I was thinking about New Years’ Resolutions just dow, in the belated way I do when I don’t exactly care for something, when I came to the realisation that there’s just one thing I want for this year.
It’s the 8th of January – a week after 2017 made its quiet entrance – and through the hectic whirlwind of school, dealing with muted and altogether unpleasant emotions, that I’ve finally thought about 2017 as a whole, as a follow-up to the disastrous way my 2016 went downhill. It started and ended with no hint of earth-shattering event – like I said in this post but still, I know that it started happily and ended with my mental exhaustion coming to the fore, only held together by the presence of Robin and the fact that I knew I could tell her anything – which I then did a day later.
Before I started writing this post, I asked myself a simple question in the vague jumble of ideas that comprise my thoughts: “What makes you happy? When were you last truly, truly happy?” I couldn’t come up with a definitive answer, but now I’ve released a little of my thoughts, I’m finding it easier.
I spoke to bloggers for 5 hours last night on Skype, and the laughter I experienced, in the addition to the love I felt for everyone, shocked me. I may not have been exactly ‘happy’ then, because recently whatever I do is tempered by either paranoia or a sense of worthlessness, but it was much much better than anything I’d felt before that for a while. It’s all of you that makes this all worthwhile, because you’ve supported me through pretty much everything.
A lot of people don’t seem to understand, through no fault of their own, just how scared I am of getting hurt. Especially after the way in which my last relationship ended, I’ve become even more cautious, but then I’m also prone to stupid amounts of recklessness, of doing something on the spur of the moment that makes me scream at myself after. That needs to stop: I need to find a balance that won’t make me shake out of terror whenever I think about it, that won’t make me tell myself I’m a bad person, because I’m not. I never have been, I don’t think, and admitting that is hard but I’ve done it.
If I want to be okay, I’ve got to hold onto the friends I have. Making new ones makes me happy too, but the stability of already existing friendships – and even more than that, this blog – lets me feel secure. It’s always been like this, and ever since I started being Elm, I’ve noticed that being away from my blog or not talking to you, or even not investing myself, causes me to become nervous and anxious. Having an outlet is something I have to continue, for my own health and also to help others if I can.
There are certain people that are absolutely toxic to me, who I still talk to despite both not wanting to and it damaging my perceptions of myself and other people. I find it very hard to let go and follow the sensible and great advice people give me immediately, above all relating to cutting out people who bring me down even for their moments of loveliness. I want to start following people’s suggestions more, because my own wellbeing should come before any guilt I experience.
This year, I want to carry on being a good person. I want to meet bloggers, cry if I need to, laugh and take my own future and happiness into my own hands. I want to love and be loved, without worrying when it’ll end, and without becoming so desperately clingy that I lose all sense of a healthy relationship. Fear of the future and of myself is something I feel regularly, but I can’t let it rule me because there’s more to life than that.
The simple thing I want? I just want this year to be better than the last one, and I think it will be.
From Elm 🙂