Sceptical Love

Yesterday, a friend told me that ever since October – AKA ever since this whole thing happened – I’ve started to make more sensible decisions. After thinking back over the stupid shit I’ve done recently that people don’t know about, I disagreed but then realised that in a way, it’s true. I’ve done things that screw with people’s feelings and make me less confused but in the process, I’ve become almost cynnical to the idea of love.

Funny that – how decisions that were supposed to bring my mind back to a restful state have in fact clouded my mind to the very thing that I hoped would return to me. That’s the magical aspect of love – that leaping feeling you get in your heart, the smiles and the lack of worry.

My reaction to being cheated on was quite out of the ordinary, now that I think about it. I wasn’t angry; I didn’t shout; you’d expect me to hate them both and to never want to speak to them again. In fact, my reaction was so opposite to that that I now don’t really know how to react angrily to much. I’ve become a little numb to everything but the other option was to be filled with unfair anger that wasn’t deserved; I prefer this.

However, it did affect my self-worth. I’d say it affected my view of relationships – the stuff that happened after more so, but it contributed to it. I can no longer think of being in a relationship without being intensely paranoid; physical experiences or the idea of them make me feel anxious but still, I’m so lonely sometimes I could cry. It has made me do a lot of things I shouldn’t have done because I thought that it was the right thing to do: have I always been like this? Was Jasmine just a way for me to feel something?

Occasionally, I wish I’d never done some of the stuff I did but then I remember that lessons were learnt by doing that and that it’s okay to utterly screw up sometimes. I’ve become almost disconnected from it; it’s got to the point where when people call me a slut as a joke, I wholeheartedly agree with them and then question who I am. Was I really that stupid or was it alright to do everything? Fuck, I wish I could talk about it but I can’t and it breaks me: is not being able to talk to you guys the reason why my view of love’s become a bit… Warped?

Whenever anyone tells me that I’d be a good girlfriend, that I’m loyal or that I can love well, I laugh inside my head. I no longer trust relationships or I don’t trust people not to hurt me, to cheat on me, to find me too high-maintenance or to just get pissed off or bored of me. I think myself so uninteresting, so unappealing physically and emotionally that when I imagine anyone wanting to be with me or being attracted to me, it’s so alien that it makes me scoff.

It’s not anger that I feel. Rather, it’s an utter lack of faith in falling in love; it’s the piece short of a puzzle that would make me truly happy in a relationship. After the “October incident”, I was so miserable that I closed myself off to the idea of loving anyone and having them love me in return; I had no idea what to do with feelings that crept up on me. As a result, I threw them away and panicked so viciously that I both broke myself and someone else. That should give you an idea of just how little I believe in myself.

I’m being honest with you – or as honest as I can be – because I haven’t been. I haven’t had a true crush since July; anything after that was ruined by paranoia and a need to prove to myself that I was fine when I so obviously wasn’t. Now that I think I have feelings for someone, I’m trying to smash them down because it would only screw me over. My view is that it’s not worth getting hurt; nobody would be interested in me so what’s the point in trying; any feelings I’ve had recently have been tinged with pain and I feel like I’m running on a road to nowhere and the road isn’t even really a road – it’s more of a shitty kind of track. I know that’s all wrong but what else can I feel?

I got so unblinded to love that I now don’t know how to see it for the beautiful thing it can be. I know that relationships, that crushes can be great but to me, it’s all dark, terrifying and I’d always think about the ending. I miss the carefree part of it – like with S the first time or even the time when I first realised I was in love with Ash.

Let’s see where I go from here. Maybe I’ll have that back again: maybe the person I have in mind will be the person who lets me feel that unfiltered happiness. I know that worries can be good but mine would be so huge that I wouldn’t be able to see the positives: I’m naturally wary of my feelings now. I don’t know if they’re real, if I deserve to have them or if they will ever amount to anything (doubtful). I also feel guilty at the idea of falling in love because I miss the love I had, though I can’t hold onto it.

I’m cynical, sad and suspicious of love but that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of it. I will be one day but I think I’d have to jump over a thousand hurdles before I get to them. I sincerely doubt anyone would be willing to be with me along that journey and wait for me at the end.

How do you feel towards love?

From Elm 🙂

30 thoughts on “Sceptical Love

  1. Ohmygod! The way you write is so amazing! But also, I kind of understand where you are coming from. I’m slightly terrified if being in a relationship because I’m scared of someone knowing me on such a deep level. It took me a year to become really close with my current best friend, and I feel relationships would move a lot faster than that.

    • Yeah, I totally get this! I’m just scared in general you know? Also sorry if I’ve already replied to this; my notifications are being so weird and not sending replies!! 😦 I’m SO glad you like my writing style!

  2. Hang on, how old are you again? You’ve got YEARS of this, Darl!
    A broken heart ain’t the end of the world – even though it feels like it.
    (Said from an old lady – ME!)

    • I know 😀 It just hurts in the midst of it you know? Thinking about how I’m only young is kind of comforting but it also worries me because I know this is only the tip of the iceberg.

      • Awww I wouldn’t say that! All of my romances have been rather, ahh, disastrous? Oh well – life goes on!

  3. I’m so sorry you feel this way, Elm! I hope that you know that while it may not seem like it, love is always there and you will find it no matter what. ❤ (Also, how I feel about love? Oh gosh, today I've had the weirdest day wondering if I'm straight or not. O.o)

  4. Totes agree with Daria!
    These unfortunate events are fortunate lessons of what types of relationships don’t work. In two ways I’m glad I got my heartbroken at those darks times and never thought I’d find loved and in another way, taken time to focus of self-love, looking within and not from others. Once you care enough about yourself and putting yourself first, only the worthy will step and want to spend time alongside you. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness and they’re not responsible for yours.
    Fall in love many times over and make those beautiful mistakes.

