A fair few of my friends either “like” people, or are in relationships and my instinctive reaction is to be happy for them – in fact, it’s the reaction I always feel, because I just want people to be happy.
However, I’m the type of person who’s honest about how they feel, and so it horrified me to realise that I also feel a sick sense of sadness whenever I’m “faced” with it. Whenever I’m told, or whenever I see them together, I feel this muted and nasty envy, this shaky and awful reaction that crawls up my throat and turns my thoughts in on themselves. I hate it, and I almost hate myself for feeling it. I feel guilty, worried that my friends will see and misinterpret it as upset, and then never tell me anything.
I don’t quite hate myself, though: I know where it comes from, and so the energy spent hating myself isn’t worth it; I have far better things to do and there are worse parts of my personality than this. This one is almost understandable.
Today, I came to this realisation when I was doing my History work in my Psychology lesson (I was a rebel and hadn’t been given the Psych textbook). I immediately felt disgusted, asking myself:
“Is that how you feel about your friends? You’d be bloody jealous instead of accepting that they’re blissful, you’re not, and get over it? Is that who you really are, Elm – or do you like either of them? Is that it?”
I began to panic, thoughts whirling in a jumble of confusion, until I came to the conclusion that I was being stupid. I don’t like anyone; I don’t want a relationship, and that’s precisely why the answer is much more simple and causes much less angst than I originally thought.
I miss it. That’s all.
Ever since… Well, ever since I broke up with Aspen (my ex-boyfriend, NOT the blogger) almost a year ago now, “liking” somebody has always been tinged with a kind of fear, or worry. Of course, I’m happy when I do – like with Rapunzel and S – but with both of them, I was always paranoid, and it was broken up by the brief spells of euphoric happiness.
I miss liking someone with carefree innocence. The leaping feeling in my chest, hanging onto their words, looking forward to talking to them, and just feeling like I was in the clouds when I thought of all the things that made them up as a person. It was my heart racing, simply with anticipation, not clouded with any form of terror, and not wondering when it’ll end, when that pocket of beautiful prelude would shatter: when complexities weren’t part of the rulebook.
I no longer have that, and that sad reality is making me feel pretentious and too forlornly poetic to put any thought into solving it.
Since the end of my relationship with S, god, almost three months ago, it feels like I’ve been unable to “like” someone properly. Laurel (a girl who sits next to me in French) is just a passing thing, someone I respect and admire, a fleeting feeling of steadiness mixed with something new, but I can’t see it amounting to anything. I don’t really want it to, because “liking” somebody would be much too damaging for my own mental health.
My self-worth is still abismally low, underlined by the fact that I’ve been feeling awful recently. The whole relationship debacle just increased that to such a point that I can’t, at the moment, get over it and so I can’t have feelings for anybody. It hurts too much, the thought of letting my thoughts run away and tying themselves to someone – “liking” someone isn’t a calculated thing; it just happens, but letting it happen now would pretty much destroy me in the least dramatic way.
I know all this, and I also know that falling in love, having someone’s hand to hold or sharing myself with someone will happen eventually, but not now. I do miss it, though.
I’m not jealous of my friends. I’m more wishing for a feeling that’ right now, is out of reach and that’s alright. It’s not their feelings or relationship that hurts – it’s the fact that I’m incapable of having that. For now.
If you feel jealous of someone, analyse that jealousy. Don’t dismiss yourself as awful, but most times, there’s a lot more to simple jealousy than you’d think. You’re not a bad person for wanting something, but don’t let it consume you, and always remember: you’ll be alright one day. You aren’t alone. Take a step forward, and feel what feelings you want to feel.
From Elm 🙂