Why Am I Lonely?

Not too long ago, I spoke to a friend of mine who asked me: “Even when you’re surrounded by people, do you still feel alone?”

I felt this shocked sense of relation to what he said: I’d known it previously, said it to myself but that was when it had really hit me that he was right. The night before, I had cried a little to myself whilst feeling too sad to properly process it. Everything felt hollow and empty; I felt scared and so separated from all of the people around me. Why, though?

I don’t know for how long I’ve been feeling this inexplicable loneliness. It’s probably been for a while because I have felt as if I’m surrounded by this constant sadness. Yes, I’ve felt lonely by myself and when I remember how much I screwed people over before but only recently have I realised the exact signs of loneliness which I had refused to acknowledge before.

Trying to surround myself with people
In order to combat how I feel, I’ve tried to talk to as many people as possible. That includes emailing people, messaging and calling people on Skype, organising to meet up with people (this coincided with my sadness because I genuinely want to see my friends) and making sure I’m engaging with a group as much as possible. I went to my friend Swan’s birthday ‘gathering’ on Saturday and it was great; when I got home though, I realised that it only really sticks around when I’m around people. The feeling really doesn’t last, no matter how hard I try.

Distracting myself when alone
It’s weird: I used to like being by myself but recently, I’ve hated it. To stop thinking a little, and to stop myself from feeling overwhelmed because of feels, I find ways to distract myself. I read, sing – that’s been a big one recently, scroll through Twitter, try and blog and various other things. Before, I thought it was just because I was bored but the frequency with which I do these things is kind of worrying and points towards me just not wanting to be alone. It seems as if my mind will make up stupid reasons as to why I need to do this, that and the other without wanting to think that it’s lonely.

Not feeling happy or complete even when in a group
Even when I’m in the midst of a large group, I never feel quite whole. This is totally contrary to what you’d expect. I kind of feel apart from it all – not because of the people but simply because I’m not engaging as much as I’d like – and that annoys me. It then turns into an illogical paranoia that everyone hates me, which I know to be false. I end up feeling more lonely than I did at the start and I need to stress that this is not because of the people present, but rather my mind being a moron.

Being almost resistant to physical contact but leaning into it when given
I’ve found myself shuddering away from the thought of people hugging me and flinching when I think about people doing so, which is weird because I love hugs. They make me feel safer I suppose, proof that I’m not just scared here and that people like me, yet – especially in terms of ‘romance’ – I can’t quite bring myself to think that being close to someone is possible. Perhaps it’s gone round in a circle, where I thought it was ridiculous that I could accept physical contact so then didn’t. When someone does hug me, or is close to me I almost revel in it, happy, but before it I’d almost describe myself as ‘prickly’. That is, unwilling to initiate or wary of it. Ugh, I don’t know.

Pushing people away whilst wanting them to notice
I’m not good with knowing when I should talk to friends and when I shouldn’t; consequently, I may have accidentally shut myself off from a few people who I really love. In doing so, I’ve become incredibly sad and I think that this has contributed to me feeling lonely because I think that nobody would wish to talk to me anyway: have I caused this all? Whichever it is, a corner of my mind still craves attention and tries to get it by talking to people. This is all linked, I think, and now I’m confused as to what I may have done to perpetuate it.

Feeling unmotivated and pointless
This one’s a consequence of me feeling alone. I don’t feel like doing much which is sad: I sang earlier and it was okay; I got unmotivated to read blogs which I usually love. As a side note, perhaps to get me more motivated and so prevent some of this cycle, could you link me to any postsยฅ love and enjoy, either that you wrote or someone else did?

It’s taken me about a day to write this post. Now I’ve written out my thoughts it doesn’t feel so oppressive and bad but I still have a lingering sense of incompleteness. I’m sorry for the long nature of this post but because I haven’t had an outlet for the last month, I need this time to properly examine how I feel.

Do you ever feel alone without explanation, like I do? Have the things I’ve listed about how I act been how you feel as well? If so, remember you’re not alone.

I know how it feels and though it can leave you feeling upset, there are plenty of people who must be the same. So even for our loneliness, we’re not alone in feeling it. That’s a strange sentence to say but I hope it’s comforting for you; you can always find people who feel a little of how you do. It’s just about searching and understanding; if I’m that person for you or you’re that person for me, it will make my day. What will also make my day is if, next time you think that someone is feeling lonely or upset, you just say a kind word to them. If you relate to their feelings and tell them so it’ll mean more to them, I think, than any big gesture.

Supporting people in little ways really helps. I’ll try and remember that, take my loneliness and make it into something positive for someone else. It’s one of the things which can do good here, because too often I slip into thinking all of it’s just worthless. If I can at least let you know there are more people who think how you think and feel scared too, I won’t feel so trapped in my thoughts. I hope it can be the same for you.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

70 thoughts on “Why Am I Lonely?

