I think I’ve finally sorted out a little segment of my future, after much deliberation – and yes it’s scary because I have regular panics over my life – but it’s about the little fact of my blindness. Lack of sight. Shit eyes. That, and what I want to do regarding certain things that come along with it.
I think – no, I know – that I want to get a Guide Dog. After years of internalised rebellion against that supposed “blind stereotype” – “HAHAHA you can just have a cane,” “You don’t want to be like all the other blind people, right?” and “Stop pletending that you can actually take care of one,” I’ve decided that all of that was ridiculous. At the end of the day, my independence is shocking and not just in my abilities, but in my confidence, and as much as some many people can get around with a cane fine, I don’t know if I’m one of those people. Maybe having a dog won’t change that, but it’s a far sight (ha ha ha) better than what I feel now whenever I have to walk in an unfamiliar place on my own.
I made contact with my local mobility team for Guide Dogs a few weeks ago, and they’re coming to my house on Monday to discuss my options. Maybe it won’t be the right thing for me, but I want to try; it’s a step I feel like I’d love to take because I’m sick of not doing anything and just floating along. Most people don’t actually know that this is going on, but on my blog I’m totally honest, and this is a reasonably big thing.
Another thing that’s pretty huge – simply because of the shift in my opinions – is the fact that I’m considering taking a year out after I finish A-Levels, before I go onto uni. Perhaps this deserves a whole post of its own, but I want to bundle it up with the rest of my updates.
There’s a college for the blind; I won’t say which but it’s pretty obvious which one it is if you’re blind or if you do research. A lot of people take a year out to go there, and my reason is that my independence is laughably bad. I have no confidence, I don’t know how to do most things, and there’s no bloody way I’ll be able to learn everything on top of studying and not breaking down mentally. Cooking, using basic appliances in the house and moving around with ease in places you don’t know – I can’t do that and it’s terrifying because if I don’t get my act together, I won’t manage university.
Because of that, I want to go to this college. It’s a proper establishment; A-Levels are taken there as well as mobility courses, and I just think I should take the initiative here because it’s my life, my happiness, my independence. I want to be the person I can be without worrying that I’ll look stupid, or inept, in any situation. I’m afraid that I’ll be left behind, because all my sighted friends will move on without me and go to uni, but to be honest it’s something I just have to get over. This is more important.
To attend, you have to get funding, and I’m worried that my local council won’t provide. It’s paranoia more than anything else, but I really want this. Considering that eghen a year ago, I was so against the idea of me going to so-called “blind college” that I’d get upset whenever anyone suggested it me, this change in opinion is kinda significant. I’ve grown up, matured, and realised that life exists outside my perception of things and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of that part of me. S moved to a different school for the blind this year and if he can do it, there’s nothing stopping me – and he learned to like it there I hope, and so can I.
Yet another thing is happening, though not so long-lasting. I’ve become involved in a campaign for young people with sight loss, and I’m going to a meeting tomorrow in the city near me. I’m nervous for that, mainly because I’m not used to my opinions being taken seriously – it sounds weird, but I’m scared that I’ll speak and no one will listen. I won’t know anyone there, I don’t think, though they’re all around my age; I’m not sure if it’s better to know people or to not. Hopefully, it’ll all go well, and I can feel like I’m doing some good rather than just slipping into the background.
In two weeks, I’m going to another blind camp with L which should be something interesting. Violet (a good friend of mine) will be there, and so will Rapunzel (my ex-girlfriend). I won’t be able to blog in that time, but mocks are coming up (I’ve done shit all revision) so that’s producing stress.
Those are all of my updates! I think that I’m taking measures to increase my independence, and for once, I’m not criticising myself for it. Above all, it’s me that has to be in control of this, and no matter what anyone says, I’m willing to be.
From Elm 🙂