I’m a Little Bit of a Mess

One thing that people start to realise about me very quickly is that I hardly ever do something someone tells me to straight away. It’s taken me months, for example, to be able to understand I need help and to properly implement that, with the encouragement, logic and screaming of my friends. It takes me a while to do absolutely anything because I try and reason why it would be a bad idea but finally, finally I did something.

This is a really quick post to just say, well, sorry for vanishing off the blogosphere for a few days. I know that this is my blog but I care about you guys and so not reading your blogs or not having the motivation to do it has wrecked my mind a little.

Truth be told, I don’t feel great and I’ve been ignoring it, yet again. I’m still unsure as to exactly why; it’s partly stress and partly that overwhelming terror you get when everything’s too much and you feel cold; you can’t breathe from it. I don’t know. I’m sad when there’s no logical reason why I should be.

Last week, I spoke to my Head of Year and cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. I wasted a bunch of tissues, sobbed, shook so hard that I violently panicked and was utterly unable to articulate what was wrong. We eventually came to the conclusion that I was sad, it was okay but that I was thoroughly unused to not coping publically. I’m going to see her this week too; I’m scared because I know I’ll panic and repeat the words “I don’t know,” “I can’t” and “I have no idea” a lot. I don’t like it. Not having a proper channel for my worries is making me skittish.

I hide things. On the surface, I tell people I’m not feeling good, I’m tired and that I’m not okay but I don’t often say why. It’s a coping mechanism because if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop but it’s also because sometimes it’s effort to trawl through my mind’s complicated maze-like thoughts. I never know what I feel or don’t feel and I’m so desperately sad sometimes that I want to scream, so lonely with no explanation that everything feels hazy.

Everything with which I used to gain enjoyment is now less fun; it’s worrying. I still sing, write, blog, talk to people but it doesn’t have the same fire for me. In my mind, I know it’s temporary, that it will pass and I’ll get that spark of life but for now, I don’t feel happy and I don’t feel like I have a purpose with it. It makes me sad as I want to truly love the things I do.

Luckily, I have something now with which to get this out. My head of year isn’t the perfect solution – she’d tell my parents if she started to worry a lot, which she inevitably will. My dad knowing about my fears is okay but with my mum, she treats it like it’s nothing and like it’s normal, like it’s your average teenage phase. Is it? Am I making this all up? Am I just being an overdramatic lazy bitch? I hope not.

I told her about my blog. I felt like I had to: as it’s a huge part of my life, it’s something that will come up in conversation in order to let her properly understand what’s been happening. As well as that, she’s emailed all my teachers to tell them I’m feeling anxious, all the time because as I said to her, “I feel sad every day.” For now, I’m going to talk about the shallower things to her but when I feel a little more comfortable, I may get onto the paranoia, self-hatred, anger and insecurity. That is, if she’ll properly listen and not brush things off – she has never done that, though, so it’ll be okay.

There are still things I’m happy about, like my friends and the laughter that still comes easily. I’m going to write about the open day I went to on Saturday which made me feel more connected to everything. It’s not all ‘doom and gloom’, as my mother likes to say. It’s just that at the moment, I’m trembling, my eyes are watering and I feel freezing.

If this is the first thing you’ve ever read from me, I’m not even going to apologise and say ‘this is not the usual me’. It is the usual me sometimes and that’s alright. To know a person, you have to know all their parts: good, bad and things in between.

Never apologise for feeling how you do and expressing those feelings; I feel more free and liberated. I didn’t plan this and haven’t thought much about what I want to write. I’m writing this at night, meaning that all my filters are down and I can post this tomorrow without feeling intensely guilty. What is there to feel guilty about, though? There isn’t a thing wrong with helping yourself by telling the people who mean the most to you a little of what’s really wrong.

I still don’t know how I properly feel. Sometimes, you don’t have to know. However, I’m on my way to analysing those feelings. Even though my friends forced me into it, going to see my head of year might just be the thing that forces me to acknowledge that I do have feelings and that I should deal with them, rather than pushing them aside and running.

You’re human. A human can only take so much until they break from the strain of trying to keep things together. Breaking is okay and natural; you aren’t pathetic for it. Telling people you’re an unexplained mess is something you can do. You don’t have to have reasons; you just have to feel. Remember that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

31 thoughts on “I’m a Little Bit of a Mess

  1. Hi Elm. I think I can relate to some of the things you are feeling right now. I’m not a sociable person. Most of the times I want to be alone yet I also I want to be surrounded by people because I get so scared that I’m wasting my life and I don’t make connections with people and such. There’s this feeling that “I am much better alone”. I don’t talk much and mingle with people because my past experiences left me bad memories and I don’t want to experiece them again. I am also moody, sometimes overly happy and sometimes overly sad. And I don’t even know why. I’m a psychology practitioner and maybe being aware of these things happening to myself is a great advantage in adjusting to my surroundings and all. I agree with you, you don’t have to have reasons; nor should feel obligated to tell people why you’re in such state. Because you’re human, and everything a person experiences is unique in every possible way. Hope you feel better soon 😊

    • I hope that you know that you saying this has really cheered me up πŸ™‚ Also remember, for yourself, that YOU don’t have to have reasons. The human brain is complex in its internal mental processes. You sometimes can’t control them and that’s okay. Feeling moody and perhaps volatile isn’t your fault either. I know that you may not know me but if you do ever need someone to talk to, despite the fact that I’m younger to you and a stranger, I’m here. Sometimes people like that can be the best and easiest to talk to. Just know that you’ve let me breathe a little easier πŸ™‚

  2. “Breaking is okay and natural; you aren’t pathetic for it. “…
    We have to break once in a while so we can be put back as a new “whole”, i guess…

    • You’re exactly right! I’ll just need to remind myself of that a lot so that I don’t get sucked back into the blaming myself chasm. Thanks for your comment! πŸ™‚

  3. I can definitely relate to this! Being so stressed out and not being able to catch your breath or a break. It’s not easy at all. It’s good that you’ve opened up to the people around you. Some burdens you don’t have to carry on your own! Remember too to be kind to yourself! Put yourself first for a while and catch your breath! Do what you have to do to get where you need to be and you’ll thank yourself for it.

