An Update On My Mental Health

I am so tired.

Sitting here in the evening, with everything around me silent, I can’t help but think I should feel calm or somehow rested. I don’t. I feel sad, annoyed, frustrated but yet somehow disconnected. This is how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks and I want to talk to you as frankly as possible, in the only way I know how. For me, blogging about it is the only way I feel comfortable even thinking about my jumbled mind.

3 days ago, I had what can only be described as a mild panic attack in front of my mum. It was over something small: my sister had moved my hair removal cream and had used it. I now no longer knew where it was. I utterly flipped out at about 9 o’clock in the evening: it slowly evolved from me getting agitated about my lack of ability to understand that because my sister has a mental illness, she can’t realise that what she’s doing makes me anxious to me gasping for breath and wailing about how terrible I feel and about how, sometimes, I hate myself. I felt selfish and needy for doing it but in some ways, it was a release of pent up anger and emotion.

I honestly can’t remember all of what I said. I downplayed it but made sure to truthfully tell her that I didn’t always feel like this, that there were days where I was fine but that I did feel anxious pretty much all the time. Standing on the landing, I got upset at how my mum tried to make excuses for both me and my sister. I told her that I didn’t tell my dad much at all (a lie) and that I’d been seeing my head of year about how I felt (a truth but I didn’t tell her what I spoke about). At this point, I was miserable and whenever she tried to hug me I flinched away; I really didn’t want anyone near me, especially not her at that moment because she was so incredibly surprised that I was having this “meltdown”, as she phrased it to my dad in a text later.

My mother is incredibly difficult to talk to and so I hardly ever do; however, afterwards, she suggested I spoke to her more – I think I will. More importantly, she said I should go and speak to the GP and maybe get a referral to a counsellor, or something such as that. Bringing her own experiences into it didn’t help me as much as, I think, she hoped it would because my mind flashed back to the points where she didn’t feel sympathy for me at all and, years and years ago, treated my sister terribly. I had to let it go, though; I don’t hold it against her any more because she did help me by putting things into perspective.

The fact is, I feel like I’m seconds away from falling apart utterly. I’m so sad now that I can’t think properly but I’ll try. Here’s a list of all the things, or as much as I want to say, that are making me anxious, panicky or that make me feel numb.

• I literally have no motivation to do anything at all
• I haven’t read blogs and I have this irrational paranoia that I’m an awful blogger – I know this isn’t founded in truth and may look like I’m crying for attention but I know I’m acting stupidly; you guys have always supported me
• I have feelings for someone currently but whenever I think about it, I want to just sob because it wouldn’t work out; trying anything would be a waste of time and would make things painful and complex
• I’m scared of seeing the GP because if I’m having a bad day and am especially erratic, they may refer me to something which is too serious and if I say the counsellor or any other person, they may think it’s worse than it is – I explained this to my mum
• I don’t understand if many of my thoughts are real or based on truth; I always get scared that I’m making stuff up in my head
• All my work that I have to do is too much, too huge and even thinking about it is panicking me
• I never follow my own advice; I’m a hypocrite
• I feel bad but I’m sometimes unable to deal with people who even irritate me slightly
• The self-depreciating dialogue inside my head has grown so much worse but I never know if I’m just putting it on or what I really feel towards anything
• I’m so, so confused

I don’t know. I need sleep but I don’t know if this sleep will leave me feeling refreshed or if my thoughts are going to crowd in on me again. I don’t know how to write this post so that it’ll alleviate some of my worry; am I going about this the wrong way?

This evening, I also spoke to my sister about it; I’ve barely told anybody else because I just don’t want to think about it. She was great but did point out to me that with my mum, I can’t lash out because that’ll make it worse. People know how sad I’ve been but it’s so hard to go into the extent of why: that I feel blank sometimes and sad the next; that one day I won’t do anything productive for hours and hours and the next I’ll have such good intentions but only complete a few of them.

