I’m Scared of You

This will make literally no sense but I’m writing it anyway.

Sometimes I just don’t understand how people can affect other people so much. Couldn’t you just get away? It’s only when I’m in that situation that I realise: no. You can’t.

When you’re in that situation too, you feel like you can’t get out. You’re constantly at the whim of how another person feels – it takes over your whole body and mind. It’s terrifying because you think you’re strong; you think you can just walk away: no, you can’t. Not at the flick of a switch.

My thoughts are in a bit of a tangle right now; I’m struggling between what’s morally “right” and what’s right for me. It makes me sad that this has even happened: it further makes me angry that I can’t talk about it on my blog: the one place where you’d think I could.

I almost want to cry. I’ve almost become addicted to worrying – worrying if I’ll upset someone, worrying that they’re not okay and then shouting at myself for doing one tiny thing that might screw everything up. I was given a reality check two or three days ago and here’s what somebody said in regards to it:

“I can’t do anything else – I’ve done my best. You need to do your best too, Elm; you can’t keep saying you’re going to get yourself away and going back. You’re going to make it so much worse for yourself – and if you’re really sick of it, then do something about it.”

I’ll speak as plainly as I can: I’m fucking done. I’m done with being controlled by other people’s emotions. I’m sick of being subject to my fear and I’m so tired of dancing around people to check that I’m not telling lies. I’m tired, sad, furious and most of all? I want to be free of it.

What I do in the next few days will make me seem like a terrible person to a few people but I can no longer care. It’ll seem callous of me to say that because to all intents and purposes, nobody has actually done anything recently to elicit this behaviour. They haven’t done anything to upset me: it’s what they did say before that made me feel so guilty which has set this off. It’s how I reacted to it; it’s controlling me and I hate that.

Situations are never as they seem at first glance. If people tell others how I’m acting now – how cruel I seem – they’d believe them as they have no other evidence to negate it. Perhaps I am that cruel but there are so many sides to it: I don’t know if people would ask “But why would she do that?” I don’t know if I would, if I was in their shoes. Here, it’s about making myself better – for once – and finally letting go of something I should have let go so long ago.

You never think that you’ll feel a certain way until you do. After how Ash affected my self worth, I thought I was done with always being obsessed with not upsetting people or being emotionally manipulated by guilt to act how I thought I needed to. I wasn’t – I’m not – and that’s a huge slap in the face. I don’t know what to do; I don’t know whether to get the entire situation away from me, whether that’s acting like a coward or whether I should just keep at a safe distance. Ugh.

I’m sorry that you can’t understand this because I can’t explain it but you guys listening and reading means the world. Remember that if something like this happens to you, don’t let it consume you. Get away – remove yourself from it – before you start walking down the spiral of “But I am guilty of hurting them; I’m awful.”

You’re stronger than this. I’m stronger than this but I’m scared of becoming so strong that I hurt people.

From Elm 🙂

28 thoughts on “I’m Scared of You

  1. I hate situations like that. It’s like a test of whether you really are strong enough to walk away from the situation. But, I guess if you can’t walk away this time, it gives you more experience and wisdom to walk away next time ❤ x

    • I know 🙂 It’s just so hard because I never know if I’m doing what’s right when so many people are judging the situation as utterly wrong.

    • Ahh precisely. That brick has hit me and others but I don’t know if it’ll work. I don’t know if I WANT it to work but it has to

      • It might be the only way to get them to understand. However, you might lose them as a friend or if a family member they might not talk to you again for some time but you have to take a stand for your own self. I have done this many times so I speak from over seventy years of experience. You are worth it. ☺☺☺

  2. This is such an awful situation to be in. Of course I want to tell you to put yourself first, but that’s easier said than done! Remember that true friends will support you if you explain what’s going on, even if you’re worried about hurting them. Good luck ♥

    • Ahhh I hope so. I’m just scared you know? I don’t know if I’m doing the “right” thing or anything because all my friends that know what’s going on give me a different answer 😦 But thank you xx

  3. I always feel like this too😔 I am constantly worrying what did I do wrong when someone seems to be upset. I tend to notice slight changes in people’s behavior or the way they speak, I can usually tell when someone is down or upset (even though I have no idea how to handle the situation) so I am constantly thinking it is my fault or something… I can’t get it out. I understand you… It is awful.

