right now. If I can do it this evening, then it might help me. Thanks again XX

      • That’s because I do care! That would be great, I’d love to hear it! Personally, I’d love to do it but it would put people in a lot of pain if they heard me sing, unless a strangled cat being sat on by a pregnant walrus is your favourite kind of singing voice, of course. Np, anytime! Xx

  9. Hey Elm, listen I don’t really know the whole situation you’re in right now, but even if you don’t think you’re doing good, you are. You’re obviously strong if you’ve made it this far. I’ve never been good with words, but I can tell you this; God has got your back, and all of your followers have got your back. You have created a blog that you let yourself flow into, you reveal your flaws, and guess what? Every single one of us still loves you. Our flaws and emotions are what make us human, and they’re strangely and uniquely beautiful. I ask you to do one thing before I go….smile for me πŸ™‚ even the smallest smile can change your world if for just one day. But that’s a step. Smile. Love you Elm😘
    Love and prayers,
    Gayle❀️

    • I love you too πŸ™‚ Thank you so so much; your words mean the world. I’m trying to keep my head up, trying to keep as positive as I can πŸ™‚

      • From where I’m standing, you’re doing a great job, Elm😊 Just keep doing what your doing and even through the ups and downs you’ll push through. You’re a strong and brilliant young lady, and I feel privileged to know that someone like you even exists and I feel honored to have the opportunity to help you and get to know you😊 Aww thank you so so much, that’s very sweet of you!
        Love and prayers,
        -Gayle❀️

  10. Oh please take care of yourself and don’t be too harsh. None of this is really your fault, but I really think you need to distract yourself now. Try to forget. Fangirl on Tumblr, jam out to songs, call your friends over for a slumber, lock your bedroom and just dance out all your troubles. Take six baths in a day if you want to and laugh as much as you can. Laugh over the stupidest, tiniest details. Try to talk about other things. You’ll get over him soon enough and please tell me if you want to talk about something. About anything at all, anything to stop you from thinking about him. Don’t waste your tears on the sad moments. Save them for the happier ones. We’re all always here.
    A tight hug and lots of love,
    Julie

    • I’m not sure why but I have happy tears in my eyes because of this. You are truly someone who can cheer me up, in the simplest of ways – by distracting me, with lovely comments like that. And remember that if you ever need to talk, I’m also here. Thank you so, so much XX

  11. I’ve just written a comment elsewhere but I don’t think I’m finished yet. You see, I feel that perhaps you need to allow yourself to properly grieve. As in, give yourself time to process the break up. I know it’s been like a month but in the grand scheme of things, that’s relatively short, and the impression I get is that you’ve tried so hard but now it’s as if the walls are closing in. I am here to support you/help you in pushing them back out. You’re a smart, sensible girl and I sincerely believe that you can be gentler with yourself. You’re lovely. Truly lovely. And I’m sorry I’ve been so silent, too. Genuinely, my bad.

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