    • Ahh, I hope so! I’m one of the people who blames themselves for things that aren’t even my fault but I’m working on it. Your reassurance really helps! I’m just trying to slowly get myself back together. It might take days, weeks, months or years but that’s okay πŸ™‚ I do feel like I can’t catch my breath because of anxiety a LOT of the time – I’m so happy that you can summarise my thoughts so well! Often, I find that difficult

  4. Elm, I’m sure so many people can relate. A few months ago I got really stressed out too. I guess it was just kind of a phase though and I got over it. But I totally understand the feeling of everything just being down in the dumps and being unable to shake off my melancholy. What really helped me was writing about it in my journal. Once all of my feelings were out on paper it felt like weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I didn’t feel so bad anymore. Since you’re a writer, I’m gonna bet this will help. Also, for me it was sort of a seasonal thing; during winter and the long weeks of rain and gray skies, it made me sad. We all get insecure sometimes- it’s from times like that that we grow stronger.
    Best of luck,

    • Yes you’re exactly right! Like you said, writing will really help me! It always has. Also, winter always seems to get me down too 😦 I’m glad you’re doing much better now! If you do ever feel down, I’m always here to talk because you’ve been so so kind to me xx

  5. I’m so happy you’re speaking to people about it and it’s good that you’re seeking help even if it took you time to do it. I hope you will feel that spark again soon and I know you will again, lots of love xx

    • I hope I will too. My illogical mind is telling me “NO YOU WOOON’t” but I’ve decided to turn that voice off or try for a little. Thanks for everything, Astrid πŸ™‚ xx

  6. You’re so brave, and what you said at the end about showing those emotions is really important. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like you do, just keep soldiering on- like you said, breaking is natural πŸ™‚ lots of love xx

  7. It’s so important to talk about the bad feelings. I’m happy you’re being able to do that.
    And I can completely relate to this all. From time to time I get very sad and depressed for no apparent reason and it makes me feel so so desperate for not being able to explain it or to shake it off.(therapy helped a lot with this)
    Give yourself time to heal, to breathe and keep acknowledging your feelings.
    I hope you can feel better in the future and get back your spark of life.

    • Thank you – so much for this. It’s just so tricky sometimes because I never trust my feelings really and I need to start trusting them πŸ™‚ You recounting your experience really helped actually! Thanks for being here; your comments make me happy xx

  8. I thought I posted a comment, but I guess it didn’t, haha. Reading this reminded me of myself 2/3 years ago. I can bet you that when I was in school, probably every teacher has seen me cry at least once. I was sad and I didn’t know why. It really is a journey, sometimes there is no reason and you don’t have to apologise for having emotions. It’s better to cry and tell someone than keep it all in. You can get through this!

    • Ahh, I hope so! πŸ™‚ I just want to be able to do things and talk to teachers without crying and sobbing. Your story helped me and shows me that things really WILL be okay xx

  9. Absolutely brilliant, honest post. I can relate to this so much especially regarding feelings of sadness and anxiousness. I’m so glad to hear that you opened up to your Head of year and I do hope it helped you and will continue to help. I opened up to my head of year who was also our school guidance counsellor properly in my third year and I continued meeting with her on a regular basis right up until sixth year. I have to to say doing that was one of the best things I ever did as having someone to talk to or even know will listen and care is an enormous comfort and brilliant to have. Now that I’ve recently left school I’m going to miss those meetings with her a lot!!
    Opening up is a huge step and I understand how difficult that can be so a huge well done for doing so, that’s so courageous. You don’t have to say everything all at once, just in your own time.
    Take care and I do hope things improve for you very soon, it’s a long journey but you’ll get there and we’re all in this together, here for you always. 😊

    • Always, always same to you! I’m really glad that it helped for you πŸ™‚ That’s one of the most important things! It’s great to know that you feel better as well; it’s actually quite reassuring. I really appreciate your support!

  10. Hi! I’m so happy that you’ve got someone that your able to talk to about these things, definitely don’t think that your being over dramatic or that your feelings are invalid just because your a teenager. It’s a tough time, and everyone copes with it differently, some people just need more support than others. I definitely would have gotten this far without people to vent to πŸ˜„. I really hope you get your spark back soon, but I also feel like the bad times, as much as i may try to wish them away, do help put things into perspective and help me appreciate the good times so much more (if that makes any sense). I’m so glad you chose to share this, I’ve been feeling pretty similar recently too due to exam stress etc… and it feels so isolating, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I’m always here if you need anyone to talk to! Xxx

    • YESSS exactly! Exam stress can be a big cause of feeling awful 😦 Have you done all of yours? I think we do need the bad times to really appreciate the good but not to the point where you feel overwhelmed and sad all the time. That’s when things can get destructive and painful inside your mind. If you do EVER need to talk and I mean ever, drop me an email πŸ™‚ I’m always always here! You’ve been here for me so I’ll always do the same for you because I understand how hard it can be xx

      • I finished my a level mocks on Wednesday so I’m free to calm down a bit πŸ˜„ and I think your right, there is a point where bad times are more than just that and it can feel so painful, I really hope you feel better soon! Thank you very much! Xxx

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