    • Ahh thank you so much; I’m glad you relate. I just want to feel less lonely you know? And it’s not even a logical loneliness aarghhh! Anyhow – thanks for commenting!

  1. Oh, Elm. I think at some point or the other, everybody feels alone. Or lonely, as if were. Even in the midst of a love group, surrounded by people who care, sometimes I feel lonely. Separated from the rest of them. Just a little bit detached from the world. So, no, you are not alone. I love hugs too, but I’m not comfortable with people invading my personal space either. However, hugs make everything better so here. *gives you a tight virtual hug* Everything is going to be okay. It gets better and this feeling doesn’t last. Do whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you feel less lonely. It’s only natural to feel distant and disconnected sometimes. As if there were a glass wall separating you from the world. Separating you from the happy. But that glass wall will shatter someday. It’ll shatter into a million glittering shards that won’t have any power over you anymore. Promise. Until then, keep your head held high and do whatever makes you feel better. Emails, Skype sessions, hanging out with your friends. What about a walk in the garden? You mentioned in one of your posts that lounging in the lap of nature made you feel better. Try that? Things will get better eventually, there’s just a long road of self introspection before that. Don’t worry though, this is natural. It is human. ๐Ÿ’›
    P.S. I’m sorry for the rambling nature of this comment.

    • You’ve got to be one of my favourite people right now, simply because you said that. You’re so right about the nature thing and I appreciate your support more than I can say. *gives you huuuuuge virtual hugs because you’re fabulous* You’ve just been so wonderful for me, love you lots xxx

      • Always here to listen, and if you’d like, to talk as well. You’re the awesomestestestest Elm, remember that. *offers you a cookie because you’re the best and cookies are the best and the best deserves the best* Your pot of gold is waiting for you. xxxx

  2. I get you! For ages I felt lonely and sad because even when I was surrounded my different groups of friends, my mind kept telling me that no one wanted me there or cared about be so I became detached. But then I started to concentrate on being myself more, being more care free and not caring what people think, and gradually I’ve started to fill the loneliness with myself again and letting myself do the things I enjoy without searching for validation from others. It’s okay to let yourself do the things you enjoy, because there what makes you you and sometimes improve your relationship with yourself and spending more time with yourself can help you improve your relationships with others and allow you to act yourself around people, and feel included. Stay strong Elm xx

    • Aaarghh this is so true and I NEEED to remember this advice; I may copy and paste it in a note so I always have it. I forget to be myself and concentrate on others a lot and so it’s difficult to understand what I want’ Thank you so so much for this and I’m glad you feel a little better now xx

  3. Awhhh Elm :(( I’m looking through all these comments of people saying they can relate, and I would say the same, but I’m not sure I do, in fact, completely relate. That, however, doesn’t mean I can empathise with you, so virtual hugs all around! โค

  4. Sorry to hear about this, but it’s always nice to know that you’re not alone with these feelings. I was actually shocked at how similar your feelings now are to what I felt a couple years ago. You pretty much summed up that time in my life all in this post, but I want you to know this feeling is temporary (even if it lasts a while). I have a completely different, positive outlook on life now- something I wouldn’t have ever expected years ago when I felt the same way you feel now. It all gets better eventually(: it just needs to pass its course

  5. Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this but you’re definitely not alone. I can relate to how you’re feeling. It’s like feeling lonely and kind of detactched from the conversation or situation but having no real reason to point to. Hope the singing helped. Thinking of you!

      • No problem at all โ˜บ
        Thank you!
        Yeah, you can do it! Even whenever you feel like it, you don’t have to pressurize yourself to do it at certain times โ˜บ

  6. Ooh myy Goodness. Omg omg omg. Ive been feeling a complete wreck lately, and I had no idea WHY because I couldn’t even gather my thoughts properly to conclude WHY. Shit shit shit. Hats off to you for voicing out this loud. I would have never analysed it. This is incredibly one of most relatable things i have ever read. Not that its a great thing, but I am happy, it atleast makes me know what worries me. As much as I would like to, I have no idea how to solve this (and would be glad to hear suggestions, yes) , but know that you are NEVER ALONE. โคโค

    • SHITTTTT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU AHHH. I just feel like such a mess recently but some days I’m fine?? It’s weird. I’m always just a skype call away when you need advice and maybe we can figure this out together โค

      • Oohh goodness we totally must… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ The thing about “”some days I’m fine?”” Good Lord YESS…
        And now I’m kinda worse?.. Something terrible happened and I’ve been feeling like a complete shit. Hope you’re fine. ahh

