Yesterday, a friend told me that ever since October – AKA ever since this whole thing happened – I’ve started to make more sensible decisions. After thinking back over the stupid shit I’ve done recently that people don’t know about, I disagreed but then realised that in a way, it’s true. I’ve done things that screw with people’s feelings and make me less confused but in the process, I’ve become almost cynnical to the idea of love.
Funny that – how decisions that were supposed to bring my mind back to a restful state have in fact clouded my mind to the very thing that I hoped would return to me. That’s the magical aspect of love – that leaping feeling you get in your heart, the smiles and the lack of worry.
My reaction to being cheated on was quite out of the ordinary, now that I think about it. I wasn’t angry; I didn’t shout; you’d expect me to hate them both and to never want to speak to them again. In fact, my reaction was so opposite to that that I now don’t really know how to react angrily to much. I’ve become a little numb to everything but the other option was to be filled with unfair anger that wasn’t deserved; I prefer this.
However, it did affect my self-worth. I’d say it affected my view of relationships – the stuff that happened after more so, but it contributed to it. I can no longer think of being in a relationship without being intensely paranoid; physical experiences or the idea of them make me feel anxious but still, I’m so lonely sometimes I could cry. It has made me do a lot of things I shouldn’t have done because I thought that it was the right thing to do: have I always been like this? Was Jasmine just a way for me to feel something?
Occasionally, I wish I’d never done some of the stuff I did but then I remember that lessons were learnt by doing that and that it’s okay to utterly screw up sometimes. I’ve become almost disconnected from it; it’s got to the point where when people call me a slut as a joke, I wholeheartedly agree with them and then question who I am. Was I really that stupid or was it alright to do everything? Fuck, I wish I could talk about it but I can’t and it breaks me: is not being able to talk to you guys the reason why my view of love’s become a bit… Warped?
Whenever anyone tells me that I’d be a good girlfriend, that I’m loyal or that I can love well, I laugh inside my head. I no longer trust relationships or I don’t trust people not to hurt me, to cheat on me, to find me too high-maintenance or to just get pissed off or bored of me. I think myself so uninteresting, so unappealing physically and emotionally that when I imagine anyone wanting to be with me or being attracted to me, it’s so alien that it makes me scoff.
It’s not anger that I feel. Rather, it’s an utter lack of faith in falling in love; it’s the piece short of a puzzle that would make me truly happy in a relationship. After the “October incident”, I was so miserable that I closed myself off to the idea of loving anyone and having them love me in return; I had no idea what to do with feelings that crept up on me. As a result, I threw them away and panicked so viciously that I both broke myself and someone else. That should give you an idea of just how little I believe in myself.
I’m being honest with you – or as honest as I can be – because I haven’t been. I haven’t had a true crush since July; anything after that was ruined by paranoia and a need to prove to myself that I was fine when I so obviously wasn’t. Now that I think I have feelings for someone, I’m trying to smash them down because it would only screw me over. My view is that it’s not worth getting hurt; nobody would be interested in me so what’s the point in trying; any feelings I’ve had recently have been tinged with pain and I feel like I’m running on a road to nowhere and the road isn’t even really a road – it’s more of a shitty kind of track. I know that’s all wrong but what else can I feel?
I got so unblinded to love that I now don’t know how to see it for the beautiful thing it can be. I know that relationships, that crushes can be great but to me, it’s all dark, terrifying and I’d always think about the ending. I miss the carefree part of it – like with S the first time or even the time when I first realised I was in love with Ash.
Let’s see where I go from here. Maybe I’ll have that back again: maybe the person I have in mind will be the person who lets me feel that unfiltered happiness. I know that worries can be good but mine would be so huge that I wouldn’t be able to see the positives: I’m naturally wary of my feelings now. I don’t know if they’re real, if I deserve to have them or if they will ever amount to anything (doubtful). I also feel guilty at the idea of falling in love because I miss the love I had, though I can’t hold onto it.
I’m cynical, sad and suspicious of love but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of it. I will be one day but I think I’d have to jump over a thousand hurdles before I get to them. I sincerely doubt anyone would be willing to be with me along that journey and wait for me at the end.
How do you feel towards love?
From Elm 🙂