Now I think on it, writing this post has helped, if only because I’m a little relieved that I can get this out there. This isn’t supposed to make sense; my mind’s whirling and I can hardly think for the worry that I’m running out of time in every single aspect of my life.

I just want to be happy. My head of year said that I need to start actively doing something, just little things to help. On the other hand, before I do anything I have to acknowledge that there’s something wrong. I have to accept that I’m not feeling good and why – or try to piece the reasons together by writing the “stream of consciousness” that this has turned into.

Only when you truly know what’s happening with yourself can you start to implement little things to help. That might involve sorting through your thoughts – something I’m not good at so I understand – but once you have a little idea, you can start to help yourself a bit more. If you can’t do that, others can help; it’s almost good that I had the panic in front of my mum because even for the way she handles things sometimes, she can do something to help.

You can be in control of your own mind; it takes time and effort and it won’t be easy but it can be done. If you feel unexplainably bad, perhaps start trying to work through the reasons. That can be triggered by an event like I had or a sudden realisation: this is you and so I can’t dictate to you how it’ll work. Only you can do that.

Things will get better but it won’t happen overnight. I’m so exhausted but I have to give it time, effort and a willingness to get a little better, slowly. I think I can do that.

From Elm 🙂

55 thoughts on “An Update On My Mental Health

  1. Elm, so proud of you just for being who you are. I relate to how you feel and know what it’s like to struggle with anxiety and to just want to let it all go and be happy – sometimes it seems impossible. But you always manage to get past it, and somehow also encourage others the entire time! Love ya, girl ❤

  2. Elm… 💜💜 you know I’m always here, I may not always be good at helping but I’ll try my hardest… u know how to get in touch with me… just whenever u feel down, remember that there is someone who cares about u, me!!! Love ya 💜💜💜💜💜 xxx

  3. Elm, you were very brave to write this (you’ve probably heard that so many times before but it’s true) you are not running out of time in life, I can relate to that so much but know that the cards you have been dealt are because somebody out there thinks they will silently making you stronger. Although you may not be feeling that way, judging by this post alone you have already come so far in giving the people around you an insight into what you are going through. If you do go see your GP don’t worry, its best if he does see you on a bad day as then you will be given the support you deserve, and they wont refer you to something until they are completely confident that it is the right direction for you as they worry about making a mistake just as much because your health is their priority. Your head of year is right, little things help (I was once told that the work that everyone else can do is an elephant but I have to eat the elephant in small bites and will get there in the end…sounds weird now 🙈😂 but you will get there too! You have already taken steps forward by even considering seeing a GP 💗💗

    • Ahh, thank you so so much! I’m just really scared; I had a complete breakdown yesterday and it was terrifying which further emphasises that I have to go and see someone. I hope things can be sorted out 😦 And I hope things are okay with you too. Thanks for being so lovely and helping me out, just talking to me and reassuring me xxx

  4. I’m so glad this post seems to be helping! I completely understand how you’re feeling ♥ I can try give you advice on all the things you listed, but obviously I don’t know the full situations. So maybe try breaking it down even more; take one of those things and make it into tiny problems, then work on fixing them when they’re smaller. Same goes with talking to your mum! Start with small things, see how she reacts, then build up to bigger stuff. That’s the sort of thinking that helps me a lot. Always here for you if you need it ♥♥

    • Thank you SO much, Victoria! I think that’s a great way of doing things – I get quite overwhelmed very quickly when it comes to my problems. I never know how to approach them because they’re often too big and my brain tells me I can’t handle it so what you’ve said is great. I tried speaking to my mum a bit more but it’s so difficult because I never know how she’ll react. But thank you again; you’re such a lovely person xx

  5. It’s really great that you’re writing about this, it’s good to express your feelings. I resonate with so many of the things you’ve said you’re anxious about in this post, and I feel like you’ve really helped me. Thank you! 🙂

    • It makes me so happy to know that I can help you 🙂 along with helping myself understand how I feel, it’s all I want to do: to show people they’re not alone. It’s one of the most important things. If you ever need advice or just comfort from anyone, I’ll always be here so you can vent about the things you’re anxious about. You can drop me an email any time xx

