Do you, after literally the tiniest thing, get paranoid that you’ve completely neglected your friends, not been attentive enough, think they hate you, that everyone hates you and then you start questioning all of the stupid lies and shit you got yourself into? No? I do – I am – and it’s annoying.
I have these “you’ve been a terrible friend” moments regularly, but they stopped recently as my mental health improved. After the good day I had, I’m sad that this has returned, because now I feel sick with myself, I’m shaking and trying to convince myself that no, I’m not an awful person and people don’t despise me. Why do I even have to do this to let my mind be at rest? Far be it for me to scream it’s unfair, but I just wish I wouldn’t second guess every decision I made and then get hit with the reality that I’ve been floating along with the world and not being proactive in helping people.
Maybe writing about it will help, because I’m no longer entirely honest about my feelings on this blog. That makes me upset – that I’d be so worried and fucking paranoid at everything that I’d censor myself, try and block it out just so I won’t make people worry about me. If people worry they worry, but this is my outlet and always has been; it’s what calms me down and lifts me back up.
Occasionally I just wonder why I don’t give up with trying to do anything when all I seem to do is make people angry, or shut people out. Either because I won’t tell them what’s wrong, or I push other people to tell me what’s wrong when they don’t want to. In my mind, I’m trying to be helpful or I’m hoping to allow them to open up, but in truth it’s just pushy, clingy and makes people think I won’t leave them alone. I used to be the one who would go out of their way to reach a hand out to people and now, all I do is get pathetically sad when people don’t want to tell me things because oooh, obviously, I’m just soo approachable.
That whole thing – about forcing people, attempting to be well-meaning but actually being intensely annoying, makes me have a less than positive opinion of myself. I’m trembling now because I’m finally figuring it out and I don’t want this opportunity to go to waste.
It makes me draw away from people, slowly – either that or because I get overwhelmed at all the things I have to do, such as work, blogging and everything else. Balancing friendships – that makes it sound like a chore but it isn’t – has become increasingly difficult as I get paranoid that if I pay attention to one friend, I’ll forget about the others and not talk to them when they need me. That, right there, is the root of the matter: I’m worried that people think I don’t care about them because I don’t reach out to them which is because I have distanced myself from everyone, when I do care so much.
I’m too harsh sometimes. I become sad and clingy, and then make people feel guilty. I’m confused, about both my feelings and my actions as well as what to do about them, yet one thing remains certain.
I care about people but I don’t express that well sometimes. If I can hold onto as many friendships as possible, I won’t feel so bad about talking to said people because they’d know I love them. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly terrified that I’m not helping people enough, where my heart beats violently because I’m just not as good as I could be, and people don’t trust me. I’ll always feel disgusting for not talking to people and letting friendships fall apart but I can’t let it be all-consuming.
All of this has made me exhausted and I’m half-crying with how my mind’s twisting all of my thoughts to tell me to stop talking, to sob until I feel ill and to tell everyone, “I’m fine, leave me alone; you have your own damn life!” I don’t want to be someone who can’t love because they’re too afraid and I don’t want to be untrustworthy. I’m scared, my heart hurts and I don’t know what I’m either feeling or thinking, but I have to get through it to be a better person.
This post made no sense, but it was an explosion of thoughts. I’ve tried to work through it in my head, but I can’t because if I’m left alone with my thoughts they’ll batter at me until I want to burn everything, so the only other option was to write them down.
The conclusion here? I feel like I’m neglecting everyone including myself, that people don’t trust me or like me because I don’t devote enough time into proving I DO care but that’s just my paranoia. I may want to punch myself but I won’t because my brain won’t triumph again with its stupidly negative thoughts.
I’m still petrified, though. What if I mess up and none of this writing goes in? What if I continue to be an unfeeling wreck? Oh, this will just remind me I have emotions, and it’s okay to have emotions.
From Elm 🙂