Recently, I feel like I’ve been drowning in a sea of painful thoughts, tears and too much chocolate (I like eating it – what can I say?). I kicked myself today when I thought that everything was terrible and that nothing positive had happened, because that’s a complete lie. With every shitty cloud comes the sliver of a silver lining.
I caught up with Pine today as we walked down to assembly. She’s a really old friend of mine; we became friends in year 7. I’ve missed her immensely, and within 20 minutes or so we had updated each other on everything, and how we felt. With her, I can state things in a matter of fact way and not cry about it, and she can tell how I’m feeling without me having to say it. Talking to her helped, because all I had to say was “Everything is shit inside my head” and she understood. She’s one of the people who can cheer me up just with a simple comment, and I felt closer with her than I have in a long time.
The four other girls in French are lovelier than ever. Last Friday, we worked on a presentation together which was broken up with laughter and general confusion over vbers. What remained constant was the companionship, and the joint goal of getting it done: we worked as a cohesive group, none of us taking over as leader because we all knew’ instinctually, how to work together, despite being so different. To be included like that, when I’m used to working on my own, was amazing: we sat together, laughed without worrying about judgement from others, and social groups didn’t matter then because we were working. My heart filled up with so much love for them because they make me feel welcome, not clunky and awkward in the things that I say.
My Critical Thinking class is pretty amazing. I sit next to Swan – someone I’ve got much closer with, from my friendship group – and around me are people I’d never ordinarily speak to. In the lesson, we have debates about politics – or rather one guy insulting the Labour party’s ideology constantly and me getting angry – and our teacher rarely gets pissed off when we get sidetracked, because she then brings what we’re talking about into the lesson as an example. I love working like that – having my thoughts listened to by a teacher, and being able to speak without feeling stupid, even if my arguments are usually bullshit. A boy that I had the largest and most superficial crush on ever in year 8 sits in front of me, and we’ve been speaking a bit more – just a comment here and there – and I think he finally sees me as a human rather than that blind girl. I laugh at myself whenever I talk to him because it’s so surreal; 13-year-old Elm wouldn’t have been able to string a sentence together.
For the first time ever this year, I got an A in an essay that I’d written. It was for English, on The Great Gatsby; I finished it last night, and worked so incredibly hard on it. I may have taken longer than you were supposed to, but my confidence had taken a hit when I realised that my essays for the poetry section were well below standard, and so I put extra effort into this one. It payed off; when my teacher told me that she was blown away by the way I expressed my arguments, I was nearly in tears. I’ll update my poetry essays, and work on practicing ones for French and History too. Perhaps this will give me the push I need to get properly motivated.
By no means are my thoughts amazing right now, but it’s not all bad. There’s sunshine somewhere, even if it’s just a dot of it. I’ll take all I can get right now.
Hold onto the positives. Through the slight tears I’m inevitably going to cry tonight, I’ll remember the laughter and smiles” There are so many more positive memories, little snapshots of images, but I’ll leave you with these for now.
My heart still hurts but it isn’t all filled up with misery. I’ve got a chamber for happiness, too, and I’ll keep adding to it until the echoing void I feel doesn’t seem quite so insurmountable.
From Elm 🙂