I Cry for What We Had

I sat down to write this post and just burst into tears.

It’s partly because I don’t know how to express the depth of awful feelings I’m holding, because I shut myself off from it. It feels like it’s too much, so that I have no idea where to start. It’s also because of relief: I can finally release them – not that I’ve held myself back before, but over the last week, it’s been ripping at a wall inside my mind, and I’m crying because I’m letting myself talk about it.

There was this time in Thailand where I was kind of scared because it was late, my dad and stepmother had gone out and I was in a village on my own with people I didn’t know very well. S – my ex-boyfriend – stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours. He was there, all throughout it, listening to me get slightly hysterical. That was before we properly went out, but it was a possibility then; it was before he cheated on me, and the one thing that has emained constant is that I don’t blame him for anything. He was always there and the thing that kills me is that I felt like I took him for granted, took it all for granted, and now that I don’t have it any more I’m realising how incredibly happy I was. Despite my stress at the beginning of the school year, despite my paranoia, I was happy.

All of the late night conversations are replaying in my mind: the laughter, the way he understood me, and it’s making my tears fall faster than they have in a while. There were just little things: me jokingly referring to myself as his “bitch”, the way he spoke, the knowledge that we’d still be there despite anything, his reassurances that Pansy was a good friend of his and that was it – which was true up until the day we broke up. I remember our first kiss – I suppose the pain made it come to the forefront of my mind. God, that was well over a year ago.

After I bailed on him, back in October of last year, I’d contacted him and he (rightly) hadn’t had the best response because I broke stuff off with no explanation. Then, we started speaking again and it was beautiful because I could confide in him, and he’s known me for so long that it didn’t feel forced. That simple reality – that I’ve lost that, too, though god knows if he meant for it to be lost or not – makes me remember how it was after Ash and I broke friends. I hate losing people; I hate having my trust destroyed, and I also hate not being able to blame anything. I don’t want him to feel guilty, because if he felt what I was feeling now he wouldn’t be able to be happy with Pansy and that would be awful.

In the summer, it seemed so lovely, and it was. After a year of me being a dick, I’d finally come to my senses – because he’d been there, through so much, supporting me as I did him. But like with every fairytale, this one shattered, sooner than I thought. But it’s fucking over and yes, I’m sobbing, so that I can barely breathe, but what’s the point in hoping?

The thing is, I regret none of it. I’m cherishing the good memories we had, locking them away and holding them close, not revealing what exactly happened as I did with Ash. I learned my lesson there, but still, the sharp and raw sting of rejection of worn out promises burns.

At the heart of it, I miss what we had. I don’t care when people say that one day it’ll stop hurting, because that day is not today and I want to feel this utter misery for now, because it reminds me I’m human and I’m able to deal with it. Everything has accumulated itself: I heard a song earlier that we both love, and saw his name on Facebook, and saw her name too and it just killed. Because right now, I guarantee, they are laughing with each other, or will have today. Me? I’m crying. How stupid is that?

I feel wounded, is the best description for it, because they have forgotten. For good reason: I wanted them to; they should be happy, and not worry about me because I’m a bitter little snowflake. Nobody should have to deal with my tears, the pathetic ones I cry in the dark, because I’m becoming furious with my own mind. In the end, who cares? There are much more important things to deal with, and I’ll just exist until it all passes, until I can love without wanting to die.

It is just not fucking fair. All of it. The fact that I got cheated on, that I’m so unhappy, that I’m unmotivated. The fact that it was so nice before, that I felt secure because he’s a wonderful person, whereas now I’m a wreck in a storm with an ocean that could break me into tiny pieces. Whenever I feel sad, I feel guilty and even worse because of it, because I remember our conversation when he told me they were officially together, nearly 2 weeks ago. Ever since then, I’ve been disgustingly clingy, feeling terrible when I both don’t receive replies from people and don’t reply to them myself.

I sounded so awful. He seemed exasperated, but perhaps that was my mind recreating emotions that weren’t there. I have a habit of doing that. I told him that my thoughts were “irritating”, because if I’d told him the truth – which I then did – I would cry for hours – which I then did. Come to think of it, I think that everyone is irritated with me. Either that or they’ve had enough, as I’ve had enough with myself. My pain’s getting old, and I don’t want people to have time for me because they need to move on with their lives.

