I Am Not

Writing a post whilst upset and hurt is never a good idea but perhaps it can be as I need to let these emotions out. Excuse any confusing sentences or strong language.

I am not a slut if I do things that other people find “questionable”. My body is my own and if I feel comfortable doing something, I’ll do it: the consequences may be difficult to deal with but that’s okay. I don’t need people who don’t even know me questioning my decisions and thinking that I have no morals, just because I did something I wanted to do a while ago.

Conversely, I’m not a prude if I don’t want to talk about things. Sometimes I feel fine discussing everything, sometimes I don’t; with some people I’m okay with it and with others, I’m not. One day I may be perfectly fine talking about everything that happened and another I’ll feel unpleasant about it and just not want to. If someone asks me a question and I don’t want to answer, that’s alright because I still have boundaries.

I’m not oversensitive if I get upset because of a situation. I may portray that I’m not bothered by anything but that’s a complete fucking lie; I’m still human and still have feelings. I don’t know how I feel the majority of the time so if I stop talking, it’s usually because I just don’t want to talk; it’s nothing against the person, it’s just because I want to get out.

I am not disgusting for being a liar. I think that about myself every single day and so others thinking that of me just reaffirms it. There are many reasons why I might lie: I don’t know what other people know, I don’t know if I’m about to be made fun of, I don’t trust the person or I don’t want to talk or think about it. Lying is not a good thing but sometimes it’s necessary, except when you get caught out and want to scream because you’re panicking too much to breathe.

I am not pathetic for being paranoid that information is going to get out to everyone. It makes me feel ill because I’ve told different people different things and yes, that’s awful, but some things I really need to stay private because everyone will know what goes on in my life, including people who just could not understand and who have never spoken to me. I’m not in the slightest okay with that so I shut myself off to everything.

I’m not over-reacting if I feel dirty, disgusting or sick. Occasionally, I want to wash all of it away; I stood there shaking earlier because I didn’t want to face the reality of everything. I felt horrible, like things were crawling on my skin, like I was something to be despised and someone to be disgusted at. In my head, the thoughts were screaming and I couldn’t catch my breath but I just. Felt. Awful. Some people would say that’s blowing things out of proportion but when you feel that creeping dread, you know that you can’t shake it.

I am not a coward for wanting to run away from everything. Avoiding your problems won’t solve anything but I want to try sometimes. I’m tired of potentially getting judged and of feeling like that people believe I’m nothing but a slut. I’m tired of refusing to defend my actions and I’m exhausted at the possibility of conflict.

If people call me these things, I’ll tell them that I’ve already called myself them more times than they can count. People’s opinions and actions towards you should never influence your self-worth. No matter how many times people twist it, your thoughts are yours.

Thinking positively about yourself is so hard, I know, especially is you believe people are making assumptions about you. If you’ve been in a situation which makes you hate yourself, remember this: you can always learn and if people judge you on one thing you did, it’s them that can’t understand you. Only you truly know what you’re thinking and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

When things start to get too much, tell yourself this: I’m strong. I am not a terrible person.

I’m not what they say I am.

From Elm πŸ™‚

33 thoughts on “I Am Not

  1. *hugs you tightly*

    this is for you

    you are not composed of the words others tarnish you with
    nor lethal or leaking the poison others try to fill you with
    you’re not the demon your mind paints you to be when you need rescuing from a wreckage of thoughts
    you’re human
    with a beating heart

    thud thud

    can YOU hear that?

    you’re perfect just the way you
    and your perfection is a saviour to many people

    p.s i will email you later. miss you loads x

    • I love you so so much and I’ve missed your words. You know just how to make me feel better in myself and I really, really appreciate that. Keep on doing what you do and being who you are xxx

  2. Hey Elm, trust me, I know that all of the crap others say about you hurts, I’ve unfortunately had a lot of experience with this too. However, just remember that at the end of the day, self love is the most important thing. You seem like such a wonderful person, so stay strong. Remember that this is your life, and you are free to live it however you please. Keep going and hold your head high!

    • I’ll try my best πŸ™‚ it’s just so hard when I don’t know if people will understand why I did things, especially because I don’t even understand it myself. Aargh – but thank you so so much for your comment, Karissa. You’re right: this is my life; I just don’t want to mess that life up.

  3. Thoughtful post. I know that the Stoic philosophy has problems, but I’m a huge fan and think this point will resonate with you: “a man [or Elm] is as miserable as he thinks he is – there are things we can’t control, not least the way other people perceive us or behave towards us, and much of our unhappiness is caused by thinking we have control over something we do not.”

    • I really like that way of looking at things. Thanks for it πŸ™‚ things just get a bit much sometimes and I’m scared of things that are totally out of my control. I suppose that’s what life is, though, that that’s okay. Also, nice addition of the Elm there πŸ˜€

  4. Preach it Elm…PREACH!! You have such an amazing way with words, and once again you’ve inspired me. I’m thinking of you, I hope you’re ok. *hugggeee huggg*

    • I’m… Bleh. I WILL be okay; I just need to seriously think about the stupid shit I’ve done as opposed to blocking it out. I’m really glad you like this post; it was quite difficult to write but I’m happy that I wrote it

      • Yes you will be ok, I’m certain of it😊 You’re such a strong person. And remember, when thinking about things you’ve done that you didn’t like, try not to beat yourself up about it! I know, easier said than done, but always remember that you’re an amazing person, and just like everyone else you have flaws❀ Yeah, it’s great that you wrote it. Blogging is an awesome outlet after all!

  5. Hi Elm, what happened. Lets talk about it over skype. Please do not be upset.

    • I’m alright; I’m just very, very tired. And well, trying to sort out what I’m doing πŸ™‚ Thanks for checking AND YASSS I’M GLAD YOU LIKE THIS POST

  6. Oh no. Does this have something to do with that virginity post a while ago? I’m so sorry that something has happened, and I know what it’s like to tell certain people certain things depending on how much you trust them. Remember, I’m always here to talk to, and I’d NEVER call you a slut or judge your actions, and NO ONE has the RIGHT to do that! I really hope that whatever has happened can be solved, and I hope that you can find the time and space to forgive YOURSELF for whatever you may have done, as that is the first step in moving forward. I’m always here for you Elm, just like you’ve been there for me.
    Indy xx

    • Thank you πŸ™‚ it’s not to do with virginity but I still feel awful. I don’t know. I just wish I’d done some shit differently but then again, everything teaches you something. Thanks for always being here, Indy xx

      • You know, I think you should watch Will Darbyshire’s youtube video “Time”. Its about the question “if you could go back in time would you change anything?” I think you might find it helpful πŸ’™

      • I’m gonna watch it as soon as I get back from volunteering tomorrow πŸ™‚ thanks for the rec!

  7. Hey Elm,

    You are AMAZING and you have to remember that no matter what happens. Nobody has the right to judge you for what you do, because it’s your body, your life, and your choices. Keep a positive outlook and remember how wonderful and special you are ❀

    • I tried to write a reply to this but I’m not sure if it went through. Thanks so much, Joce πŸ™‚ I just don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll get there πŸ™‚ I hope. With people like you supporting me, it won’t be as difficult and I appreciate that so much xx

  8. Another brilliant post with an amazing message! I don’t think I will be able to match the amazing advice of the other comments. But what I do have to say is that the only one who knows who you truly are is you, even if it feels like you don’t know yourself sometime.

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I really appreciate that. I’m just so scared because I want to be able to understand myself.

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