  6. hang in there elm, we are all here for you. i know it might not seem like it now but soon enough this will pass and everything will be clear again. ❤ i understand how you feel. mental health is such a tricky thing. but if posting about it helps you then write as much posts as you need even if it is 5000 because your happiness is the most important thing. i'm always here to support you ❤ ❤

    • Ohhh that means so much 🙂 I’m kind of struggling right now but I’m doing okay. Thanks so much for your support, Evie – this takes time but I’m willing to put time in to help myself. People like you just motivate me to keep going xx

  7. Elm, you know I’m always here, I may not always be good at helping but I’ll try my hardest… u know how to get in touch with me… just whenever u feel down, remember that there is someone who cares about u, me!!! Love ya 💖💖💖💖💖 Xxx

  8. It’s great that you’ve managed to write this post and express your emotions on it. We’re all here for you 🙂
    Going to the GP does sound scary but I think overall it will help, as the doctors will want to do what’s best for you.
    I love your blog soo soooo much, it’s inspiring and wonderful and heartfelt, and it’s certainly not awful like you said. Lots of love xxxx

    • Thank you so so much, Sunset ❤ I LOVE your blog so much too! I'm just quite scared at the moment; I don't want to feel like this and so seeing the GP will help I hope! I had a really bad breakdown yesterday and so I think I really should go and see someone xx

  9. Hi Elm,
    Even though you may not believe me when I say this, you are amazing blogger. You have inspired so many people, you are bravely open and honest about your life and it is a real honour to be able to read your posts. The GP will understand what is happening, and even if you feel that they may think things are worse than they are, just remember that they are used to situations like yours and will be able to judge the severity of the situation no matter how you are on the day.
    If you think it would help you could try writing down any thoughts that confuse you just in a brain dump kind of way to get them out of your head, and go through them and note down a bit of evidence for each one, or talk them through with a close friend or relative.
    I know lots of people say this, but if you ever want to talk please get in touch with me. I’m finding it a bit hard with my friends at the moment and i’ve found that talking to my family about it has given me more confidence to deal with the situation.
    Georgie x

    • Ohh Georgie, thank you! 🙂 Honestly the fact that you’re here and helping me, willing to listen, is just amazing. I think that writing things down will help: it always has before; I don’t want to have to structure it though because my thoughts are far from structured.
      I’d love to get in contact 🙂 I understand what you mean about friends. What’s your email?
      Thanks again for being here and being such a good friend!
      Elm xx

  10. Girl, I haven’t talked to you nor have I blogged in like 10834549839454 years, but I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this way. Just know that you are most definitely NOT alone. I think everyone at some point in their life goes through this rough patch of depression, and as much as it sucks the only real way to heal it is to give it time. Give yourself some time to figure yourself out. Time. Time. Time. Believe me all wounds heal and life keeps kicking it. You’ll get through it.

    • YAAAS, time is the key. TIME. TIMEEE! It’s so hard though like I never know if I’m going about this right or if I’m doing more harm than good if that makes sense?? Also HELLOOOO 🙂 How have you been?? Don’t worry about not blogging! I totally get that ❤ xx

  11. It makes me sad to hear you’re going through this. I know that there’s not much help I can offer but know that you’re not alone and that your blog is an AMAZING part of the internet. Don’t be so hard on yourself and write about this as much as you feel like. And remember to reward yourself and be proud for every little thing you accomplish.
    I have been dealing with depression for some years now and can relate to some of the feelings and fears you wrote about. I think talking to the GP will really help.
    I hope you can feel better in the future
    And remember to give yourself time to heal
    Take care

    • I promise that I will, or I’ll try. It’s so tricky because I’m scared and though recently I’ve been happy, it’s not all been great – I had a breakdown about everything yesterday. Thanks for helping – it’s so nice to know that there are people like you who WILL help. I’m sorry to hear about how you’ve been suffering – if you ever need anyone to talk to, even just a chat, I’m here. It might not do much but I’ll still be here 🙂 xx