I dislike myself, and you may be asking “What’s there to dislike – this isn’t your fault!” It isn’t my fault, or his or hers, because life happens and someone was going to get hurt anyway: better me than her and I still stand by that. As with everything, I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m not good enough in the slightest. I feel worthless, so much less than second best; if he liked me so much, then why did he cheat on me, and so that means that he didn’t like me much after all. That, coupled with the memories and together with my general feeling that people shouldn’t bother with me as all I’ll do is become possessive and sad, has grown into a terrifying blend of shit.

What’s holding me together? I don’t know. If he talks to me about my emotions again, it’ll probably make him feel bad or tired or guilty, and I don’t want that. I hope he uses the logic of his own mental well-being as to why he realistically shouldn’t talk to me because I care about him and I don’t want to ruin anything. But I hate things coming to an end, knowing that there’s nothing I can do.

I’m hurt. I’m so damn hurt and the worst thing is that this will happen over and over, to me and to everyone else. That brings me back: what makes me so special? What makes me worthy of any attention besides the average? Nothing because I’m just one broken girl in a sky of millions.

Breakdowns are going to happen to me for a long while, but the likelihood is I won’t advertise them. If I pretend to be okay, maybe I will be; if I tell myself that people are tired of my shit, perhaps that’ll make me stop feeling like this. I can’t, though. I have no energy.

I miss him, and I miss Pansy. I want to know how they are, but at the same time I want to scream and tear at myself, to cry but to not worry anybody. However, the sheer fact that I’m posting this shows me that I want people to notice, which is so screwed up.

This is the most disjointed thing I’ve written; I’m sorry for the nonsensical ramblings. I’m extremely done with myself, so drained, and all I want is for me to care about me. I know that a lot of you care about me, which is one of the things that helps.

No more hoping, or wishing, or thinking “What if…?” Because the what ifs are smashed and the hopes burned and the wishes were all wasted on a star that is no longer in my galaxy.

From Elm πŸ™‚

26 thoughts on “I Cry for What We Had

  1. I’m really concerned, Elm. Please email us if you need to talk. I can’t garuntee an immediate response but I’m really worried. I hope you’re okay❀️

    • Every time you comment, your thoughtfulness astounds me πŸ™‚ thank you so, so much for just being here and being concerned, almost, because it shows you’re listening. I suppose I’m okay, or as okay as my mind can get nowadays. But I will be okay πŸ™‚ XX

  2. I know you have already read the last two comments, but I am here to say the same thing. I’m sorry and everyone is special, you, me, probably everyone in the world. If you ever wanna talk or chat or something, email me. Hope you’re doing okay. I know what its like to have your own little fairy tale shattered. ❀ Annie

  3. Hey Elm, I am pretty worried about you, I did send you a message on Kik but haven’t had a reply. I am always here if you want to talk, skype or have a virtual hug Xx

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I got your message on Twitter and it was one of the loveliest things I’ve read all month. Your concern is seriously appreciated; I don’t know if it’s warranted or not because my mental health has got worse. It’s quite sad actually, but I’m managing XX

      • Sorry to hear your mental health isn’t better. If you want to chat on Twitter that’s fine with me as I have a lot of experience with mental health. Always here for you Xx

  4. Hi Elm. Thank you for your kind comment on my post earlier. I’ve had a look through your blog and it’s just so honest and relatable I had to tell you. You’ve done an absolutely amazing job on your blog and I look forward to reading your future posts. I hope we can be friends, and if you ever need anything, you know where to find me. Stay strong! Emma xoxo

    • I’ve been having a really rubbish week but when I read your comment, it put a smile on my face. To know that somebody appreciates my blog, and reads it like you do, means the world to me. I would definitely love to be friends, because you seem like such a genuine and honest person; your words have supported me and I’m glad that you’ve taken time out of your day to do so. Thank you again XX

  5. Have you tried going to a counselor or a therapist? Your sense of self seems rather erratic and all over the place. Like your brain seems to be running 100 miles an hour…I don’t think this is healthy. I hope you find some help soon!

    • I don’t think it’s healthy either and that scares me. Some days I’m okay, like today, but others I’m not and posts like that happen and I always worry I’m just making it out to be worse than it is, or that I’m attention-seeking or something. But yes, I think I need to see someone but it’s a terrifying prospect.

  6. You’re most welcome. Yeah it’s hard to open up yourself to someone. But if you have a good therapist, they can really help you out and make you feel better. The U.K. has so many free helplines and online services–I’m sure you can find something. πŸ˜‰

  7. reading your posts, i can totally relate and it scares me because i never fully understood my feelings until its right infront of me, keep up the great work with writing and thank you soooo much for this

    • No, thank YOU, for helping me to realise my words mean something. I’m sorry for not replying for ages but thank you xx

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