So there was this hilarious time, 2 or 3 years ago, that I got a crush on someone for 1 day, simply because I liked the way they played piano in our end of year assembly.
I wish I was joking. I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times before, but today it resurfaced – no, not on the same boy (though he is in my psychology class and a family friend of Red who, when he found out, laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe). In fact, it was on Laurel: the girl I sit next to in French, who I have a somewhat… “Admiration” or “fascination” for. It sounds creepy I know, but it’s increased over the last two days, perhaps because I feel starved of affection again or because I’m lonely: I don’t know.
Before I start warbling on about my “love life”, or lack of one, I want to focus on what – to me – was more important today. Because today was our last day and was filled with deep thoughts from me, laughter with my friends, too much chocolate to count and plenty of hugs. I got my nails painted with this snowflake nail polish and was far too loud in screaming about how I’d ruined it. It only hits you, that when you won’t see your friends for two weeks, how much you actually love them.
I mostly stayed with Wren at break and in assembly. We were in the hall for over an hour, and at one point I was in pain because I had to sit on the floor for ages, and we were howling about our misfortune. In among them, I won three “achievement awards” which were just commendations, and in the silence of the hall I burst out laughing and muttered, “WHAT? That’s so funny!” It was embarrassing, now I look back on it.
And then, Piano Man Incident 2.0 happened – or should I say, Cello Woman Incident? A girl had sung, and was amazing because her voice was beautiful, and after that Laurel was the next “musical item” as they phrased it. I’d been absolutely terrified ever since I found out that she was playing and I was scared that a reoccurrence of the PM incident would happen, and by that I mean I was told this morning. Ever since we hugged yesterday after French, which brought together all of the frustration and worry we felt about the subject, I hadn’t been able to get a messed up curiosity out of my mind, which resulted in me worrying about how I’d react to her cello-playing. She really seemed to need me yesterday, to appreciate how I spoke to her, but was that because I was me or because I was just there?
Okay, I’ll be honest: I’m well aware I sound like a creep. But music has always been something I loved, and it’s like you seeing a face and thinking “There’s something about them, some feature, and it’s amazing”. Something about music or the way people play instruments can “draw” me to them, and that’s almost what happened with Laurel: almost, but not quite.
When she played, I felt like I was entirely focused on that. Of course, other thoughts were going through my mind, like the rhythm of the music and the notes, but it was like I was fascinated by the way she played. However, it wasn’t like with PM, because I wasn’t fixated: it was more like an intense pride, or awe. I loved it, but it wasn’t all-consuming; I don’t know what to think.
My thoughts are a little jumbled right now. I know that I don’t have a “crush” on her, because I’m still sad and my mental health is royally terrible right now in that department. On the other hand, I’m well aware it could develop, but I’m refusing to let myself think about that because:
1. I don’t know her that well
2. I can’t ruin anything, not when it’s so new
3. If I get “involved”, I’d either hurt her or I’d get hurt
4. I have no idea what I’d want with her and I’m not willing to take that chance
5. I still have a rather skewed and not altogether innocent curiosity about the boy I talk about in this post. It won’t amount to anything (though who knows) and I’m screaming at myself for thinking about him because that’s fucked up on so many levels, but whilst that’s in my head, I can’t and won’t have the energy to develop feelings for Laurel without creating a whole lot of confusion.
Over the Christmas holidays, I’m going to seriously think about how I feel. On top of my stress, I don’t need romantic complications to upset me, but sometimes I can’t help it. My reaction to her cello playing was predictable for me, especially because I anticipated it, but luckily it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Afterwards, with Wren, I mused that it wasn’t as extreme as with PM (though that was when I was about 14).
In other news, we decorated the tree yesterday properly, and I have an interview on the phone in a few minutes. I’ll use the festive days and cold to get over this ridiculous not-even-infatuation.
Then again, when has me saying that ever worked?
From Elm 🙂