  7. I completely relate. It doesn’t happen often or as much as you feel it, but I do relate. It’s mostly within my friendship group. I’m there but I’m not there. I belong but I don’t. And then I go home, craving to talk to a friend or meet up with a friend during the holidays, and I realise ‘oh. I only have a small group of friends.’ Most of which are busy spending time with other friends, the rest never able to meet up. And that’s when the loneliness kicks in. Because I go on Snapchat or Instagram, looking at all the people from my school or all the people I used to know having an amazing time, meeting up with friends, going to concerts, having a blast. And I’m just there…alone.
    Perhaps I relate to this more than I first realised๐Ÿ˜”
    I’m trying to fix this though, I’m trying to join a club so I can make more friends and have another place for social interaction so I don’t feel so alone. Butttt finding a club and convincing myself to join is hard.
    Thank you Elm, for writing yet another relatable post!๐Ÿ™‚

    • Ohh shit, I get this so much. my circle of friends has narrowed because I feel alone but then that makes me feel worse when they’re all busy and it’s such a mess. What kind of club will you join? I want to do something like that, to feel more included and to just be happier. It’s good to try and solve things and I’m glad you are xx

      • Exactly๐Ÿ˜” Ummm, not too sure really. All the clubs out there are pretty physical activity based and I can’t do that. I have no idea how to find somewhere that’ll suit me๐Ÿ˜” I really hope you do join a club, I feel like it would help you, like it would help me. We won’t feel as if we’re just on a island in the middle of nowhere

      • That’s a good idea, I’ll look into that๐Ÿ˜Š Fingers crossed I find something!

  8. Thank you for opening up about this, I’ve literally spent all day trying to figure myself out and this has suddenly helped me realize some stuff.

  9. I can’t say I completely relate to what you are saying but I know you are having a hard time. I’m glad you’re finding ways around your lonelinessand remember you’ve got people who will always care for you even when you think they don’t.

    Sending you cat hugs, bear hugs, owl hugs and every other kind of hug imaginable(and you don’t have to accept them if you don’t want to!),

    • You’re basically the most awesomest awesomely awesome child ever THANK YOU AND YOU’RE RIGHT BUT I ALWAYS FORGET IT! I accept all the hugs because hugs are beautiful (except ones from snails or bees or anything like that) and I am sending every hug ever back at ya!

  10. It was really fun to talk to you about it and i guess i made my point that day itself.

  11. I relate to you so much but one emotion that I actually feel besides being lonely while with other people is that feeling rejected and unwelcome. I try to make more friends, chat with them more or just ineract, join with their group and even organize hangouts just not to feel lonely and neglected but everytime I’m with other I still feel the same way, maybe because I feel that the way they treat me nicely isn’t real, it’s just something they do so I won’t get hurt. I understand how you feel but it gets better I promise. We’re all here for you ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Arghh I totally understand but remember you ARE loved and people want to spend time with you!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you so much for the reassurance; I really appreciate it. I hope things get better for you too! xx

  12. I have this kind of thing that everything few months for a long period of time (like a month or so) where I feel like I don’t fit in and I don’t like to talk to people. It’s one of those things for me and close friends have noticed it too that it occurs around every few months. I get so depressed and then, I feel really really happy but never in the middle. But then, that makes me feel out of the group and lonely because I can’t get myself to fit in, however much I try to. I understand how you feel Elm xx

    • OHH yeess I get that too. With me I either feel lonely or alright nowadays I just never know which one it’s going to be. Thanks for your comment and just your amazing support xxx

  13. Omg. This happened to me near the end of last year! I stopped finding talking to friends fun, I lost interest in all the hobbies I once loved, and I ended up completely shutting down… and none of my “friends” even noticed. I felt like I was so alone and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully, once I realised how bad things were a weight lifted and things started getting better! You’ll get through this! What happened to me went on for about 5 weeks, how long have you been feeling like this?

  14. Hi Elm, I just discovered your blog and read through a lot of your posts, and I can honestly relate to so much of what you’re going through. Thank you so much for sharing all of your stories and feelings on your blog. I look forward to reading more of your posts. I know life can be tough, but keep on going! I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately too, however blogging really helps me so much. I hope you have a good day ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Same to you, Karissa ๐Ÿ™‚ You are such a lovely person! I understand your loneliness but you’re right – keeping going is what holds me together. Life has so much more to offer than loneliness and I’m looking forward to growing as a person. Thank you so so much for your comment; I really appreciate knowing I’m not alone xx

  15. I really resonated with this post as I totally feel this way atm. It’s such a strange, horrible feeling and it is difficult to shift the feeling of loneliness. I also feel, for me, that a lot of it is due to the fact that I don’t see my friends as much as I’d like (or very often for that matter). I’m in a constant cycle right now of wanting to meet more people and new friends that live closer but feeling too anxious to do so. I miss the feeling of having a really close friend to talk to/see every day and it sucks. I hope that you are feeling a little better and sending love and light your way โค

    • Hey, I totally get this!!! If you ever want to talk about it to someone who understands, I’m here ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s so hard to get rid of that feeling; I also wish I had friends much closer to home because I have to travel a lot to see most of mine. How are you feeling now? xx

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