I’m Scared Of Losing My Virginity

In the traditional sense of the word, I am a virgin.

I’m not ashamed to say it; I don’t want to hide the fact and I’m perfectly willing to be open about it. You may wonder why I would write a post on this topic if the fact of it doesn’t bother me so much. It’s simple: I’m scared of the idea of “losing” it.

I’ve spoken about sex with my friends before: S recently because he’s listened to my ramblings about the subject, Robin on holiday and at Christmas (she’s been my main source of information and I love her for it), Rapunzel, Wren and Red but there are few people who have heard me plainly say that the thought of having sex for the first time, of losing my virginity if you will, scares the living shit out of me. With friends and with advice, I’ll be as open as I like and I’m not afraid to talk about that kind of thing but the reality is, I have no clue what I’m doing. It’s time I truly admit to myself that I’m nervous of it and that it’s okay to be.

Searching for articles online, watching videos from Youtube and talking to people about my worries has helped me to figure it out but it still doesn’t make sense. I don’t really care about the pain: it doesn’t necessarily have to hurt. I’m only mildly paranoid about pregnancy because I’m aware of birth control – have a look at this if you’re unsure. With the practicalities, I’m not too fussed: you can get good advice with that and also, I know that it – of course – won’t be perfect the first time. Nothing ever is, usually, and that’s okay.

However, the absolute terror comes from my emotions. Or rather, the messed-up confusion that they’ve become. I don’t understand it: what I want, what I’d be comfortable with and who I’d be comfortable doing things with but I’ll have a go at explaining it. I’m so glad I have this platform to express this kind of thing.

Recently or maybe since October, I haven’t trusted anyone really with the idea of physical intimacy. Even now, when I’m over the situations that have happened to me, I have a wariness I can’t shake. Whether I’m in a relationship or not, I feel like to “lose” my virginity, I’d have to trust the person a lot. That trust would be in the sense of being fine around them if something went “wrong”, being able to tell them I didn’t want to do something or trusting them enough that they wouldn’t tell people what happened if I didn’t want them to. They would also have to know me quite well because I have a few personality traits, like paranoia over very very small things, that they’d have to understand to get why I might be scared. With this kind of thing – that goes for physical and emotional relationships – it’s so important to communicate well with the person or people you’re involved with. If they don’t know how you feel, then you could wind up being scared of something and not being able to tell them or they wouldn’t understand.

To gain that trust would take a while for me; I’d be too nervous and would question everything they thought of me because I’m that sort of person. Just to say: if you find that you don’t have to trust the person then that’s completely fine: everyone has their own expectations and thoughts about sex or not having sex. Personally, the idea of letting someone in enough for me to feel comfortable in my body around me makes me scared simply because when I become capable of that, I won’t be able to rush into things which may prolong the nerves. Previously, I rushed into things a lot so I’m almost “used” to that feeling but I need to remember that not everything is about getting Experiences; sometimes, you have to take a step back to examine and figure out your feelings before you do anything.

As of yet, I haven’t been treated like a child for being a virgin except by one person and they don’t count because they treated me like a child in a lot of respects. I’m not necessarily worried about what age I “lose” it: I’m 17 now and as much as some days I’d like to have that experience now so I know what it’s like, building up that trust first is important because if I didn’t, I would feel sick with myself afterwards and I never ever want to feel like that again. I know I would be safe; it’s not about that: it’s about how I may react after.

Often, I call myself “prickly” or “worried” as a general rule. I’m able to get close to people but unlike before, it doesn’t come easily and I don’t always trust that they would actually be there for me. In terms of virginity, leading up to it or after, I have a feeling that I may then block everything out out of fear. This is why I need to have that trust so that if that happens, the person – whatever gender they happen to be – will understand.

Basically, it’s all about trust. I’m scared of myself, of people’s reactions and of that trust disappearing. I don’t know if I would be able to tell one singular person everything that has happened for fear of being judged but I suppose people don’t need to know everything because no one does currently apart from, I think, myself. I know that I will find that person but it’ll take time, time I don’t know how to invest properly.

Whenever I think about the act itself, I get really nervous because of this. I laugh when anyone suggests it because I find it hilarious but beneath that, there’s a lingering terror that it’ll never happen or when it does, I’ll feel wrong or I’ll do something stupid. I suppose, though, that it won’t go perfectly right but that just means that I have something to compare other experiences to. It’s okay for things not to go perfectly. I need to remember that.

How do you feel about losing your virginity if you haven’t, or how did you feel when you lost it? I’m not asking you to comment if you’re not comfortable because this can be a very Personal topic to some people. Just think about it and if you ever need to talk about anything, like your fears and worries, you can email me. I may not be able to necessarily help but I’ll always listen and do my best to give you advice.

Don’t be worried about talking about this. Originally I was scared of posting this because I thought it’d be too mature but for those interested in having sex, this can be an important topic and for those not, it can be interesting to read about. If you want to lose it then that’s fine; if you don’t, it’s also fine. What you feel is personal to you because it’s your and no one should control it, or your emotions, but you.