    • I hope that I can do that. In fact, I KNOW I can; it’s just about remembering that. Thanks loadfor the reassurances though; it means a lot.

  5. Love isn’t easy. But wouldn’t it be such a bore if it was easy? Times like this give you strength and will. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know what I would’ve done in your situation. But here you are talking about your feelings and being open. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel like love is hopeless. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Because connecting with your feelings only makes you human. But I hope you know that love is worth it. It might not feel like it at this very moment but you are an amazing person worthy of love. Don’t let any situation tell you otherwise 🙂

    • You have no idea – I feel like crying right now because you have always supported me. N’s what our friendship’s about – supporting each other when we’re hurting – and I appreciate that. I can be worthy of love but I want to believe it first; it’s so hard. I don’t even know what to do but I’m stumbling my way through it ❤ Love :! hard, for both of us, but we CAN do this. We ARE strong enough

      • ❤ I’m so glad our friendship is this way. There are times when I feel like I’m always bothering my friends when I tell them about something or I’m bothering them to a point where they can’t even tell me about their own feelings. So for this feeling of support that we mutually have for each other- it means so so much to me. Lol well I don’t know a thing about love, so we’re in the same boat. But we have each other so we’re not alone figuring this crazy thing out. We will ALWAYS be strong enough ❤

      • Exactly, and we can be strong together. Honestly our friendship is one of the things that keeps me going sometimes xx

  6. They say there’s always a rainbow after a storm, and a pot of gold at the end of said rainbow. I find that the rainbow part is true, as for the pot of gold, well, it’s makes a nice addition to the saying. You’re just in the midst of a storm, darling, turbulent and devastating though it may be. It will end, and you will come out stronger for having survived it. From having learnt from it. *It will end.* And then, there will be a beautiful rainbow waiting for you. Rainbows make the world a better place. They are beautiful, magical, extraordinary! Sometimes fleeting and sometimes not. No matter what kind of a rainbow it is, it always appears. It is constant. When you can’t see it, it’s still there, playing hide and seek. Everybody gets to see rainbows, nobody is unworthy and neither are you, Elm. You are a wonderful person who deserves to love and be loved truly, madly, deeply. Just be yourself; be open and brave. You’ll get your rainbow, just you wait. And maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll get a pot of gold too! xD

    • I’m copying this comment and keeping it forever as my personal rainbow for my own. I love the way you phrase things: I hope people can love me as deeply as I love them, that there aren’t inequalities in the relationships I do have. I want to make people happy and get out of this storm if I can; I hate feeling like this so much. It’s just draining but a rainbow can be revitalising as much as rain itself can. You’re amazing and you’re encouraging: I appreciate it so much. You’re basically just LIKE the pot of gold ❤

      • Aww, Elm, you’re truly such a beautiful person. I’m convinced that one day, you will find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be. You will have a relationship that is equal. You will be happy and cherished. Until then stay strong, don’t let the gale put out your flame of hope. Let it burn brighter instead; you will have everything you want one day. The storm will pass and your rainbow will appear, darling. It will. I’m glad my words made you feel a little better. I’ll always be here to listen. Anytime, Elm. ❤️

      • And back at you, always. You have no idea what an effect your words have had on me. One day, I’ll be loved but I’m scared that when that day comes, I won’t be ready. We’ll be okay, though. Email me if YOU ever want to talk! xx

      • Do you have stage fright, Elm? Stage fright is a funny thing. All nerves and anxiety before you step onto the stage, but once you do? Once you say the first line or dance the first step or whatever it is you are there to do, it disappears. It disappears and you end up having the best time of your life. So don’t worry about being not ready, none of us are, until it actually happens. You may not be ready yet, you may make mistakes, you may be scared, you may fight and it’ll still be the most beautiful rainbow ever. One day, you’ll find everything that you’ve been looking for. Definitely be better than okay. Thanks, and the same goes for you, okay? You can find my email on my site should you need to talk on a more private platform. ❤️ Have a wonderful day, love!

      • I will 🙂 And back at you! Rainbows will be the hope I have – you’re such a nice person and I hope you know it. xx

      • I don’t know about nice. *shrugs* I just hope I could help, at least a little. xx

  7. Elmmm my love this is beautiful. And so relatable, as always! Even in the middle of a relationship I find myself wondering if he and I are meant for this, for the absolute stupidest of reasons! Just remember that you are never alone, and you are CERTAINLY never unworthy. You’ll find it, darling. don’t doubt ❤ xx

    • I’ll try not to! And I get that: I had the same when I was in a relationship but I’m so glad you’re happy! We need to have a catch up; I’ve missed you. I’ll try to remember that happiness can be just around the corner!

  8. Love is complicated. I don’t have the full answer of it yet. However, Elm, I understand how you feel because sometimes, I find it hard to accept myself as being able to be loved xx

    • I understand you there. But we’re both able to be loved – we just need to believe it. It’s so hard and I’m not there yet but we can both be xx

  9. Elm you best believe that you are fabulous ma girl. Its all very confusing, but that is the way life is I think. None of us really know what were doing or what we are feeling, the only thing we have is this life we have been given, so the only thing we can do is live it. I know it must really hurt. And it will take time. But you’re doing so well, believe in yourself girly, you are wonderful. Always.

    • I’ll try my hardest – it’s just difficult to remember I deserve all of that. I’m fighting through and I’ll have good and awful days but that’s just life. Thanks, as ever, for your lovely support xx

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