I am so tired.
Sitting here in the evening, with everything around me silent, I can’t help but think I should feel calm or somehow rested. I don’t. I feel sad, annoyed, frustrated but yet somehow disconnected. This is how I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks and I want to talk to you as frankly as possible, in the only way I know how. For me, blogging about it is the only way I feel comfortable even thinking about my jumbled mind.
3 days ago, I had what can only be described as a mild panic attack in front of my mum. It was over something small: my sister had moved my hair removal cream and had used it. I now no longer knew where it was. I utterly flipped out at about 9 o’clock in the evening: it slowly evolved from me getting agitated about my lack of ability to understand that because my sister has a mental illness, she can’t realise that what she’s doing makes me anxious to me gasping for breath and wailing about how terrible I feel and about how, sometimes, I hate myself. I felt selfish and needy for doing it but in some ways, it was a release of pent up anger and emotion.
I honestly can’t remember all of what I said. I downplayed it but made sure to truthfully tell her that I didn’t always feel like this, that there were days where I was fine but that I did feel anxious pretty much all the time. Standing on the landing, I got upset at how my mum tried to make excuses for both me and my sister. I told her that I didn’t tell my dad much at all (a lie) and that I’d been seeing my head of year about how I felt (a truth but I didn’t tell her what I spoke about). At this point, I was miserable and whenever she tried to hug me I flinched away; I really didn’t want anyone near me, especially not her at that moment because she was so incredibly surprised that I was having this “meltdown”, as she phrased it to my dad in a text later.
My mother is incredibly difficult to talk to and so I hardly ever do; however, afterwards, she suggested I spoke to her more – I think I will. More importantly, she said I should go and speak to the GP and maybe get a referral to a counsellor, or something such as that. Bringing her own experiences into it didn’t help me as much as, I think, she hoped it would because my mind flashed back to the points where she didn’t feel sympathy for me at all and, years and years ago, treated my sister terribly. I had to let it go, though; I don’t hold it against her any more because she did help me by putting things into perspective.
The fact is, I feel like I’m seconds away from falling apart utterly. I’m so sad now that I can’t think properly but I’ll try. Here’s a list of all the things, or as much as I want to say, that are making me anxious, panicky or that make me feel numb.
• I literally have no motivation to do anything at all
• I haven’t read blogs and I have this irrational paranoia that I’m an awful blogger – I know this isn’t founded in truth and may look like I’m crying for attention but I know I’m acting stupidly; you guys have always supported me
• I have feelings for someone currently but whenever I think about it, I want to just sob because it wouldn’t work out; trying anything would be a waste of time and would make things painful and complex
• I’m scared of seeing the GP because if I’m having a bad day and am especially erratic, they may refer me to something which is too serious and if I say the counsellor or any other person, they may think it’s worse than it is – I explained this to my mum
• I don’t understand if many of my thoughts are real or based on truth; I always get scared that I’m making stuff up in my head
• All my work that I have to do is too much, too huge and even thinking about it is panicking me
• I never follow my own advice; I’m a hypocrite
• I feel bad but I’m sometimes unable to deal with people who even irritate me slightly
• The self-depreciating dialogue inside my head has grown so much worse but I never know if I’m just putting it on or what I really feel towards anything
• I’m so, so confused
I don’t know. I need sleep but I don’t know if this sleep will leave me feeling refreshed or if my thoughts are going to crowd in on me again. I don’t know how to write this post so that it’ll alleviate some of my worry; am I going about this the wrong way?
This evening, I also spoke to my sister about it; I’ve barely told anybody else because I just don’t want to think about it. She was great but did point out to me that with my mum, I can’t lash out because that’ll make it worse. People know how sad I’ve been but it’s so hard to go into the extent of why: that I feel blank sometimes and sad the next; that one day I won’t do anything productive for hours and hours and the next I’ll have such good intentions but only complete a few of them.
Now I think on it, writing this post has helped, if only because I’m a little relieved that I can get this out there. This isn’t supposed to make sense; my mind’s whirling and I can hardly think for the worry that I’m running out of time in every single aspect of my life.
I just want to be happy. My head of year said that I need to start actively doing something, just little things to help. On the other hand, before I do anything I have to acknowledge that there’s something wrong. I have to accept that I’m not feeling good and why – or try to piece the reasons together by writing the “stream of consciousness” that this has turned into.
Only when you truly know what’s happening with yourself can you start to implement little things to help. That might involve sorting through your thoughts – something I’m not good at so I understand – but once you have a little idea, you can start to help yourself a bit more. If you can’t do that, others can help; it’s almost good that I had the panic in front of my mum because even for the way she handles things sometimes, she can do something to help.
You can be in control of your own mind; it takes time and effort and it won’t be easy but it can be done. If you feel unexplainably bad, perhaps start trying to work through the reasons. That can be triggered by an event like I had or a sudden realisation: this is you and so I can’t dictate to you how it’ll work. Only you can do that.
Things will get better but it won’t happen overnight. I’m so exhausted but I have to give it time, effort and a willingness to get a little better, slowly. I think I can do that.
From Elm 🙂