  4. I feel you! In my family itself , a lot of people are so touchy we need to constantly tiptoe around their feelings and it’s so hard walking on eggshells all the time that sometimes, you fear you’ll be the one to crack. I’m glad you’re stronger that that. None of us is perfect, and the awareness of our actions and our own thresholds for things is a constantly evolving process. I think in the end we just need to embrace that evolution to create a revolution within. Self bashing never was the answer to anything, and even though we know that, Im sure each of us struggles with the conundrum you stated. The only answer to it is to remind oneself to keep our chin up and eyes straight, because a head in the sand is worse than a nose in the sky.

    • That last line was wonderful 🙂 Thank you. I understand also what you mean about family: I get so worried about offending people that I have to mind my words. Actually, I have to mind my words about a lot of things – ugh! I’m happy you understand though xx

  5. Gosh Elm. You were so brave for writing this anyway even if it doesn’t have many details. It’s good that you recognised the situation you are in and that you’re getting out of it, always here to talk xx

    • I hope I did. It’s just so… Messy, you know? I always feel like I’m doing the wrong thing which makes me so so sad. I hope things will work out xx

  6. I feel like I relate to this so much. I was put in a situation where I had to choose between the right thing, and the right thing for me. I chose the right thing for me… and it hurt. People hurt. I tried so hard to fix things and in the process I broke myself. I drained myself. I should have walked away… yet I’m still here, hoping to fix things. The thing I figured out is that if I tell this person the whole truth from my perspective, it wouldn’t be worth it. It would start shit all over again. Now I live with her hating me, and not knowing the full story. But I guess thats better than outing other people on how they played apart. I’ll make that sacrifice. For the sake of keeping the peace. I’ll remain the only one that “did anything wrong”.

    • Oh but Indy YOU aren’t the only one who did wrong – in fact, it really wasn’t your fault. It was all about miscomunication so don’t blame yourself for it! Trust me – you’re brilliant and if she can’t see that, she’s not worth YOUR time. Keep your head up okay? We love you xxx

      • Awe. Thank you! Its just really hard when you have every class with the people that were involved in all the drama. But next term I’m going to start investigating and scoping out other groups, so I can get away from all the drama. Thank you so much for all your support! I don’t know how I would have made it through all this without my blog, and the people that have helped me along!

  7. Oh ma gawd!! XD I FEEL LIKE THAT A LOT OF THE TIMES!!! I guess it’s normal, though I haven’t come to the point where I wanna cry, but I guess it’s because you’re a wonderful person and you don’t want to upset others.
    It’s not that people scare me really, more like I’m scared of myself cause it don’t want to eff it and disappoint people, especially people I love and appreciate!
    Loved this post, like always!!! ❤

    • And I LOVE your comment as ever! Seriously, you just KNOW how to cheer me up whilst simultaneously understanding everything!!! I lo?e you xx

      • Thank you, glad you you LOVED my comment!!! And yeah, I guess it’s just relatable, I think everyone goes through the same at some point!!
        I love you too!!!!!!!!!

  8. The phrase “addicted to worrying” makes me shiver. And makes me understand that I can relate, even if a low level. I’m always worried about something, even if I don’t show it. The little questions and concerns are always going through my mind. And understating that sometimes I just can’t do anything is the worst. But you really can’t do anything. My best friend is going through something like this. Being miles away from her doesn’t make it easier, but support is always needed. Share everything you need ♡

    • I always will, and I hope your best friend is okay. Tell her that it’s hard but at the end, it’s HER happiness which matters. I understand, too, about the worrying – it’s always there, for me, no matter the size of the issue.

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