  12. Heya Elm,
    First of all I want to say you are so brave and honest, firstly in writing this and secondly in telling your Mum and sister how you feel and deciding to go to your GP. I know it can sound scary but it can help as they will know what they are talking about and will be able to help you. Thoughts and feelings and emotions can feel so scary and confusing but you will get through this, I honestly believe in you. And just because you haven’t been reading many blogs lately that certainly doesn’t make you a bad blogger, we all need time away from the internet and the blogosphere and when you feel like you’re in a better headspace you’ll come back to it! As always I’m here for you at any time if you want to talk. I do hope things go well for you. From also dealing with anxiety I can understand and relate to a lot of what you’ve mentioned here. Take care! Best Wishes! 😊😊 Kate

    • DEFINITELY same to you! It makes me happy that you’ve always been here; thank you!!! 🙂 I’m scared to see the GP but I really think it needs to be done. Otherwise, I’ll carry on feeling like this constantly – even for the recent happiness I’ve had – and I don’t want that. You’re such a nice person by the way and I appreciate you xx

  13. During exam period I got really bad stress and anxiety. The best thing for me to do was tell people about it ,I know it’s difficult as I felt like people would give me a label but really no one does that and if they do they’re utter twats. If you want to go do your doctor I would advise you to write things down of how you feel on a piece of paper or show them this blog. It will pass and if won’t be easy but keep your chin up .

    SS xx

    • You’re honestly such a great person and I love reading your blog because you’re creative 🙂 This means a lot to me. I’m okay – I’m doing a bit better but I’m nowhere near 100% yet.

  14. Hey there Im quite new to blogging but was quite captivated when I read this blog post. It might be because I spent a number of years working with pressured customers as part of my job, and trying to discuss my own experiences now. Have you tried any wellness benefits such as meditation? I do hope you feel better soon.

    • Hi! Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve tried it a little but never properly; I feel as if I could really benefit from it though. Do you have any tips on it?

      • Well I did write a very recent blog post on Vipassana which was a 10 day silent meditation retreat, but just to start of!!… I would recommend doing just a few minutes per day, at one time per day. Such as 10 minutes, until you feel comfortable with it. I suggest you also do it first thing in the morning as it really sets your day up well then I find. I’ve used mobile apps such as Headspace, and Aware. You can find them on the play store. I would suggest Headspace personally. If you have any other questions about it just give me a shout!

      • Ahh, thanks so much! I’ve heard a lot of good things about Headspace and I really want to give it a try. I think I’ll start on it tomorrow! I really appreciate your help 🙂

  15. Elm, thank you SO much for sharing this. As someone who has mini panic attacks daily and more severe ones every once in a while, I identified with so much of what you were thinking and feeling. I loved that you wrote this stream of consciousness because sometimes it is truly the best way to get your thoughts and feelings out. I especially loved your list of things your anxious about because I share many of those same feelings – especially this one: “I don’t understand if many of my thoughts are real or based on truth; I always get scared that I’m making stuff up in my head.” I’ve struggled with this ever since I can remember; it’s so hard to know what thoughts of mine are real or not (usually not) but that doesn’t make me any less anxious or scared. I’m sure you’ve heard it before (and will likely hear it again) but I just wanted to remind you that you’re not alone in the struggle, and there will always be people who step up to validate your feelings if you have the courage to speak out about them. Thanks again for being so honest and vulnerable here; it is sincerely appreciated.

    • Thank YOU so much for being honest and opening up – I know that takes a lot of courage. I’m proud of you for getting through what you have to go through, especially with the uncertainty about thought. It’s actually really comforting to know I’m not alone in that; I struggle with it daily to varying degrees, above all when I overthink it. Also, You relating to my content makes me have more courage to post things like this: if I can help just one person, it’ll make me happy. If you do ever need to talk to someone, my email’s always open!

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