Upon being asked my bra size today, I became quite upset, self-conscious and paranoid – not at the person who asked, because I know they don’t care, but at my body in general. It was a horrible feeling, creeping over me as I ran my hands up and down my arms and felt sick inside. “Why am I feeling this?” I asked myself. I’d got to a stage where I didn’t actively dislike myself, too swept up in other emotions to care, but that was shattered with one (innocent) question.
I’m 5 ft. 1, and 17. That’s not a problem because there are plenty of people who are, but I look child-like. My face is small, hands and breasts and feet; I’m always the smallest in a group or if I’m not, it’s a surprise to people. I’m tiny, and I look 15 without makeup, 16 with makeup – i’ve been told so by multiple unconnected people. Ordinarily it wouldn’t bother me, because there’s more to life, but sometimes I hate feeling like the little one, the one people always assume is a little sister or just younger. It sounds like I’m complaining and you’d most likely be right, but I’m filled with this sadness and stupid, pointless irritation at something I can’t help.
I’m in proportion; if my breasts got bigger, my feet suddenly grew two sizes or I put on a fair bit of weight, it would make me feel so much worse because people might stare. However, people always yearn for what they can’t have, and as much as I know people don’t care about small boobs, I’m paranoid they do. It always comes back to that paranoia, because even if I trust a person, I’m worried they just think I’m way too small, that I should just try harder to look my age.
Occasionally, and I’ve talked about this before, it feels as if people don’t take me seriously at this size. Maybe it’s the way I talk too, or my facial expressions, but sometimes people talk down to me and don’t even mean to do it. This stupid insecurity is tiring me because maybe if I’d been born later, I would have grown more but if I were born later, I might have something else that’s much worse than blindness.
At some point, I will accept my body. People do find me attractive in some form, despite my thoughts telling me otherwise, and I’m not entirely undesirable. It’s funny though because I’m never the one that stands out for my prettiness in a crowd and I’m glad of that because it would put too much attention on me. On the other hand, I want to be loved – doesn’t everyone? – and to have that potential barrier of going to a party and people thinking you’re just not tall enough, that it’d be like kissing someone way younger than you – fills me with this inadequacy. I’ll shake myself out of it tomorrow.
To my shame, I snapped at the friend who asked me about my bra. I feel awful for it, because I started questioning my body and saying some pretty hurtful things about myself that most likely made me look like an attention-seeking arse. After I said, “Good luck with trying to change my mind about my own body”, he said “Well at least let one of us be happy about it.” In hinesight, that was a nice thing of him to say, but at the time I scoffed and just thought that he was bullshitting, that my stupid bra size would then be something people would talk about, laugh about, judge me on. I always think that that friend talks about me behind my back, or the group he’s in, but I doubt he does and even if he did, they can form their own opinions about me and I’ll live my own life.
It comes down to confidence. If I don’t have that, I won’t be able to appreciate that yes, I am pretty; no, my breasts aren’t too small because whatever size you are doesn’t matter and NO, I’m not somehow worthless because of all of it. People don’t give a shit, and aren’t going to laugh or say, “Pah, I’d never want HER; she’s too small!” It’s not a deficiency – it’s just a part of me.
Remember that all shapes and sizes are fine to have; you aren’t ruled by what you look like. If you think you’re too tall, keep in your mind that there are many people who think you’re the perfect size and you shouldn’t change a thing. Same as if you’re smaller, or if you’re a certain weight. Your worries, fears and other people’s potential judgements aren’t what control your feelings. You are.
From Elm 🙂