From Elm πŸ™‚

34 thoughts on “I’m Scared Of Losing My Virginity

  1. I’ve been where you are! I am 18 now and I lost my virginity a couple months ago when I was 17. And I was scared of the fact that id be exposed to someone, I didn’t think I’d lose it to anyone who wasn’t my boyfriend and at the time I didn’t know the guy to well but I trusted him and I think you will know when you’re ready, because at the time I wasn’t scared. I think that one day something will just change within you and you won’t be scared anymore. It has a lot to do with how the guy makes you feel. I didn’t have the best experience I bled so much and not knowing the guy too well it could have been a disaster but he made me feel like nothing was wrong at all. So I really do believe it depends on how the other person makes you feel. You won’t feel scared if you do it will the right person I believe ❀️

    • Ahh thanks for that! πŸ™‚ I know that you’re right and it’s just about finding the right person for me, because sometimes what’s right for one person is wrong for another. I’m sorry that your experience wasn’t the best but I’m glad you weren’t made to feel bad about it; I think one of the most important things is to be positive or try to be! Thanks so much for sharing that; it comforted me a lot because it made things feel a little less scary. Knowing that even if things don’t go well, it’s okay is great to hear.

  2. Well articulated and thoughtful post. This is something more people should discuss-teenagers as well as adults with their children. It’s one thing to have the birds and the bees talk but I think speaking about being sexually active is also very important. Well done for being open about this 😊

    • Thank you very much and I totally agree! I believe everyone should be taught about sex, sexual health, consent and positivity because often expectations make people very anxious, as I’ve found through my mind. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and I’m happy you liked this post!

  3. […] woke up this morning knowing I forgot to say a few things in my last post. Thanks to Elm and her post, I remembered one of the things that actually had a huge impact on me. Thanks, Elm! πŸ™‚ Throughout […]

    • It makes me so happy that you feel less alone now; I’m really glad i could help! Remember that you’re not alone but that it’s okay to be nervous too xx

    • I’m glad I could let people know that πŸ™‚ I just want to help as much as possible because I understand the fear. There can be so much pressure xx

  4. Growing up in a religious setting is what made anything sex-related difficult to approach. I was conflicted between the body’s natural responses and the whole merciless judgement (heavenly and worldly) that came with the territory. I was also unaffectionate and prude for years which earned me the nickname ice princess from my mom. There was just too much I didn’t know or trust about people and sex. I only knew that I didn’t want to get pregnant, I didn’t want to get STDs, and I didn’t want the emotional confusion that came with sex should one party be more wanting/giving than the other. I lost my virginity the year I turned 21 y/o. I had thought I had finally found someone to really love but the experience was lackluster—as if something wasn’t really complete about it. Even today I feel like I wasted my first but you live and learn *shrugs* From my own experience, I came to the conclusion that sex is better when both sides have selfless love and an earnest desire for one another which I have with my husband~ πŸ˜€ woot!

    • Thank you so so much for sharing this; it really gives me perspective. I’m very glad you’re happy now; it’s so important to trust and feel comfortable! Xx

  5. This is such an important topic and I’m really glad that you can discuss it in a mature manner. I’m 14, so right now the idea of losing my virginity is way out of my mind. I’ve literally never even dated anyone before, or even kissed anyone. But I don’t mind. One of my close friends doesn’t understand how I’ve managed to remain so innocent. Like I’ve never even been asked out. Oh well. But I have another friend who lost her virginity to a guy she’d been dating for two weeks, and she regretted it so much. She was not ready, and after he told people at school and the rumour spread. She had to go to a psychiatrist so that she could work through what had happened and learn how to deal with it. She also, because of the bullying, developed depression and social anxiety and attempted suicide. But she is better now, that happened back in January. She doesn’t talk to the guy who started this anymore, even though they were friends for a long time before. She’s learnt to deal with what has happened, and even though she knows she’s not a virgin, she still believe she is, and I guess in a way, mentally, she is still a virgin. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying it to definitely make sure you’re ready before you how to far with the wrong person. πŸ’™πŸ˜Š

    • That’s so true πŸ™‚ I’m glad your friend’s okay now but it must have been an awful experience to go through. Ahh i’m happy you found this post important πŸ™‚ xx

      • Yeah, I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to be in her situation

  6. Honestly, I’m going fifteen soon and a good few of my friends have lost theirs or have had other types of sexual encounters at this stage. I’m the youngest in my year, birthday in August and I’ll always be the youngest – I have a friend who’s birthday is in September, she’s basically a year older than me😬. To cut to the chase, loosing my virginity also scares me a lot – like you say I’m not worried it’ll hurt, I can deal with that, but more I know that people are bitchy and they’d talk about it, somehow it would get out. Also, I literally am so awkward in that sort of a situation and I just know if it went badly (and lol it would) I would beat myself up about it for months. Not a fun thought for me, but also I feel kind of inevitable.

    • Yeah I get you there but remember if people DO talk, they’re the immature ones and should know that physical experiences are personal to you. Never be ashamed of your age or what you’ve done in relation to your friends πŸ™‚ This is all about YOU and how you feel, plus when you’re ready xx

      • True, but it can’t really be helped when basically all schools are full of bitchy people! I don’t think it would ‘blow up’ that much at school so to speak, but it’s defo not on the cards anyway so no worries thereπŸ˜‚

  7. Congratulations for your clear minds! There is one way to overcome that fear: getting married before having sex. I am a 37 year old virgin males. I will remain virgin until marriage or virgin the rest of my life in case I do not marry. Mu integrity is something I value.

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