“I’m a generic child and so I’m going to painfully update you on all the not-so-exciting happenings of my life,” she says, as she has said a thousand times before.
My curiosity about Laurel – the new girl in my French class who I sit next to, who is awesome – is growing. It’s a muted sort of fascination, a thread of something I could reach out and grab, though I’m not sure if I want to. As I’m losing the magic of that subject, the only thing keeping me motivated are the girls in my class and how lovely they are. I made a vague joke about my sexuality today, saying “Hah well I wouldn’t have that problem,” in reference to the film we’re watching where a gay girl says to a man that she wishes he was a woman so that she could love him like that. Laurel nudged me, laughing, and my mind flitted back to Pine’s house and how we so casually traded stories about our, ermmm, romantic preferences.
See, it could grow into more, but I know that I’m much too unstable currently both in terms of emotion and in terms of work ethic. I’ve been trying, but not hard enough; I completed a french mindmap today which made me feel accomplished, but apart from that, I haven’t done much. The history essay can go to hell, and so can the three English ones I haven’t done; I’m so very tired that I can’t cope with things and it’s not just because I’ve not been sleeping as much.
However, I do have something motivating me. I signed up for a campaign opportunity, and I’m going to be interviewed for it tomorrow. I won’t give much away because of anonymity, but I want to at least try. I hope that it’ll spur me into action. That, plus the fact I’m going to talk to my History teacher tomorrow, makes me feel better about things. Just let that sink in: ME, asking for help?! I’m shocked too.
I need to catch up on the Blogger Awards nominations; I’m rather behind. Tomorrow night, I’ll devote time to doing that. I should be less stressed by then, I hope. Thanks to everyone who’s submitted nominations – remember that voting closes on the 30th!
Whenever I actually dwell on my emotional state, I feel a bit blurry as I’m never sure how I’ll be. I can go from feeling slightly motivated – translating a french passage, writing up an essay – to not wanting to do anything. Productivity will help; if I don’t make those first steps, I won’t be able to do anything.
My romantic life is still shit; I’m not going to count Laurel into that just yet because I can’t deal with that. I’m cascading between opportunities, never taking them, always remembering the truly terrifying feeling of getting my heart smashed again and again at the mere thought of my lack of happiness in contrast to their happiness. It’s stupid, I know; I’m not clinging on necessarily but it’s rather an inability to move on as the rest of my mental health is low besides that. That’s a whole other post, but all I know right now is that I’m living despite it and I’m holding onto that. I hate nobody and I think that everyone involved, now or peviously, in my “love life” are fantastic people.
I’m going volunteering with Poppy and Rose at the weekend, which will make me so much happier because I love them both so much. It’ll make me more able to do work, too, and I’ll be out in the cold – laughing and joking and screaming – and I’ll love it. Later, we’re going to decorate the Christmas tree if they agree to come round, because I want to get in the festive spirit rather than being surrounded by darkness.
Yeah, my mental health may be rather dulled recently; I may not feel secure in my friendships or relationships with anyone; I may be so tired that I’m too exhausted to do much but I’m still living and I’m still here. I’ve got ways to help myself because I am so fucking sick of feeling like this.
From Elm 🙂